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Moslem gigolo
God has made us who we are

January 17, 2001
The Iranian

Khalid is what you call a he-whore. He is a woman-chasing machine who swings his bat at any female specie that comes his way without reservation or discrimination. Born to a wealthy Arab family with ties to royalties, Khalid roams around the globe -- contributing his sperm to human gene pool.

The man is a persistent paramour with appetite for women of all shapes and colors. His international playboy status brings all that a gigolo-lifestyle has to offer -- women, booze, drugs, fancy cars, and bachelor pads -- not to mention every sexually transmitted disease known to man. His devotion to sexual adventures and his discipline in maintaining a whorish lifestyle is legendary among his peers.

Like many Middle Eastern male-bimbos, Khalid has a unique taste for finer things in life such as jewelry, expensive clothing, champagne, caviar, show horses, Sony play station, etc. At the same time he also has immense love and appreciation for poetry. This might be by far, the only real quality this man possesses.

But one thing that amazes me the most, is his self-acclaimed love for Allah. Khalid claims to be a devout Moslem who has God on his mind 24-7. He starts every sentence with a mention of God's name. "If Allah permits, I shall have this blond bimbo in my bed tonight." Or "Inshallah, I will bury my face in those breast-tesses this weekend."

For any Moslem who's a true believer, Khalid's mentioning of God's name in such vain manner is insulting and devastating. But Khalid is persistent in regard to his faith in Allah and seems oblivious to his lifestyle of waste and ignorance.

I confronted him once regarding to his faith versus his demeanor. He gave me a surprised look and said, "I am an Arab; I'm a Moslem by choice. You are an Iranian; you are a Moslem by force. You Iranians are incapable of understanding true Islam." He looked momentarily at a young woman walking by and continued, "God has made us who we are and I thank him for it. Why should I be someone other than myself?"

I was puzzled but I'm not the one who would discuss religion or politics; so I changed the subject.

Khalid, who, as I mentioned adores poetry, called me the other day. He is a big fan of old Iranian poets and he particularly admires Khayyam's work. Since I'm Iranian, he mistakenly assumed that I have a God-given talent for poetry.

He told me he was gearing up for the month of Ramadan and he needed a poem that would inspire his religious convictions. He asked me to write a poem for him -- a poem that would meticulously reflect his devotion to God especially during the holy month of Ramadan -- a poem that would truly project who he is.

As a person who never reads poetry, let alone writes one, I found this an offer I could not refuse. Since I did not write Arabic and he did not read Farsi, I decided to write the poem in English.

How hard could it be? I grabbed a clean sheet of paper, found a picture of Khalid taken at the red light district in Amsterdam and words came to me like a river flowing through Tehran's streets on a rainy day. I finished the poem in ten minutes and faxed him a copy. I was excited and anticipating a positive feedback. I have not heard from him since.

Here's what I faxed him:

Dear Khalid,

Here is the poem I promised. Hope you like it.


You go to all these nightclubs

night after night

you smoke marijuana

get as high as a kite


you drink bottles of Vodka

ask for some more

you go out with this girl

who looks like a whore


you have more DUIs

than anyone I've known

you pickup all these prostitutes

and have them make you moan


you smoke three packs

every single day

you gossip about anyone

whoever comes your way


you hardly spend any time

with your kids or wife

your busy chasing women

wasting all your life


you cheat and you lie

to make yourself a dime

I'm trying really hard

but I am running out of rhyme


you get yourself a nose job

colored contact lens

showing off to everyone

your brand new Benz


you lie on your taxes

cheat the state

met your friend's grandma

and asked her on a date


you turn into a Moslem

in the month of Ramadan

you're holier than holy

God is number one


you eat like a pig

sitting on your ass

staying home all day

busy passing gas


you say to all your friends

fasting is your thing

you run to get a hamburger

at the local Burger King


you pray to Heavenly Father

once every ten weeks

you ask the Almighty

for women with big tits


you think of God

not even for a week

the rest of the year

you're thinking with your dick

Comment for The Iranian letters section
Comment for the writer Siamack Baniameri

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