Advice

December 10, 2001
The Iranian

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Should I come clean?

Dear Abjeez,

I would dearly like to know your take on the situation I find myself in. I am a 24 year old Iranian-American woman. I was born in Iran but came to the U.S. at 6 months of age, so I have essentially grown up American, but greatly value and respect the Iranian side of my heritage.

My parents and I had the usual issues stemming from cultural differences growing up, but as I have matured we have a great relationship and they are very supportive of me. Here is my problem: For the past 3.5 years, since I graduated from university, I have been living with my American boyfriend. As you can well imagine my parents do not think that a couple should live together before marriage. As they are not overly religious, this is more of a cultural thing for them.

I think my father could come to terms with it eventually, but my mother is so concerned about what others think of her and her family, something like this could come close to killing her from shame. So obviously, my parents know nothing about this situation. Though they live about a half hour away I have managed to keep this fact hidden.

When I was working full time and supporting myself this situation didn't bother me. I figured what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them. For the past year and a half however, I have returned to school part time and work part time at a much lower paying job, pursuing my dream career. In this endeavor, my parents have been wonderful, supporting me both financially and psychologically.

My guilt over this has become overwhelming. It was one thing when I was self sufficient, but now that I am relying upon them this deception seems unforgivable. I should point out that my parents do know my boyfriend and like him, and also, the reason marriage is not part of the equation is that I have applied to several grad schools and I could end up in any part of the country at this point. I won't know for several more months. So, do I keep my mouth shut for several more months or come clean?

The daughter

Dear Daughter:

First of all, we want to express to you all our sympathy on the pure hell you must have been going through for the past 3.5. years. Living a double life is such a painful thing, and unfortunately altogether very common in our hyphenated Iranian communities all across the world.

We have noticed you titled your letter "worst daughter ever" and I want to urge you please, please, please stop letting your guilt consume you so. It is very self-destructive to feel this way. You are not the worst daughter ever. The very fact that you wrote us this letter explaining your moral dilemma shows that you are a sensitive human being who, like so many Iranians raised in the West, are torn between your love and respect for your family and culture on one hand, and your individual feelings on the other.

Whether your parents subsidize your lifestyle or not should be the point of focus in this situation. In fact, we believe that you have felt the urge to confess to your parents long ago, regardless of whether they support you financially or not. It must be for you now take the next step and actually tell them. Be ready for a strong reaction. As you yourself suspect, they will be hurt.

But they love you and they have not been living in the West for 20 years with their eyes closed. Given some time, their love for you will surely overcome any superficial worries about what this or that neighborhood gossip can tell. In fact, they will most probably be more hurt more for you having lied to them for this whole time rather than the actual fact that you lived in a committed long term relationship with a man they themselves have approved of.

You are a much more complex person than the "worst daughter ever". Do not define yourself by this single decision you have made but rather remember all the qualities that make your parents proud of you.

We think that the more times passes, the bigger the lie will become and in direct proportion, the more your guilt will grow. Living with such a huge secret, especially with Iranian parents who are generally closer to their children than in other ethnicity, will have a deplorable effect on the rest of your life, including your education and career prospects. How could you expect to devote your full attention to these things when your guilt is eating you inside and you feel like the "worst daughter ever?

Also, think of the even worse reaction if your parents hear this news from a third party: As you know, an Iranian community is a small world with very nosy inhabitants who like to gossip. We believe you already knew the answer to your letter before you even wrote to us: Follow your heart, stop living a double life, have faith in your parents understanding and become whole again.

Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti

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