Advice

December 18, 2001
The Iranian

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* Just friends

How do you tell a guy you just want to be friends without hurting his feelings? I like this guy a lot as a friend, but I have just discovered he wants to be more.

We were supposed to hang out with a bunch of friends on my birthday but instead he showed up alone and proceeded to wine and dine me. He acted all surprised that nobody else showed up but I think he set the whole thing up and never told the rest of the gang to join us that night. He gave me suggestive gifts such as perfume and flowers, and a romantic card. I felt very uncomfortable but I was too embarrassed to tell him anything.

I don't want to lose his friendship as he is a great guy and I like hanging out with him. I feel guilty about whether I have been sending him wrong signals but I am by nature a very friendly and warm person. Can't you just be friends with an Iranian guy?

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Arezoo

From Abjee Pari:

Dear Arezoo:

The question you ask sparks a debate that is as old as time. It is relevant not only to Iranian guys but all guys in general. However, the concept of "simple friendship" seems to be a bit more complicated amongst Iranians. Can there be a genuine friendship between a man and a woman? A lot of people are of the mind that it is impossible, that all friendship between the sexes is based on some sort of physical attraction. One of my favorite movies, "When Harry met Sally", discusses this very theme.

From Abjee Fotti:

Personally, I think it is true to some extent that a lot of men are initially interested in getting to know a girl just because they feel some kind of attraction to her. With Iranian guys, it is even more likely because culturally, they expect an Iranian girl to be reserved and distant. If an Iranian girl is warm and friendly, this is outside the norm and so they may think she is interested in pursuing a romantic relationship. However, if you and your male friend have both grown up in the West, the notion of friendship between the sexes is certainly not alien and in fact very normal. Therefore, your male friend should not be assuming that your friendliness means more than it does.

From Abjee Pari:

We tend to automatically blame ourselves, or something that we did, to explain an error of judgment coming from a man. Please do not change your personality and lose your friendliness and warmth because one guy took it the wrong way. The best solution for you is to continue being straightforward and honest. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you like him as a friend but you are not interested in a romance. I won't lie to you. He is certain to be hurt and may even avoid you for a while. Also keep in mind that it's quite possible for you to start feeling stronger about your friend as well.

From Abjee Fotti:

A similar thing happened to me and I momentarily lost the friendship of an otherwise really nice guy. But then, after some time, and some cooling off, we renewed our friendship and are to this day (almost a decade later) very good friends. He later even admitted to me that even though he was hurt at the time by my rejection, he ultimately came to appreciate my direct approach because he had afterwards suffered so much with the mind games and mixed signals he received from a number of Iranian girls.

If the friend is truly as good a person as you make him out to be, you are certain not to lose his friendship in the long term. But if you continue avoiding the issue, he may keep perceiving that your every action as mixed signals and you would then be putting your friendship in irretrievable jeopardy.

Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti

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