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December 7, 2002
The Iranian
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* Can we be friends?
I hope you can help me. What is the best way to deal with this situation? The
situation when a guy and a girl hook up, date for a while, and then when the girl
tells the guy that she likes him , the guy freaks out and says that he is not ready
for a relationship and still wants to be a free guy.
What should the girl do in this case? Forget her love for him and the fact
that they had so much in common and move on? What about the fear that if she lets
go of him she'll never find someone better or try to hang on to the relationship
hoping to change his mind by showering him with her love? If the girl decides to
move on and forget this guy should she still give him a call once in a while(only
as friends) just to see how he is doing?
Keep in mind that thses 2 were normal friends before they hooked up.
Thank you for your help.
Confused
 Reply
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Dear "Confused":
Normally, the abjeez believe that friendship is the best foundation for a relationship
between a man and a woman. However, this is contingent on both people being ready
to take on commitment. Attraction, a certain chemistry, even a genuine liking of
the other person is not enough. You have to be emotionally ready to "love"
and to share your life with a person.
In your case, perhaps your male friend is not ready at this point in his life to
be in any kind of serious commitment. Maybe he wants to backtrack from the decision
to turn your friendship into something more. Maybe he has realized this is too intense
for him to handle at this point. That is fine. Everyone is entitled to their feelings.
However the fact that he "freaked out" on you was really uncalled for.
If you were truly friends, there is no reason why he couldn't calmly discuss with
you the fact that he wants to pursue a friendship but nothing more at this point.
His immature reaction unnecessarily hurt your feelings and if he was a true friend
he would have cared more about sparing you unnecessary heartache.
Sometimes a simple word such as "like" or "love" triggers these
extreme reactions from people. Instead of accepting it for what it is and admiring
you for taking the courage to share your true feelings instead of playing games,
they may see it as some sort of demand or label put upon them. Obviously this is
a sign of emotional immaturity.
Normally our advice would have been that it is possible to continue a friendship
after breaking up with someone, given the proper time set aside to cool off any feelings.
However we would advise this in situations where both parties have kept their mutual
respect for each other. In this case, we do not think that this man is a true friend
to begin with so why should you continue being friends.
We know that a break up is difficult to deal with, especially when this person was
your friend and you are used to have him around and him being a large part of your
every day life. Believe us when we say we have been there and we feel for you. That
is precisely why we urge you, out of our own experience, not to hold on. A clean
break in this case is better because every time you pick up that phone and hear his
voice, you will only be hurt more. As in recovery from any loss, it's important to
allow yourself to grieve appropriately and acknowledge what you miss about the person/relationship.
It's also important to do a reality check and remember all the things about the relationship
that were not so positive
Showering this guy with your love, as you say, is only going to backfire in this
case. He already feels suffocated by you simply uttering the words "I like you."
Can you imagine how far he would run if you insist on showing up, giving him gifts
etc. We are sorry to be the bearer of harsh news that you do not want to accept at
this point but it is the truth: The more you do to hold on to this guy the more you
will drive him away. We cannot control the way someone else feels about us no matter
how much we wish it. (That is why unrequited love has been probably the most popular
subject of books, movies, etc since the beginning of times!!)
The fact that you are a good person, that you have things in common etc has nothing
to do with is decision. He has made up his mind that he does not want to be in a
relationship with you. For the sake of your own emotional health the best thing to
do is to accept it, and move on.
You should not waste all your good attributes on someone who does not appreciate
it. While it is human nature to go after something or someone we can't have, believe
the abjeez when we tell you that real love is a two way street, and is the most fulfilling
when it is shared by someone who appreciates all your qualities and accepts all your
flaws and loves you no matter what.
The most important thing at this point is not to let his actions affect your self-esteem
or hurt you in a way that you won't open up again. The Abjeez believe it is better
to be yourself, and love like you have never been hurt before, then try to shield
yourself and lose out on getting to know someone. Remember that a break up is not
a reflection on your true worth. It is simply the fact that 2 people are not compatible.
No one should be blamed (except if, like your boyfriend, he was so unchivalrous in
ending the relationship).
We abjeez have always thought that to keep busy is the best solution. Although at
the given moment, you must feel like it is the end of the world and noone will lvoe
you again, we know that deep down you are intelligent enough to recognize that life
will go on and you will meet new people, new loves. For now, don't jump into any
rebound relationships. Instead focus on yourself: your school, your career, your
friends and family. Refill yourself with the positive energy that was taken from
you by the actions of one sinlge unfeeling individual. As time passes, try to put
things in perspective and learn from the experience. Trying to learn from the painful
experience might also help to develop better relationships in the future.
Come back for a shirnee and chayee with your abjeez real soon to let us know about
your progress,
Our best,
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti
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