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Advice

December 12, 2002
The Iranian

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* Okay to ask a man out?

Is it Ok for a girl to ask a guy out and pursue a guy first?

I met this really cute guy at school and we talk every now and then whenevre we see each other , we exchanged numbers but he never called I called him and suggested that we should hang out sometime but then afterwards I felt awkward about being the one calling him and asking him out... is this natural or should I just let go of him since he is not the one all excited about me?

But as a question in general is it Ok for a girl to ask a guy out ??? what should her reaction be if he says No, or brushes her off with lame excuses???

thank you.

S

Reply

Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:

Dear S:

As a very old-fashioned romantic, I must say that I have never asked a guy out because I believe that men ought to court the object of their affection. Of course I am not saying I like to make them slay dragons for me although this was a prerequisite to romance not too long ago!!! But it is nice and flattering for a girl to be pursued while on the other hand it feels a tad desperate the other way around. For men the thrill (at least initially) is in the chase. This applies no matter what their culture although especially true in a testosterone filled Iranian male population.

In my opinion, men generally have a very clear idea of whom they like and they don't like and when they want something they go after it in a straight A to B fashion. All other things like shyness, confusion, etc, are just excuses. If they are too shy to pursue you, they will not appreciate you coming on strong. Torch carrying feminists out there may want to swing at me like a pinata right now, but in my opinion, sometimes girls should be girls, and guys should be guys!

Abjee Pari writes:

Vaah...vaah...vahh Fotty khanoom, khejaalat bekesh! Are you stuck in the Victorian era or what? With that opinion, you may as well hold on to your bedpost while I lace up your corset! I think if a girl likes a guy, she should go for it! Life is too short to waste. It is better to find out right away than to always wonder what could have been. I am not saying she should pounce on him in a dark alley, but surely asking a friendly classmate for coffee or a movie is non commital. The worse that can happen is that they stay at the friends level.

Abjee Fotty:

I am just trying to look out for her. Come on, god gave us all the ills of the two genders: We have to deal with PMS, birth pains, sexual discrimination in school and at work. Can you at least leave romantic rejection out of it? Let the guy deal with the sweaty palms, and the shaking knees, the risk of humiliation in front of all their friends as the object of their desire flicks her hair in his face and walks the other way. It's nice to be politically correct but you know as well as I do: the double standard is alive and well. Boys who mak the first move are studs. Girls who make the first move are labeled as desperate, or downright Glenn Close type bunny boiling psychos... Didn't you watch the Bachelor? The girl who made her feelings known was the first one dumped while the one who played hard to get got the marraige proposal!

Abjee Pari writes:

If you are basing your advice on a show like the Bachelor, then I am certain to gain points with our reader. I mean that illustrates my point. If the man has such outdated values who wants to be with him in the first place? That being said, I will concede that it is good beforehand to prepare yourself for a "no." I would say to S not to put all her emotional eggs in one basket i.e. prepare yourself mentally for the occasion that he will say "no" and have your game face on. Don't let on if you are disappointed, just be real casual about it. And of course, move on! It's not the end of the world, there are plenty of other guys out there who may feel very flattered and impressed at a girl with initiative instead of all those Belles who play games with them.

Abjee Fotty:


Look you may be right. There may be guys out there who will be turned on by a refreshingly direct girl. But the bottom line in this case is he had her number and didn't call! And already she is feeling awkward about it. She should do what feels right. If this is going against her instinct, don't push her to go further.

Abjee Pari:


Okay okay so the ball is in his court now. At least she created the opportunity. She shouldn't regret that. Now it is up to him to follow up on her invitation.

Abjee Fotty and Pari write:

It is up to you to decide which one of us has the more persuasive argument. We wish you lots of luck and hope you will share your story with us over some shirnee and chayee real soon.

Lots of love,

Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti



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