December 12, 2002
Send us your questions
* Okay to ask a man out?
Is it Ok for a girl to ask a guy out and pursue a guy first?
I met this really cute guy at school and we talk every now and then whenevre
we see each other , we exchanged numbers but he never called I called him and suggested
that we should hang out sometime but then afterwards I felt awkward about being the
one calling him and asking him out... is this natural or should I just let go of
him since he is not the one all excited about me?
But as a question in general is it Ok for a girl to ask a guy out ??? what should
her reaction be if he says No, or brushes her off with lame excuses???
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
As a very old-fashioned romantic, I must say that I have never asked a guy out because
I believe that men ought to court the object of their affection. Of course I am
not saying I like to make them slay dragons for me although this was a prerequisite
to romance not too long ago!!! But it is nice and flattering for a girl to be pursued
while on the other hand it feels a tad desperate the other way around. For men the
thrill (at least initially) is in the chase. This applies no matter what their culture
although especially true in a testosterone filled Iranian male population.
In my opinion, men generally have a very clear idea of whom they like and they
don't like and when they want something they go after it in a straight A to B fashion.
All other things like shyness, confusion, etc, are just excuses. If they are too
shy to pursue you, they will not appreciate you coming on strong. Torch carrying
feminists out there may want to swing at me like a pinata right now, but in my opinion,
sometimes girls should be girls, and guys should be guys!
Abjee Pari writes:
Vaah...vaah...vahh Fotty khanoom, khejaalat bekesh! Are you stuck in the Victorian
era or what? With that opinion, you may as well hold on to your bedpost while I
lace up your corset! I think if a girl likes a guy, she should go for it! Life is
too short to waste. It is better to find out right away than to always wonder what
could have been. I am not saying she should pounce on him in a dark alley, but surely
asking a friendly classmate for coffee or a movie is non commital. The worse that
can happen is that they stay at the friends level.
I am just trying to look out for her. Come on, god gave us all the ills of the two
genders: We have to deal with PMS, birth pains, sexual discrimination in school and
at work. Can you at least leave romantic rejection out of it? Let the guy deal
with the sweaty palms, and the shaking knees, the risk of humiliation in front of
all their friends as the object of their desire flicks her hair in his face and walks
the other way. It's nice to be politically correct but you know as well as I do:
the double standard is alive and well. Boys who mak the first move are studs. Girls
who make the first move are labeled as desperate, or downright Glenn Close type bunny
boiling psychos... Didn't you watch the Bachelor? The girl who made her feelings
known was the first one dumped while the one who played hard to get got the marraige
Abjee Pari writes:
If you are basing your advice on a show like the Bachelor, then I am certain to gain
points with our reader. I mean that illustrates my point. If the man has such outdated
values who wants to be with him in the first place? That being said, I will concede
that it is good beforehand to prepare yourself for a "no." I would say
to S not to put all her emotional eggs in one basket i.e. prepare yourself mentally
for the occasion that he will say "no" and have your game face on. Don't
let on if you are disappointed, just be real casual about it. And of course, move
on! It's not the end of the world, there are plenty of other guys out there who may
feel very flattered and impressed at a girl with initiative instead of all those
Belles who play games with them.
Look you may be right. There may be guys out there who will be turned on by a refreshingly
direct girl. But the bottom line in this case is he had her number and didn't call!
And already she is feeling awkward about it. She should do what feels right. If
this is going against her instinct, don't push her to go further.
Okay okay so the ball is in his court now. At least she created the opportunity.
She shouldn't regret that. Now it is up to him to follow up on her invitation.
Abjee Fotty and Pari write:
It is up to you to decide which one of us has the more persuasive argument. We wish
you lots of luck and hope you will share your story with us over some shirnee and
chayee real soon.
Lots of love,
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti