Advice

January 7, 2002
The Iranian

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* Mixed signals

Dear Abjeez,

I am a half-Iranian student living in the West. I have recently found myself to an Iranian lady who is a few years older than me. We talk regularly via e-mail and telephone, sometimes we flirt with one another. But I'm getting mixed signals... sometimes it seems like there is "something there", other times we are just talking normally.

We get along really well, she is really intelligent, sensitive and attractive. But I dont know how she feels, or if she knows how I feel. I dont want to lose our friendship, but then, I dont want to miss an opportunity. I'm not sure how to go about talking to her about this. Or even if I should. What should I do?

Iskander

Reply

Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:

Dear Iskander:

You bring up a very interesting issue, especially for younger Iranians who are connecting all over the world via chatrooms and email. The phenomenon of globalization and technology is great, because it enables us to meet so many people who share our interests and background. Some people create deep friendships via the internet, and others have even been known to fall in love and get married.

However, a word of caution. First of all, you have to realize that this means of communication, while fun and addictive, can sometimes be deceitful. Some people deliberately mislead you regarding their identity, their marital status, their age etc. I am sure you are aware of that already. But other times, it can simply be a matter of miscommunication or "mixed signals" as you mention. The dynamics between women and men are already so complicated, as we have discussed in previous entries.

What is simple flirting to one can be interpreted as love by another. What one regards as mere friendship can give hopes of romance to another. But add to that the phenomenon of email and it is even the more confusing. People, sometimes unconsciously, take on a different persona via the internet. The anonymity of the medium permits them to be perhaps bolder than they are in their "normal" life. Women for example might feel safer to flirt over a computer screen with a total stranger than if they were to meet that person in flesh. Intimacy is created very quickly, and sometimes just as quickly evaporates when the person loses interest or gets busy with their "real" lives.

My advice to you is to be cautious before getting yourself too emotionally involved with a connection you have made over email and telephone. Factors to be considered should include the proximity between where you two live. If, for example, you lived in the same city, it would be easy to arrange a coffee date and get to know each other in person, to better evaluate whether a "spark" is there or not. If your female chat buddy resists the idea of meeting you even though you live nearby, perhaps you should take it as a definite signal that she is not interested in developing something more than an occasional email friendship.

If however, you two live on different sides of the world, I do not think it wise to pursue this relationship romantically any further when, as you say, she is giving you "mixed signals". Really, how realistic would it be to bring up the subject of "dating" is you live on two different continents? On the other hand, If you think you are able to continue a friendship with her without getting too emotionally involved, then by all means continue. Just be careful that you do not get hurt in the process. And don't forget, there are thousands of email and chat buddies waiting for you in cyber space, who knows ? even someone who will send you "clear" signals!

Come back for a cyber-chai with your e-Abjeez anytime!

Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti

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