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March 27, 2002 Send us your questions and comments * I've lost track of myself I feel odd enough to write this e-mail, but I guess I need to talk myself out.
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: Thank you for your heartfelt letter. We are glad that you have reached out to
us. Do not by any means feel odd about the step you are taking. It is not uncommon
to feel alienated sometimes from the people who are usually closest to you, such
as your family and friends. We abjeez are here precisely for those moments when
it seems easier to unload on a virtual stranger than it is to risk opening up to
your familiar circle. In the abjeez's opinion, this saying beautifully sums up both the strength and
the fragility of human nature. We human beings are generally resilient creatures
that have learned to adapt and struggle with the lemons that life often heaps upon
us. However, sometimes, when all your buttons are pushed at the same time, and nothing
seems to go your way, whether in your love life, professional life, or among family
and friends, it feels like it is too much to cope with. Just that limited information tells us how much strength and drive you have. The fact that you have difficulty gaining full time employment should by no means be an indicator of your personal worth but rather a reflection of the economy of this country and in particular the post September 11 New York environment. There are so many young graduates who, like you, have so much to offer in terms of qualifications and skills but nonetheless cannot gain any employment in their field. You should be very content to have acquired a job even if it is only part time, in the state we are in right now. Please accept this coming from two abjeez who have such hectic work hours that they do not see the light of day outside their office buildings: Enjoy your relaxed work schedule for now and take the free time you have to do things for yourself. There is simply nothing you can do to control the state of the job market right now. So it is better to use the time you ahve free now effectively, to do all the things you won't be able to do anymore once you are part of a rat race (and believe us, it won't be long!) such as traveling, reading, doing sports or whatever interests are more your cup of tea. This economic downturn is not going to last forever and with your credentials,
and the experience you are building up in your part time job, you WILL find the full
time employment that you are seeking. (And then you will look back on these easygoing
days with envy!) The fact that your ex-girlfriend is getting married in 2 months has been, we believe, a big trigger in your current depression because she has shown that for her, it was very easy to get over you and move on with her life. This of course is hard to accept for you who seemingly gave the relationship your heart and soul. Again, the abjeez apologize in advance for telling you something you probably don't want to hear. You say that your ex has chosen someone who is the opposite of what she was looking for. But it seems to the abjeez that if she is getting married, she has found the right person for her and YOU were the one who was opposite of what she was looking for. If not, she would be marrying you instead. The abjeez do not want to twist the knife in the wound but the sooner you realize that it was not meant to be between you and your ex, and that indeed you were NOT her lifemate, the sooner you can gain acceptance and move on. We are sure you have heard all the platitudes from your family and friends such as: There are other fish in the sea, and Time heals all. Well, guess what? The reason why we have "generalizations" is that they "generally" depict the truth! But you are probably not ready to accept that at this point. The only thing that the abjeez can add is that when you DO find your true soulmate,
you will look back in this moment as a blessing and thank your lucky stars that you
did not make the mistake to tie your life with the wrong person. In fact, it seems
fateful that we all have to go through some heartbreaks and suffering in order to
appreciate the real thing once it comes along. Though you have been in the States for 6 years already, and these were some of the most important years in your life in terms of forming your personality and outlook (late teen-age years to young adulthood) the abjeez are not surprised that you would still feel a great attachment to the country of your birth. There are grown men who have been away from Iran for more than half their lives who still shudder when they recognize the familiar sounds of the mother tongue in a crowded street somewhere. And many who have had successful lives in the West end up packing and moving back to Iran because they simply get tired of being a perpetual "foreigner". So the feelings you are experiencing are not uncommon and even if your friends may laugh about it, don't take it too much to heart. It is probably that they are afraid of losing you and they try to joke about this subject in order to dissuade you from leaving. The abjeez cannot tell you what to do. You are entitled to your feelings and if you feel that you want to return to Iran, this is a personal decision you must make. However, the abjeez would just advise you to proceed with a bit of caution. Have you been back to Iran during these 6 years? Are your feelings shaped by idealized memories or by the reality as it stands? Do you realize how much you may have evolved and grown during these 6 years, in a way that perhaps would not make your return to Iran as smooth as you think? Perhaps the country that you left 6 years ago has also changed during this time and is not the same? Before making such a life altering decision that would probably break the heart
of your family (who you said are all in the US), you should ask yourself if those
nostalgic feelings are just a symptom of your general depression at what you perceive
as the current problems in your life? Since you have some free time right now, perhaps
it would be wise to take a trip to Iran before making definite decision to move.
Also, it would be good to distance yourself physically from your love woes. It
could be easier to cope with the idea of your ex girlfriend's marriage when you
are far away.
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