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November 19, 2002
The Iranian
Send us your questions
and comments
* He's African-American. My dad's
horrified
I met a great guy 6 months ago who began pursuing me the slow, old-fashioned
way. I liked him very much, but I played it safe and assumed that we were friends,
unless he suggested otherwise.
One day, he suggested otherwise! He wrote me an email wondering if I might be open
to exploring the possibility. He assured me that he wasn't "checking me out,
or trying me out" and that this decision wasn't flippant. He was very serious
and assured me that this was no "casual dating."
I was thrilled, told him so, and we began planning our next meeting. Meanwhile, I
shared the news with a good friend. She encouraged me to tell my Dad, who, we reasoned,
would be as thrilled as I was. Never had I shared any news about my love life with
my family before, but now it seemed right, logical, thrilling. After all, in my 30s,
with the possibility of entering into a very serious relationship with a good guy,
why not tell? What the heck.
Big mistake. Dad was horrified because the guy was African-American. SO horrified,
in fact, that he wept and told me that he couldn't come to my wedding if -- God forbid
-- there would be a wedding. Undaunted, I respectfully told Dad that I was a woman
in my 30s, and that I would do what I felt was right.
But Dad's reaction ate at my joy and when I met the guy for our next coffeetalk,
I wasn't as excited as he was and had my doubts. How would an interracial relationship
have a chance without the support of a family? What if the guy and I began a relationship
and then, because of my Dad's reaction, I couldn't bear it any longer and had to
break up with him? Why did my family have to be such a burden to me?!
At that coffeetalk, the guy was on cloud 9, wanting to proclaim our new "serious
dating" status. But I told him that I thought we should take it slower, take
maybe a week or so to consider it, talk more, etc., he was floored and visibly hurt.
He pressed me for a reason, and I told him about my Dad. The next day, he sent me
an email telling me that he could see that I had doubts about him, and that he was
going to back out and "give me time."
He backed out, all right. In fact, he totally backed out of my life. I'd see him
at places we both frequented and catch him gazing at me longingly, then look away
quickly. Often he looked as if he were going to cry, shaking his head as if I'd done
some terrible deed. I wrote him twice, suggesting that we speak in person, because
I really wanted to talk out my hesitation and begin again with him, but he insisted
that the issue was "too sensitive." Ironically, my father changed his mind,
and gave me his blessing. But, too little, too late. The guy had moved on and wanted
nothing more to do with me.
Now, he's moved to another part of the country, and I'm trying to figure out the
whole mess. I recall a story that he shared with me, of his college days. He'd been
a star athlete, and when he decided to pursue his Ph.D. instead of a football career,
his parents totally withdrew their support of him--emotionally, financially, etc.
They dealt with their disapproval by leaving the situation, withdrawing their love,
with no discussion. That's what happened when I disappointed the guy--he left with
no discussion.
So, what do you think? Why wasn't he willing to give me some time? Are guys able
to shut a door so easily to avoid further hurt? Thanks very much for your wisdom!
A.
 Reply
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Thank you for entrusting us with your dilemma. There are many issues that have
been raised with this letter.
One of them is interracial relationships. The abjeez have stated in previous letters
and again now we affirm that in our opinion, interracial, intercultural, interfaith
relationships are difficult but that true love, coupled with serious commitment,
and mutual respect will overcome this obstacle as well as others. The abjeez do not
like labels. People tend to segregate themselves voluntarily, even if by law, in
theory, everyone is equal.
This furthers stereotyped thinking and a culture of isolation, suspicion and mistrusts
between groups. Not to reduce your personal relationship to a political statement.
We simply want to point out that loving someone who loves you back and makes you
equally happy is the rarest most unique treasure in the short life we have to live
on earth. So don't let other people's problems with race and other issues affect
you! It should be an opportunity to acquire the best of both worlds. And to teach
others about tolerance and respect.
That being said, we turn back to your more personal struggle. At the beginning it
seemed that all the right signs were there. This man was obviously very gentlemanly
and you were right to take it slow. You built up a friendship first, then gradually
put away your shyness to reveal to each other how you felt romantically. From the
getgo, this man without playing games indicated the strength of his feelings for
you and his intention for serious commitment. Any woman's dream!
You were thrilled rightly so, and shared the good news with your friend, which as
we women know, is our instinct when we have exciting news.
However, the next action you took proved to be the turning point after which everything
fell apart: You told your father even before you went on your first date!!! And knowing
our Iranian culture full of stereotypes about this and that superior and inferior
race, your father freaked out and put a damper on your enthusiasm. If, as you say,
you had never shared news of your love life with your family before, why start now
on the brink of what would be the most important relationship of your life?
We are not saying you shoul hide news of your love life from your family. But
why count your chickens beofre the eggs have hatched? You hadn't even gone on a first
date with this man. Maybe you would have dated for a while and decided to remain
friends... Or, maybe you would be assured that this was something that had a future.
Abjeez' rule of thumb is don't ever get the folk involved until it is a serious
committed relationship, especially if you are a grown woman. Family can be well-meaning
but the way they convey their message can have frightening effect on the relationship
and end up confusing you. In our culture especially, we women, even when we are grandmother
age, still are very influenced by the attitude of our parents. They make us feel
like the little girl that we were at 3 years old!
In this case, your father had the over-reaction of any traditional Iranian man who
has been brought up with prejudices so engrained that they are not even viewed as
abnormal. This type of thing should be dealt with more diplomatically than springing
the news on your dad that you are madly in love with a man that he does not know
from face, name, personality or otherwise. To him, he probably conjured up some stereotypical
image of an African-American male out to get his little baby!
We do not blame you for being understandably affected by the backlash of your dad,
even after you had the courage to stand up to him. We are glad you realize now that
you made a mistake so that in future relationships, you will slow down before breaking
news of this caliber to your parents. And this applies even if you are thinking of
bringing home the most traditional Iranian man. Parents are parents and will find
issue with anyone threatening to take their little daughter away. So next time, make
sure that you wait til after you dated a long time, and made sure of your feelings,
before even thinking of telling your family. You have to be ready with strong unshakable
feelings and a firm resolve to withstand the storm of criticism that will come your
way regarding the object of your affection.
Unfortunately we don't think that there is a chance to repair the damage made to
the relationship with this man. He was understandably very hurt. As an African-American
living in this society, saying that the issue was "too sensitive" is a
euphemism. You could understand how not being accepted for who he is because of the
color of his skin may raise all kinds of issues accumulated over years for him. How
would you feel if an American man had told you after you boldly professed your love
to him that his family was reluctant to accept an "Eye-Ranian" or "Ay-Rab"
in their family. Wouldn't you maje snap judgments about the quality of that man's
family background? In this case, your potential boyfriend did not have the chance
to experience the good side of your dad, who after all is reasonable. (You said that
he eventually came around.)
Also, culturally it is very difficult for an American to understand the pivotal role
and influential power an Iranian family has on their grown children. They may see
it as some sort of excuse or cop out from the person. Again, this is a reason why
it would be a good idea to get to know the person first before involving the family.
You will have time to prepare your boyfriend for all these cultural misunderstandings
as well as preparing your family.
I don't think that "shutting people out" is a trait exclusively associated
with men. It is as common with women. You are right in saying it has a lot to do
with the way you are raised. It is more of a personality traut such as being passive-aggressive,
or overly temperamental.
In any case, this man has made it quite clear that he has moved on. Maybe he was
wrong? Maybe he lost out. The thing is, you can't do anything about it now. Again,
take this as experience for next time. The thing is, he figured it was probably easier
to walk away now, when the feelings were still at their starting stage than risk
a big heartbreak later. If you had been slower in exposing him to potential problems
in the relationship and instead built a strong foundation in privacy, he probably
would not have opted to walk away as soon as one obstacle presented itself. At least,
not if he was truly in love.
We don't want to end this on a pessimistic note, or risk sounding unsympathetic.
Please remember that as your abjeez, we rather point out your mistakes so that you
do not repeat them, rather than shield you by hiding the truth. We do feel terribly
for you and identify with your dilemma more than you can imagine. Abjee Foti's wise
cousin told her shortly before Abjee's own wedding (and among resulting tension with
her mom and dad) that the day you will stop seeking approval from your parents is
the day you have children of your own! And even then......
You sound intelligent, full of love, compassion and sensitivity. It's okay to make
mistakes. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just learn from it for the next time.
And there WILL be a next time. Just do all the right things that you did. Take it
slow. Build a friendship. Be private (You are entitled to some privacy!) Don't feel
the guilt unless absolutely necessary. Don't over analyze and predict the future.
Relax, take it day by day and watch your relationship blossom into a beautiful loving
connection.
Until then, we offer you some shirnee and chayee. Come back and tell us all about
it!
Love ,
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti
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