Advice November 22, 2002 The Iranian Send us your questions and comments * My wife's pregnant, too soon? I have been only married for six months. We recently found out that by accident that my wife is pregnant. I was OK and taught it is soon but we should go for it (1st child for both of us). My wife rather thinks it is too soon and we have not had enough time together (to now each other as a couple) and her life meaning a career and graduate school will be ruined since she wants to be full time mother if she has a baby. When she said those things I understood her reasoning but I feel guilty since you now our other alternative plus isn't getting rid of your baby dangerous to her health... Thanks for your help. Mr. Supportive or not! Reply Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: Dear Mr. Supportive: Sometimes even though you took every precaution, followed every direction that was printed on the box, and even even used two methods of birth control, it still happens: An unplanned pregnancy. Now what to do? The abjeez can readily sympathize with your dilemma. As recently married abjeez, we understand that an unplanned pregnancy can throw many of your life plans out of whack. After all, people in their 20s are still paying their dues. They are at the point in their life where they have to work hard on their career in order to create the financial stability needed for raising children. This means crazy hours, exhaustion, a lot of sacrifices and still you hardly meet ends at the end of the month. The prospect of a child is daunting! Every parent wants to provide the best environment for their child to grow up in so they never lack for anything. Also, you may not be emotionally ready for parenting. You said you were "okay" with it, which is already not a sign of enthusiasm. Your wife has even more reservations since she has other priorities in her life. You should not necessarily feel guilty because you recognize your own present weaknesses. After all, you not only want to provide your child with roof and shelter, but also with the kind of emotional support and patience that parents ought to have. On the other hand, a child is truly a blessing. Not everything can be timed or planned perfectly even when you take all the precautions. As John Lennon said, life is what happens to you while you are busy making plans. When a circumstance happens, there are always ways to adapt yourself and make the best of it. Abjeez know many couples who decided to pursue their unplanned pregnancies even though they felt it was too soon after marriage. Now, they look on their children and realize they are the keys to why they have become so successful and happy in life. Abjee Foti's sis-in-law always says no matter how stressful a day she has had at work, a look into the eyes of her 3 miracles (as she calls them) and it is like she has gotten a renewed shot of energy. That being said, whatever decision you will make is intensely personal. Obviously, from your letter, you have certain moral objections to this decision. We are sure this is a difficult process for your wife as well, as it is for any woman. We recommend that you and your wife talk at length about the issues involved, namely the "guilt" you are feeling, as well as health consequences. No matter what conclusion you come to, it should be one agreed upon by the both of you, so that it does not create resentment and anger later on, or worse a depression. After all, marriage is a partnership. You and your wife for example have to be aware that for a lot of young women, an abortion can result in confused feelings and emotions, and they should not be ignored. It's an enormous amount of guilt which can lead to a bad depression, and it can be very difficult to cope. The question that you both should ask yourselves is, "How am I going to get through this emotionally?" Counseling can be a big help here. It can help you in making your decision, and also, it should be a must if you decide to go through with the abortion. Make sure to find out about local programs and health centers that can provide support for you during your trying time. As to the physical health effects for your wife, there are non-surgical as well as surgical options with different side effects. If it has been over 72 hours -- but less than seven weeks from the start of your wife's last menstrual cycle -- and you do not wish to have a child, you may opt for a non-surgical abortion available through some Planned Parenthoods called mifepristone -- or RU-486, also known as the "abortion pill." This form of non-surgical abortion is FDA approved and involves first taking a dose of mifepristone -- which stops the production of progesterone, necessary to maintain a pregnancy -- then a follow-up dose of misoprostol -- which will cause the cervix to soften and dilate, producing contractions. Medications work to expel the embryo similar to a natural miscarriage -- you can expect to experience lower abdominal pain, nausea, bleeding, vomiting and diarrhea. You will also need to visit a women's clinic or your doctor for complete details, because treatment may vary and will be individualized. If it's too late to utilize the abortion pill, and you decided not to have a child, Surgical abortions are also available at planned parenthood and other clinics. They are usually considered outpatient procedures, which means your wife can leave that day -- with someone else driving, of course. Generally, if you have the abortion within the first eight or nine weeks, you recuperate more easily than later. Please remember that there are other choices besides abortion, such as adoption. There are many programs -- usually offered through clinics -- that can give you information and counsel. You need to really think about what you want before making such a drastic step. No matter what, this will affect you for the rest of your lives. If you are still at the uncertain stage, which is what seems to be the case from your letter, do not go through with an irrevocable step. Communication between you and your wife is key. Also, counseling from an experienced person can help you in making the right decision for you. Take Care, Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti Comment for The Iranian letters section Comment for Abjeez Fotti and Pari ALSO Abjeez Previous replies RELATED Kobra Khanom SECTIONS * Recent * Cover * Writers * Arts & lit * Opinion * Satire * History * Interviews * Travel * Women * Rights * Surveys * All sections

Copyright © Iranian.com All Rights Reserved. Legal Terms for more information contact: times@iranian.com Web design by Bcubed Internet server Global Publishing Group