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October 4, 2002 Send us your questions and comments * Dirty laundry Dear Abjeez, I was not very close to him at this time, geographically or emotionally, but would speak to her occasionally to inquire about them. At one point about 1-2 years into the marriage, she called me in a panic to say that he had flown into a rage and hit her. She was too ashamed to tell her parents and did not have any independent finances to leave him and didn't know what to do. She begged me not to tell anyone, and particularly not to chastise my brother
because he might get angry again. I was stunned by all this especially since this
was totally unlike my brother. But, I advised her to get away from him ASAP and that
I would add her to a credit card of mine to use for emergency shelter, food or airline
tickets. - She never left him, even though he apparently has hit or slapped her on 3 other occasions. Her reason for not leaving him: "I want to make this marriage work. There has never been divorce in our family." They now have 2 toddlers. - Most of her past is a lie: she never finished college, she never attended any part of law school. Much of her present is based on lies (see below about telephone bills). - She is paranoid: She phones her husband's office literally every 10 minutes and if the secretary says he is in a meeting, she calls the secretary a liar and accuses the secretary of having an affair with her husband. When he goes on an errand, she calls his cell phone to see where he is and if he got there in the expected amount of time. On his business trips, she calls his hotel's front desk several times a day to see if he is or is not in his room and with whom. She accuses me and our parents of hating her and wanting to "destroy" her. She threatens to anonymously call my brother's prospective clients or employers (just before his job interviews) to sabotage him. She accused him of having an affair with his best friend's wife (the best friend had developed bipolar illness and despite my brother's multiple visits to get him to a shrink or find him whenever he disappeared, the friend commited suicide leaving behind 3 small children). My brother found, in the trunk of her car, boxes of files with copies of his financial records and letters from previous landlords and neighbors that she did have bruises on her arms or legs on certain dates. - She is a pathological spender: 1. She spent $8,000 on gifts before a visit to Iran using a credit card she obtained years ago using my brother's name. He was unaware of its existence until the collection agency called because she used her parents' address for the statements. 2. She used the credit card that I gave her years ago not for emergency escape, but for groceries, restaurants, and clothing (the statements came to me) and spent about $13,000 in a year before I cancelled the card (finally convinced that she wouldn't ever pay at least the finance charge, nor tell my brother about the whole thing, nor use the card for emergency departures in case he hit her again, which he did). 3. She racked up large phone charges to Iran and Europe and then hid the bills from my brother. [He kept calling the phone company to ask why they weren't receiveing any bills, they claimed that the bills had been sent. He then assumed that the bills and other items were being stolen from their mailbox, so he requested a USPS and later an FBI trace for mail fraud and changed their mailbox number. Then, one day while cleaning out a closet, he finds an old purse of hers stuffed with 9 months worth of phone and utility bills.] 4. She asked my father for a loan of $50,000 to help pay for her parents' mortgage
claiming that they were in dire need and about to go into foreclosure; he complied
of course for this sweet daughter-in-law (and took out a loan himself at 20% interest).
She begged my father never to tell her parents because they would be mortified. Years
later, when my father did talk to her parents openly, it turns out they had managed
thier mortgage problem themselves but did wonder how their daughter came to be flush
with cash suddenly; she had told them it was from "smart stock market investments." Anyway, relations between her and me and my parents have cooled a great deal
after all this (although, according to my brother, she still expects us to call and
chit chat as if all were well; when we don't, she goes into a hysterical ranr/rage
in front of her children with khahar/madar swears that "poost sar-e madar o
pedare-to meekam"). This is not to deny that my brother does not have his own
anger management problems. Now that my brother and I are closer to each other, he tells me (all the above and also that) he is disappointed that she is a paranoid, overspending liar. He doesn't like her anymore or enjoy being with her. He says he cannot imagine spending the rest of his life with her, but he can't leave the kids. Over these eight years, he has tried reasoning with her, positive and negative
reinforcement, and everything he could think of but she continues to spend far more
money than he makes (they are deep in debt), to lie about big and small things, to
hound and nag him day and night to the point of jeopordizing his job, to raise the
children with fear and hatred of his/my parents and me. She claims he needs to see a shrink regularly, to go to anger management seminars,
and to take psychiatric medications for all to be well. Bottom line, she refuses
to leave and we can't figure out why she stays or what she wants out of the marriage.
When asked by my brother she says: "all I want is for you to be nice to me".
His reply is "I've done that, I've tried that ---- you still lie and push us
into debt and swear at my parents in front of the kids". We are afraid to speak to her because after all these years of believing her to be a blameless victim, what small talk could there be? we can't participate in her games of "he beats me but don't tell my mother this or don't tell him that; just send money" anymore. He has really wrestled with divorcing her but is simply unable to face the
possibility of losing his kids (she has threatened "agar talagh meekhahee, pedareto
dar meeyaram. Toh nemeedooni ba kee va ba chee dar oftadi. Naboodet meekonam. Bacheh-
hato heechvaght nemeebeenee.") [My suggestion that this too was a lie did not
fly.] So he's staying put and putting up with it all. Meesozeh va meesazeh. His descriptions
of everyday life gives me goosebumps. He has to be vigilant about everything, he
has no peace.
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: Dear Big Sister: More fundamentally though it is about the value of open communication with your family members, which requires a concerted effort despite your geographical and emotional distance. No matter what, it is obvious that you care a great deal about each other perhaps more than you know, since this situation of your brother has so affected you and your parents. Therefore, from now on, never keep secrets from each other when it involves a third party spreading stories about your family member, especially when it seems out of character. Be open and communicative and confront your family member, be it your brother, or any other member of your family so that the issue does not bottle up and explode one day into a storm of resentment. That being said, you ask us a very difficult question concerning our opinion of
the marriage of your brother and his wife. If there were no children in the picture,
it would be with a light heart that we would advise you to counsel your brother into
leaving his wife. As you say once respect and trust are gone between a husband and
wife they are IRRETRIEVABLE and the resulting relationship will nightmarishly worsen.
The key words here however are "petty differences". In the case that
you describe, the situation has gone far beyond what anybody could call "petty
differences". What we have here is a fundamentally dishonest and emotionally
unstable woman who will stop at nothing, be it lying, manipulating, threatening and
the like to get what she wants. On the other hand, your brother has crossed the line
that should never be crossed which is to hit someone, let alone the mother of his
children. It is obvious that both individuals are in an unhealthy relationship that
can only worsen because they bring the worst out of each other. And what is worse,
they are incapable (or unwilling) to at least shield the children from this emotional
rollercoaster. Instead you have described how the children often experience as first
hand witness the screams and insults hurled between their mother and father. Who knows the inner workings of a relationship? Perhaps once your brother moves
out, your sister in law will stop putting all her efforts into negativity (it seems
her whole life is centered around ruining your brother's) and take a step back and
reevaluate her life. Perhaps the absence from each other will permit both your brother
and his wife to become better persons and therefore better parents to the children.
This can be accomplished only through time and lots of work.
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