Advice October 23, 2002 The Iranian Send us your questions and comments * Jewish-American-Persian I am a 32 yr old Jewish-American man who has been involved with a wonderful Persian woman of the same age for roughly 2 years (in the U.S.) We love each other deeply and although we have some character conflicts (doesn't every relationship?) I believe we are getting close to the point where marriage is viable. As an American man who is still rather ignorant to the Persian culture, I was hoping to receive some creative advice/tips on how I should go about proposing to this woman, other than springing a diamond ring on her. Also, any other advice or commentary on relationships involving American men and Persian women would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks and peace to all, Joooooon Reply Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: Dear Aaron: The abjeez find it a bit strange that you are still "rather ignorant of the persian culture" after being seriously involved with an Iranian woman for the past two years with the ultimate goal of marriage. Our surprise stems from the fact that normally, our rich and strong culture is an overwhelming part of our identity even in a foreign land. We would almost equate falling in love with an Iranian woman with falling in love with Iranian culture. But perhaps your fiancee is herself not in touch with her roots. The abjeez have come across certain Iranians who completely reject that part of their identity for whatever reason. If your fiancee is Americanized to the point that she did not share with you any aspects from Iranian culture, we would not worry too much about adhering to traditions when it comes to marriage proposals. There are many creative and romantic ways to pop the question that do not have to involve certain ethnic rites if that is not what your fiancee is interested in. If however, your fiancee has strong feelings for her heritage, it is definitely time that you make more efforts to understand and learn about Iranian culture, especially if you are going to get married. This is not to say you should immerse yourself in your fiancee's world at the expense of your own identity. Many relationships fail because each person lacks compromise and wants the other to irrevocably adopt their own culture, language, heritage etc. The abjeez have always said that marriages between two different races, or cultures should be an opportunity to obtain the best of both worlds. But it takes compromise, patience, and an open mind from both partners. Although the practice of "khasstegari", a sort of formal marriage proposal in which the prospective groom and his entire family come to ask for the hand of the bride in the setting of her entire household, was prevalent in the past, and still exists in certain more traditional or religious circles, we don't think this is appropriate in your case since your fiancee is obviously modern and independent enough to live in the U.S. by herslef and date a person of her own choosing. So to try to spring a surprise on her in front of her family may completely backfire in this case. We suggest that a private proposal (the circumstances of which you can best plan since you know better what she would like...a fancy restaurant or a picnic in the park, a simple poem or a giant neon billboard sign...) would be appropriate. Then if she accepts, you two can both decide what the best next step would be i.e. how to inform her family. Out of simple respect, it may then be appropriate to plan a formal home visit where the both of you can announce the news to her parents. Again it all depends on her and her family. The degree of formality will change given the circumstances. If they are very traditional or religious, you have to tread more carefully. On the other hand, they could be open-minded and easygoing, making it less of an ordeal. The bottom line is if you two love each other and are committed to each other, you should follow your hearts. There are things you can do along the way to make it smoother for all the family involved but your future ultimately rests in both your hands. With our best wishes for your impending marriage, Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti Comment for The Iranian letters section Comment for Abjeez Fotti and Pari ALSO Abjeez Previous replies RELATED Kobra Khanom SECTIONS * Recent * Cover * Writers * Arts & lit * Opinion * Satire * History * Interviews * Travel * Women * Rights * Surveys * All sections

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