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October 14, 2002 Send us your questions and comments * So unique, so hopeless I am a deaf African-American and non-Iranian. I am in my late 20's. I am also married. I need your advice on what to do and how to deal with my own emotions and attraction. I have had a deep crush on this hearing Iranian man who is in his early 30's, whom I met briefly last winter. The last time I saw this Iranian man was last spring, it was so poignant but sad because I knew that I would never see him again and it broke my heart. After I met him last winter then I developed deep feelings for him that I didn't know what to do and how to deal with it because I never had been attracted to an Iranian man in my life before. He is native-born Iranian but is obviously naturalized American because he told me he grew up in U.S. almost all of his life. He is the most intelligent and dashing man ever I met in my life. I have deep amazing respect and admiration for him truly. I guess I don't think he knows how much he means to me personally because he is my inspiration. I admit that I really truly want him but unfortunately he is married and already moved away somewhere. Nothing romantic happened between him and myself. It was completely platonic between him and myself. I did try to tell him how I felt about him through the letters that I wrote to him but he was busy and never responded and left and moved away. Since last time I saw him I have been struggling with my feeling for him and tried to forget him but I have not been able to. I couldn't get him out of my heart and my soul. I tried to let it go and move on. It is my first experience with this Iranian man. This whole Iranian man situation is new to me and I tried to learn so much about Iranian culture and Iranian people including Iranian-Americans. I really do respect you both and your advice too. What do I do about this now? Should I move on with my life and forget him. I will always love him wherever he is regardless -- whether he is or is not in my life. He said he will miss me. I already told him I will miss him before he told me. I never knew how to act around him. The last time I saw him my knees were shaking and I was very nervous. I was falling in love with him but I knew that I didn't know him very long and that I met him briefly. I will never forget the way he looked at me -- like no one else looked at me. It was unique and one of a kind and rare about the way he looked at me. It was like one of a kind and rare between him and myself. I was so aching to see him and I don't know how he really truly feels about me and I don't know if he loves me or not. I will never know. Thanks, Aching
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: Dear Aching: As such, we think you already know the answer to your question i.e. whether to move on or not. The object of your affection has already answered it. The fact that he did not respond to your love letters and moved away without further communication shows that there is really nothing you can do except to nurse your broken heart and forget him. Though crushes and falling in love with someone is something we all go through, the abjeez are disturbed by the fact that you were both married. Namely, that you would pursue someone while you are married to someone else. And that you would pursue someone whom you know is also committed to his own wife. We know that you can't control who you fall in love with. However, you went further than that and actually took steps to initiate something more than platonic between the two of you (by writing him love letters). We do not feel that this behavior is morally right. Yes, the abeez are probably in a minority today when we believe that the marriage vows are sacred. We do not want to sound unsympathetic or emotionally distant. We are not so naive as to think every marriage is perfect. There are people who got married for the wrong reasons or maybe they have fallen out of love and are no longer compatible. The answer to the problems between a husband and wife however is NOT to bring in a third party into the equation. If you are unhappy in your marriage (and it sounds to us that you are or else why would you pursue a doubly adulterous affair?) you should take steps to either: 1) try to work things out with your husband or 2) if there are no reasonable ways to resolve your dilemna, end your relationship. We strongly urge you to evaluate your home life and your marriage. If things are
so bad that you contemplated having an affair with another man, maybe it is time
to take all that focus you had on that Iranian man and put it towards your relationship
with your husband, and your own life. Regards,
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