Advice September 21, 2002 The Iranian Send us your questions and comments * The first time I saw him I'm a female in my early 20's, living outside Iran. To write about my personal life isn't really easy for me, but I don't know who to turn too. And I don't know what to do. I haven't told anyone about this. I spent all this summer in Iran, it was great! Loved every second of it! Me and my family went to the Caspian sea for a week. It was wonderful, the sun, the sea, everything. But i never expected to fall in love there.... But i did. The first time I saw him I was amazed; he was like the man of my dreams. He noticed me and tried do get in touch with me. Sometimes I get to shy and people think that I'm trying to play hard to get. This is what happened: I was too shy to speak to him. That was one of my biggest mistakes I've ever made! The poor guy followed me and my family to our house, just to see where we live, and this happened 30 minutes after I saw him for the first time. He did a lot of stuff to get in touch with me, but I was dumb enough to not respond to him. I regret it so much now. I had a whole week full of opportunities, but I blew my chances. I saw him every day for a week and every time he tried to get me to talk too him I never had a chance to respond. On the morning when we were leaving, I decided to look for some of his friends, but I couldn't find them. So with a broken heart and a regretful mind, I went back home. I thought I could forget about him, but I can't. I think about him all the time. I'll be visiting Iran next summer and I've been thinking about going back to his town to find him. All this might sound crazy, but I really don't know what to do. When I found out that I was leaving the Caspian sea and probably not see him again, I cried and cried. I have realatives in the same town as he lives, so there is a chance to go back there. I'll be grateful for your guidance. Ms. Irani Reply Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: Dear "Ms Irani" The story you describe is not unusual... for a teeny-bopper! The kind of "coup de foudre" love at first sight puppy crush you describe has happened to all women...when they were young girls. But in your early 20s? Sounds to us like you are not very experienced. Perhaps your shyness has prevented you from developing any relationships with men, even a simple friendship. Why else would you be thinking that you are in love with a man you have never even spoken to? What you describe is not real love. It may be lust or something even more complicated. Your shyness prevented you from speaking to him when he was at an available distance. Once you realized you would be far away from him, that's when you began thinking you are in love. It may be easier for you to have a romanticized ideal love far far away than to develop a real relationship with a close man, whom you would have to speak with on a daily basis. The abjeez think that you are dealing with a shyness that is higher than average. Overcoming this problem seems to us more important than pursuing this "fantasy man" who lives thousands of miles away and who, frankly, gives us a bit of the creeps (Following you home a mere 30 minutes after he has laid eyes on you?! eeessshhhh...) If you're not verbally participating, your personality won't get to shine through. When you're shy, you are cheating yourself and the others because no one gets to really know you. Making matters worse for shy people is the fact that they are often mistakenly labeled as conceited or stuck-up, aloof or uninterested, or lacking self-esteem. As you say, you are mistakenly labeled as "playing hard to get". Shyness can be due to a combination of factors. Perhaps as a child, you were not encouraged to speak your mind or you did not socialize with other children your age. Myabe your parents were (and still are) overprotective of you. This may be some of the reasons you grew up to be a shy and timid adult. Thus, shyness can have a devastating effect on your social, school, and/or work life. Fortunately, it isn't a life sentence: there are ways to overcome this condition. One of the best ways to combat shyness is to change negative thinking and behavior. If you think of yourself as "shy" or repeat to yourself that others perceive you as "hard to get" it makes it easier to play the part. Think of your good qualities instead. Being able to open up will allow you to share your good qualities with others and improve the quality of your life. The following exercises can help you become a more outgoing version of yourself: -- At a party, try to introduce yourself to at least two new people. -- Small talk is great for shy people. They are potential openings for an extended conversation. Ask a question or comment on the weather or a recent event. Just don't try this at 8 a.m. in Starbucks if the line stretches out the door. -- Take an art or cooking class, or anything else that you have an interest in. Being around people that share your passion will make it easier to connect. An amateur acting class can be a good way for you to kill 2 birds with 1 stone: Making new friends, and also learning to be more comfortable with public speech and improvisation. -- Take your dog, or offer to take a friend's dog, to a dog run. Dog owners love to talk about their pets. If you're not the dog's owner, just make sure you know the answers if you're asked, "How old is yours?" or "What breed of dog is that?" -- The next time you're feeling tongue-tied, try the following can't-fail openers: -- Comment on an unusual piece of jewelry or clothing someone is wearing. -- At a party, ask others how they know the host or hostess (from work, school, etc.) -- At the buffet table, ask if they've tried a particular hors d'oeuvre, cheese, or dessert . -- Talk about movies you've seen recently, concerts you've attended, or books you've read. -- Talk about what's going on in the news or in the neighborhood . -- Talk about the coolest Web site you've discovered. There's more to the art of conversation than simply moving your lips. Being a good listener will help you find those opportunities to join in the conversation. Overcoming shyness by participating in conversation takes practice. It is a skill that can be acquired, similar to basketball or swimming. It will help you get what you want out of life whether that's attention from someone you're attracted to, the ability to speak up in class, or just letting someone know that you were in line first. Come back for a shirnee and chayee with your abjeez to let us know about your progress. Til then, you have our best wishes Big Hugs Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti Comment for The Iranian letters section Comment for Abjeez Fotti and Pari ALSO Abjeez Previous replies RELATED Kobra Khanom SECTIONS * Recent * Cover * Writers * Arts & lit * Opinion * Satire * History * Interviews * Travel * Women * Rights * Surveys * All sections

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