February 13, 2003
Send us your questions
* I'm a good catch damn it. What's his deal?!
Here is my issue that I like some advice on:
Wake up, my heart! The world is passing by;
Life froths and flows by, free for the asking.
Don't sleep in your body, oblivious,
As the caravan of life goes by your house
I am a 26-year-old down-to-earth girl. I have beauty inside and outside. I am successful
and I have a good heart.
Marriage was something that was far off into the future for me and until about a
year ago I couldn't even think about being married. Plus, I am very picky and the
type of Persian guy I am looking for seems so rare. I have had many khaastegaars
but that is NOT my style.
About a year ago I saw someone at a gathering and I was in awe by the amount of charm
and charisma this guy had. He was definately different from all of the Persian guys
I was used to seeing. He was good looking, successful, full of values, he seemed
to have a healthy balance between the Iranian and American culture, and best of all:
he was a practicing Muslim.
That is the exact combination that I am looking for. How was I going to let him know
that I was interested in him? We played the eye-contact game at every gathering we
were at. But that was it. We were never in a good position to talk. Everyone knows
how nosy Persians are and I think both of us didn't want anyone to start any rumors.
So the eye games continued. I was starting to get really frustrated. I knew that
if he tried to approach me everyone would make a big deal about it. So I wanted a
chance to talk to him on my own.
I got his email address from someone and I emailed him. Just a friendly hello how
are you type of email. But he wasn't as responsive as I wanted him to be. I was crushed.
I knew that he was searching for his "soul mate" and when I looked at him
I felt that we connected... or was it all in my head?!
Some more time passed and I decided to just forget the whole idea. If he wanted he
would step to me. Right? Random events began happening through out the whole year.
EVERY single time I out his thought out of my head..something strange happened where
we were linked back together. Could this be fate? I thought?
What is his problem? I would say. I have always been the type of girl that
guys chased. For the first time I felt that I was chasing someone and I did not like
it. Specially because it seemed that I wasn't getting my way. I couldn't understand.
Looks I have. Brains I have. Good personality I have. Down to earth I am. Balanced
I am. No one is perfect... and I am not saying I am. But I'm a good catch damn it.
What's his deal?!
More time passed. I had a personals ad for myself on one of these Iranian sites.
I never took any of the emails I got. Eveyone seemd to be 40 and up ... heeh.
One night I came home and checked my email. I almost fainted when I read the email.
It was an email forwarded from that site over to my personal address. The email said
that He liked my profile and that he wanted to talk to me and to email him back if
I was interested. When I saw the email address he had left for me to reply back I
almost had a heart attack. IT WAS HIM! Out of all the people on that website HE had
ended up emailing me.
I didn't know what to do. I got mad. "een khareh is looking for someone
online??" I decided to email him back and let him know it was me he had emailed.
I sometimes do things fast without thinking maybe I shouldn't have. But I did. When
it comes to love I am a fool, what can I say.
SO his response was again disappointing. He basically said that he didn't think
we'd be right for eachother. Hmmmmm so... even though based on some questions on
a web site we seemed so compatible, he doesn't think we'd be right for each other?!
HE doesn't even know me on that level to say. What is he judging me on?!
A few tears dropped down my face and I sat there thinking. Ajab khari hastam!
That's what I get for making the "first move". My mom always said "dokhtar
besheeneh sangeen, bakhtesh beeyad rangeen". WHy is my mom always right?!
That was it for me. I had made myself a fool and I said forget it. Ghesmat neest.
A month passed and again he kept coming up. Everyone seems to think that we are so
perfect for each other. Even a random old lady that had seen me at a mehmoony had
wanted to give my info to his mom for khaastegaary, she mentioned that they have
"showed him" hunndreds of girls and that he finds something wrong with
all of them. WHATEVER, I thought. Let him be alone till he is 50 for all I care!
Another month passed and I finally found out what he didn't like about me. U wanna
know what it was? My weight! Woohoo! So I had gained about 15 lbs the VERY
FIRST time he saw me. But let me tell U, I was still very proportionate. PLUS, weight
is something that can be lost. I wasn't fat. I have an hourglass figure. How shallow
can someone be?!
My feelings were so hurt now. Persian guys I thought! They are all the same!! Any
guy would love to be with someone like me. And now this superficial jerk is passing
me up because I had gotten a bit topol! hmmm...
That's all the motivation I needed to get myself back in the gym. Not for him, for
me. I had procrastinated all year. The ups and downs of life had gotten the best
of me. I lost my extra weight and let me tell U heykalam is back to where it was
and even better. He hasn't seen me in about 4 months. I know I will see him for eid.
What am I to do?! Act like he isn't worth 2 cents? It's so sad. He killed things.
He killed the innocense and beauty of those feelings that I had. He could have gotten
to know me. The weight would have came off... but he chose to pass me up because
of it. Valee, I can't help but think about him still. I still want him... He would
have been perfect...ghesmat ghesmateh!
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
While we have no doubt that you genuinely cared for this guy and you were hurt by
his rejection, we would suggest that the reason you were so attached to him in the
first place resulted, as you described, from the fact that unlike other guys, he
did not pursue you. Used to being "chased" by guys, it was a normal reaction
from you to wonder why this guy was not falling at your feet. You decided to chase
him to prove the point that he could fall under your charm just like the others and
in the process the constant rejection turned what was at first a game into genuine
hurt feelings. O hubris hubris!
Issues of wieght aside, we believe you when you say you are a beautiful person who
has had many pursuers. However, we cringe at your description of how picky you are
at choosing a mate and waiting for the right combination, as if you are browsing
at a self-serve buffet and looking for the perfect dish. It is true that all of
us men and women fantasize at some point about the ideal mate. However this has less
to do with real love than with ego. Due to ego, we imagine the "perfect"
prince charming because we think this is the person who is worthy of us. So the
mate should be a reflection of how worthy we think of ourselves.
True love is not about ego. It is about loving your mate unconditionally for who
they are, flaws and qualities alike. We believe that true love is likely built on
a solid foundation of platonic friendship first, when the two people get to know
each other honestly and without games. Then, with the right chemistry, it can develop
into full blown love.
You are right in saying the guy is superficial because he rejected you due to a little
overweight. But you yourself have also to examine your own motives in pursuing this
man who more than once indicated that he was not interested. Perhaps it was the
ego of getting someone.
Now maybe you know how all the other men who were interested in you may have felt
at your rejection of them because they did not fit your criteria.
We are not saying you should go out with every James, Tom and Harry without any sense
of what it is you want from a man and a relationship. Simply we are suggesting that
you should at least get to know people before you write them off if at first glance,
they do not fit your criteria. Perhaps they have qualities that you could not even
dream of, which they would reveal if given a chance. So in the future, don't chase
guys for the sake of chasing. And don't inflict rejection lightly, because now you
have tasted the sting of being disregarded because of a wrongful first impression.
Also another suggestion is that you should not try to meet guys with the intention
of getting married in other words husband hunting. If, as you say, you are the balanced
and reasonable person that you describe, you should know that any relationship that
is under pressure or with a forced goal in mind is just artificial. It is better
to let things flow naturally.
We are glad you took a negative and turned it into a positive i.e. getting back to
the gym and working on your physical health. And we hope that you have done it 100%
for yourself and not for him. If and when you see him next, you should not play
games, either acting like you ignore him or dissing him. This will make you look
ridiculous and petty.
On the other hand, don't try to talk to him. I think a simple nod and polite greeting
IF you happen to cross paths will be sufficient to keep your dignity and move on.
If he tries to sweet talk you now that you have lost that extra weight, well it is
up to you to decide whether you even want to give a chance to someone who flicked
you away for 15 pounds. On the other hand, you may use your time more productively
in spending it with someone who has the maturity to recognize the beautiful person
inside you, whether it is hidden by an extra 15 pounds or not.
We hope you make the right decision.
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti