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January 1, 2003
The Iranian
Send us your questions
and comments
* When is the right time?
I love reading your section. I have a quick question about relationships. Before
I do that let me just give you a quick intro about myself so you can assess the situation
better. I am a 21-year-old female and I have been raised in both turkey and Iran
(my mother is Turkish). However, the past 10 years we have moved to US.
I have a question for you sisters since so many of us gals are confused on
this question: Based on our background, when do you think is the right time to get
physically intimate (and at least for myself that excludes sex... I mean other means
of physical intimacy)?
I mainly date Middle Eastern men (not that this helps the situation-since mashallah
Iranian men seem to have even a bit more testostorone). What do you think would be
the ideal time to allow the guy to proceed.
Thank you,
D.M.
 Reply
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Dear D.M.:
Thank you for your kind letter. We hope our advice column continues to provide insights
and choices for you.
Abstinence is a tough stance in today's world, filled with so many pressures, not
only from boys, but your female friends, the media including movies, songs, and TV.
No matter what your reasons, religious, moral, or any personal reason, the bottom
line is you have a right to have control over your body and mind. Because sex is
not only a physical experience, it has long-lasting emotional effects, especially
for women. To recognize that you are not ready for sex is itself the most mature
decision you can make about your sex life.
Your challenge becomes twice as hard when you're in a relationship. No matter what
beliefs we hold, it is very hard to resist the temptation to be physically close
to someone we care about. After all we are only human.
That does not mean that you should engage in anything you are not comfortable with.
But certainly, most persons can remain abstinent but still want to be kissed, hold
hands, be embraced etc. The key is to recognize first with how much physical contact
you are comfortable with. Then, you have to communicate that with the man you are
seeing BEFORE the first instance of physical intimacy.
Simply put, you have to let the man know what you stand for. You may say it is
an awkward or embarassing subject. Of course it is. But we would reply by saying
if you are too embarassed to talk about it, then maybe it is also not the right time
to act upon it.
While we are not saying that you should be a Billboard for abstinence, certainly
the person you are with deserves to know this, since it will undoubtedly affect the
future of your relationship. This is a great way to weed out the men who are not
willing to wait for you or to get to know you better as the person you are, rather
than simply the gender you are.
You may fear that as soon as you reveal this aspect of your personality, the guy
will run faster than the Coyote. You may fear losing your boyfriend, or never even
developing a relationship. To that, we would simply say that a person who does not
respect you is not worth the trouble. Without respect, there can be no true love
in a relationship, not even friendship. So whatever you do, we hope that you are
not planning to be physically intimate just to hold on to a boyfriend.
You can also show your choice of abstinence through your actions, for example, by
choosing certain friends and activities over others. Being with like-minded persons
will certainly decrease the loneliness that often comes with abstinence. And while
we recognize that Middle-Eastern men, as you say, mashallah have a very high testosterone
level, by the same token they have a cultural understanding about what abstinence
means for a lot of Middle-Eastern women.
Helping your partner accept your decision can be tough, especially if he or she doesn't
share the same values or understand why you choose to abstain from sex until
marriage. If you're committed to abstaining from sex until marriage, the following
steps can help you feel more confident about your decision:
-- Examine your motive for abstinence. You should know why you made your decision
because that will help you remain confident in your decision so that no one can change
your mind.
-- Try to date people who share and understand your views in life.
-- Be realistic about your future with someone. Just because you think you'll
marry them now doesn't mean you will.
-- If you slip up, don't throw in the towel. Look at each day as another chance
to meet the challenge you've set for yourself.
-- Always keep in mind that abstinence is not forever. You are just holding out
now for something better in the future. It'll be worth it.
With our best wishes,
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti
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