January 14, 2003
Send us your questions
* Am I a pervert?
I have a new problem. It's again concerning the sex with my girlfriend. She
is European, 24. She tells me that I am very aggressive in sex and just think about
my self (typical man) and am not the way she wants.
She Told me, "You should know how I like it by now" (we have been going
out for a month now). I am sorry to say this but she says I am a pervert and I only
think about sex when I am with her and just want that. She mentions that I don't
care about her ... (to be honest, she is not the first girl who says this to me,
and for this reason it has caused some of my relationshiops to break.)
What would you recommend me to do, or what do i have to do to b e a better lover;
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Depiction of sex in the media always makes it look like fireworks. However, the
truth is a lot of people probably have sex that is average, even boring. For young
women in particular, sex can be something of a challenge because they may be too
shy to tell their partner what they like and what they don't. In some cases, they
may have never reached orgasm and don't know what it is. But they will usually not
tell their partner for fear of alienating them.
Women may need a long time of foreplay before shedding their inhibitions so they
can enjoy sex.
For young men, they don't necessarily need a long time to get aroused. That is probably
because it is more of a visual thing for them whereas for women, they have to feel
comfortable emotionally, trust in their partner.
A lot of men learn about sex from watching porn. So In bed, they mimic the big,
dramatic moves they see in porn films, but that's not necessarily what feels best
for their partners.
A little tenderness, some loving words, can go a long way to make a woman feel fulfilled.
At least in your case, your girlfriend is secure enough that she is bringing up these
issues. But she needs to go further than just criticize you. Only talking about
what turns her on can achieve better sex. You should encourage her to share her fantasies
and needs with you before you hop into bed.
Talk about what you'd like to try, what makes you queasy, and even those kinky fantasies
you've never shared with anyone. You'll find out what one another likes and learn
about what lines not to cross.
There are other more subtle ways of realizing what your girlfriend likes or not.
For example, when she makes noise in bed, it is a good indicator that you are doing
a great job and you should continue in that area.
Finally, Practice Makes Perfect: The longer you are in a sexual relationship,
the more attuned you become to the needs and wants of your partner.
Of course, the assumption is that you care enough about your partner to make these
observations. If you don't want to lose your girlfriend, you better become less
self-centered and more aware of her feelings.
With our best wishes,
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti