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January 24, 2003
The Iranian
Two short questions annd answers:
Send us your questions
and comments
* He must be tall and handsome -- or not?
I have a major problem! I am shallow! Yes ... this means if a guy doesn't
look the way I want him to (tall , and handsome) I can't get close to romantically,
no matter how nice he treats me. And deep down I might feel that he is so nice and
I will have a good life with him but when I think about looks it pushes me away.
Why is that so?
I am 28 and I am looking forward to starting a family. There is a really nice
guy that I am friends with and he is interested in me but I am just not attracted
to his looks. But he is "mard-e zendegi"! I keep telling myself that I
might meet someone better in the future but I can'y gurantee that!
Why is it that each time I wanna convince myself that he could be the one,
I think I might meet someone better in the future? Is it true? Will I meet someone
better? What if he is the one and I am messing it up because of being shallow? Should
physical attraction be a factor in who I choose to be with? I know it's not everything
but can you live with someone you aren't physically attracted to?
What should I do? Thank You !
Shallow:)
 Reply
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Dear reader:
We absolutely do not believe that physical attraction and sexual chemistry between
two people is an unimportant or shallow subject, quite the contrary! The absence
or presence of these crucial ingredients is what differentiates a simple friendship
from something more. Now, if your ONLY criteria in finding a mate was looks, we
would not only be calling it shallow, we would call it stupid. Because beauty fades,
but love should not.
However, you seem to be inteligent and recognize all the criteria that are important
in finding a lifemate. For example, you have recognized the inner qualities of your
male friend so it is obvious that you have learnt to look below the surface and the
shell to see what really makes a person inside. Why do you beat yourself up for
wanting the whole package? You can find someone with all those inner qualities AND
also have chemistry and attraction with him.
Also please keep in mind that physical attraction can be something that happens gradually
rather than lust at first sight. One of the biggest mistakes many of us make in
looking for the right partner is judging that person too hastily. If you meet someone
and you aren't hit by Cupid's arrow immediately, it does not necessarily mean that
you won't grow to be attracted to them. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with
one another may create strong mental and emotional resonance that triggers those
romantic feelings you thought you would never have at first.
On the toher hand, you may meet someone you are instantly attracted to and then try
to convince yourself he has the inner qualities you are looking for as well. Well
it's not gonna work. Because ugly or empty words necessarily affect our view of
someone, no matter how handsome he is or beautiful she is. And think what will happen
if your Adonis ends up gaining 100 pounds one year into the marriage and loses all
his hair. If physical attraction was the only thing that got you two together then
you are going to be in big trouble.
Can a relationship work if you feel no chemistry between the two of you? You probably
try to convince yourself that there is no problem if you feel no chemistry for your
partner. You said he is "marde zendegi" which we guess means he is compatbile
with you, you care about each other, and he would make a good husband and father.
Maybe you are thinking of those marriages within your family or circle of friends
which seem compatible even if there is no physical attraction between the two. You
think if they can make it work you can too and just resign yourself.
Please don't go into denial and do yourself and your male friend a big disservice.
Convincing yourself that sex is not important is denial in its purest form. Ignoring
your lack of sexual attraction for your partner will eventually become a time bomb.
You will miss the opportunity to bond with your partner in a way in which you do
not bond with anyone else. You will hurt your partner by constantly rejecting him
or her (unless, of course he or she is not attracted to you either) or you will make
yourself prone to sexual infidelity.
Whatever society or background you come from, sexual chemistry is a must for any
relationship to blossom. This is an unavoidable fact.
As long as you remember that physical attraction and compatibility are not the same
thing, you'll be all right. No need to feel guilty about the factor of physical attraction
though. It is just one of the many elements of a compatible relationship.
With our best wishes,
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti
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