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January 28, 2003
The Iranian
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and comments
* I want him to fall in love with me -- and admit it
I am a 24-year-old Iranian girl, who is attractive and successful. I have been
going out with an Arab guy for the past four months. He is very, very good to me.
He pampers me and makes me very happy. The only thing is he has never said he loves
me and that bothers me. I wonder if it is because I had told him (before the relationship
started) that I do not believe in love.
I feel like I am in love with this man, but of course I will never admit it because
I am very proud. I want him to fall in love with me and admit it though. And there
is no way that I want to look vulnerable infront of him. How can I acheive this goal?
I know the question that I am asking a very difficult one, but I don't know who to
turn to for advice.
Some of my friends say that I have to play hard to get, but how can I play hard to
get when I am already in a relationship? But then again some Middle Easter men will
only love you if you play games with them.
Thankyou
S
 Reply
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Dear S,
Why so young and already so cynical about love? And why all these game playing?
Are you in love with this man or is it just a game that you want him to say I love
you? Will you keep playing "hard to get" even after he says he loves you?
Will you ever admit to him that you love him?
It seems that you are primarily motivated by fear. Well, we are ALL afraid of getting
hurt! The older we get, the more cynical we may get about love, if our relationships
fail and Mr. Right turns out to be only Mr. Right Now. At your young age, girls are
usually more wide-eyed and romantic. Maybe you have gotten really hurt before and
that is why you started this relationship with the chilling statement that you do
not believe in love.
But whatever the reasons for your stand-offishness, this man has obviously conquered
your heart. If you love him, really love him, you would take a chance to let him
know how you feel and you would not worry about playing games. He may never tell
you how he feels because he is equally afraid of your reaction, seeing as you have
told him you do not believe in love.
The thing is, we could tell you to protect yourself, to keep playing games and pretend
you are someone you are not, to keep being manipulative instead of honest and sincere.
Do you really think this is the key to a healthy long-term loving relationship?
When you love someone, you want to be close to them, to open your heart up, even
if it means fear that you may get hurt. You cannot have love without fear. Love
makes you vulnerable, it may hurt you deeply, it may make you cry just as it may
make you laugh. But the thing is all the hurt in the world is worth it. Or else
we would not keep falling in love! You have to realize love is the biggest sacrifice
of your self, in favor of giving yourself wholeheartedly to the person you love.
That is why things like "pride" will always lose out to real love. Pride
after all is the love of oneself. But when you truly love someone, you would sacrifice
yourself for that person, including your pride.
We don't know if you are at that stage yet. It seems from your description that
you may not know what true love is yet but that is okay. Maybe you just need more
experience and some years later, you will truly understand. You say that thi sguy
makes you happy and pampers you. But love is a two way street. It is about giving
just as much, even more, as it is about receiving. Don't confuse your feelings of
being flattered because of the attention heaped upon you by this man necessarily
for feelings of love.
The statement about middle-eastern men liking girls that play hard to get, well it
could apply to any man regardless of nationality. The thing is, some men may be
interested only in the chase. Then they will move on to the next conquest. These
men are not mature enough to desire a real relationship when both partners take off
their masks and just open their hearts to each other. The first description is not
love, it is just infatuation, the thrill of the hunt. It is the second scenario
that involves real love.
If you really believe that your boyfriend will lose interest in you once you admit
to him how you feel, then think about if you really want to stay with such a person.
What is the alternative? To keep lying to yourself and to him through the end of
your lives? If you have the energy and desire to play games, this can be an endless
circus.
If you think that he loves you, and you believe that you love him, you should be
honest about it. If the love is real, then honesty will just strenghten your relationship.
If however, it was an illusion, it is better to find out now than later.
With our best wishes,
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti
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