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March 7, 2003
The Iranian
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* "Daste bi namak" really applies to me
I am an Iranian girl in my late 20's. I live in Europe and spend a lot of time
in Iran when I can. Over the past few years, I have noticed that I find a lot of
problems with my friends. It's not that I expect too much from anyone but I am always
there for people and do everything I can to help them when needed but I never get
the same back.
The saying' daste bi namak' really applies to me. I have become so paranoid
now that I notice it happens with Iranian and non Iranian friends alike. I'm only
writing this because I really have evaluated myself and I don't see anything wrong
in my words, actions etc...
I am now so confused as to why this keeps happening to me - I am feeling increasingly
isolated,lonely and depressed. One example is when I came to Iran to visit, I eagerly
called all my friends here but the ones I counted on didn't even make an effort to
see me, nor did they invite me for a cup of tea, nor did they give an hour of their
time to visit them in a coffee shop.
I know everyone is really tied up with their lives but why is it that I hear
others don't have these issues. I thought there was something wrong with me eventhough
I know that I haven't done anything wrong but I can't help feeling there is something
wrong with me and that I feel like such a loser ... ...
It is the same with my friends in Europe. They haven't even sent me one email
to see if I am dead or alive. I do go through the phase of 'who needs them anyway'
but deep down I wish I could explain this strange phenomenon which seems to happen
to me!and I am really starting to suffer from this. I know this is a rather vague
explanation but may be you know others in the same shoes?!!!
Any advice will be apprciated...
Desperate
 Reply
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Dear Desperate,
Believe us when we tell you we have been there! There is nothing more hurtful
than the sting of being let down by people you count on, especially when you happily
make sacrifices of your time, effort and energy to help them and support them when
needed.
It brings tears to our eyes when you say that you feel like a loser. Please do not
feel that way! You are a beautiful pure soul who knows the true value of friendship
and you are a giver. Unfortunately, the cynical side of the abjeez will say that
when you give too much to people, they take it fro granted. It is in human nature
to pursue things that are unavailable, people who are elusice.
Having a busy life is no excuse. How come they always find the time to cry on your
shoulder when they are going through rough patches and noone else is left there to
take care of them but you. Why is it when they are happy and things are going their
way, they suddenly forget about you?
Your friends in Iran may be jealous of you. For example, they might think, without
any evidence or basis, that you are going to lord it over them because you are able
to travel internationally and they can't. A lot of times, people's reaction will
be to envy and frown at their friend's accomplishments instead of share in them.
We abjeez have always been happiest when we hear of someone's success or happiness.
Sadly, other people just don't have the capacity to see past their nose.
It could also be that a lof of these friends have now grown apart from you, with
other interests, and what held you together as children now seems remote and even
foreign.
We would hate to suggest to you to close yourself off emotionally, and become as
aloof and cold as the people you describe. Sure, being distant will shield you from
a lot of hurt. But nothing is as sweet than a COMMONLY held bond of friendship when
both people mutually respect and appreciate each other.
On the other hand, we don't want you to keep getting hurt by these insensitive so-called
"friends". If your friends in Iran don't bother coming to see you even
for a quick coffee, move on. Don't think about them and just write them off. Spend
time with your family, who will be more than happy to have more of you to themselves,
or spend time by yourself doing the things that you have always liked to do. Strike
up new friendships, with people you have things in common with.
As for your "friends" who have not so much as emailed you, write them off
as well. Do not take steps once again to renew ties. They have taken you so much
for granted that they expect you will always be around for them. Once they realize
that you are not around, and how much they miss you, they will get in contact with
you.
No matter how eager you are to give so much of yourself, you have to try to keep
balanced. Stand back and evaluate these relationships. When was the last time one
of these people took time out for you. I am not talking about having someone to
accompany them for a party or nightclub. I am talking about some serious heart to
heart talk, when you open up your hurt feelings as well as your joys for life. Are
these true friends or just acquaintances. How much do you really know about them?
Are the relationships only superficial?
Bottom line is, you have to befriend people who are interested in a friendship with
you, not just what they can get out of you, and once you are no use for them, then
just sweep you under the rug.
Try to not always be the one to take the first step. If you make plans with someone,
let them make the plans for next time. Prioritize your life and give the most attention
to your life, not always to your friends.
And remember, it is OKAY to say no (practice it!). If you discipline yourself
not to give too much at first, or at least until the mutual friendship has built
up, you will be less hurt. Friendships have to be mutual. People say you have to
kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince charming. Here, similarly, takes
these experiences you have had and try to analyze them (without putting all the blame
on yourself, since you had nothing but good intentions) and try to not repeat it
the next time.
Our best wishes,
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti
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