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March 19, 2003
The Iranian
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A question and a followup:
* Too aggressive?
I am a 20-year-old Iranian girl. My question is regarding aggression. To my
amazement I have been increasingly told that I am aggressive. Where as before I always
interpreted this into 'I'm just not girlie and I like expressing my opinions and
feelings as they are.'
Today it actually makes me think I can't decide whether this is just how I
operate or if it is actually a problem. I like to know where it originates; is it
that I can't take criticism? Am I extra sensitive because I am constantly reminded
that I am an Iranian Moslem female?
To be honest I think being an Iranian Moslem female you need to come across
clear and hard, otherwise I feel my identity is going to dissolve away! Or is it
some kind of repulsion? (as normally people just point it out but my dad likes to
remind me every 2 days) or am I making hay from a grain? I have been told that one
too! It confuses me.
If you ladies can help me out, great. If not, do you any web site I can type
my question and get my answer from a counselor?
 Reply
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Dear "Am I Agressive?"
"Agressive" is one of those loaded words that can give numerous interpretations
depending on the context: For example, the sentence "He is an agressive sports
competitor" may be seen as praise. On the other hand, the sentence "He
was sexually agressive" gives out bad connotations.
It can be safe to say that for women, the term "agressive" has been used
as a put down universally. We are sure we do not need to re-hash for you the social
conditioning given since birth that good girls are quiet and obedient while boys
will be boys i.e. any amount of raucousness and agressivity are excused because of
their gender and in many cases celebrated and encouraged as a sign of alpha maleness.
This applies not only to Muslim women in Muslim societies but to all the continents,
all the social classes, etc. Of course, it may be more pronounced in your case if
as you describe you are constantly reminded of your limitations as a Muslim woman,
which of course has the effect of making you lash out even more.
From your letter, it seems that your so-called "aggression" is about being
opiniated and expressive. If such an attitude was taken for the past 20 years why
is it now that you are doubting yourself? Perhaps it is the fact that such "haazer-javaabi"
(quick-tongued) was considered cute and harmless when you were a child. But now that
you are a full-fledged womam, your father sees it as something more.
He may be worried about his own reputation if for example, the people in your
society see your freedom of expression as a reflection that your father has no control
over you, and that he does not know how to keep the female members of his household
in line. It may be that your family is worried about your marriage prospects in
a society where a talkative woman who stands up for her opinion is not a good catch.
Whatever the reasons may be, it is more important what you think about yourself.
You have to try to step back and give yourself a more or less objective analysis
to see if you are simply using your freedom of expression as anyone else would, or
whether you are going beyond the boundaries of politeness and tact.
For, no matter how good it is to have your own opinion and be able to express it
and stand behind your ideas, there are such things as timing and picking your battles.
If you are on "dandeye nah" as my father would say just to make a point
that you do not agree with others, your freedom of expression may be starting to
veer into the area of obnoxiousness.
Any person, whether a man or a woman, will not gain points in social settings
by jumping down people's throats for every subject, from the way you should eat your
soup (from inside to the outer edge or vice versa) or the most recent political controversy.
Try to evaluate if your actions are motivated purely by the fact that you think
you are oppressed as a Muslim woman, or because you genuinely have a disagreement
with what is being said and feel it is both appropriate and timely to voice your
opinion.
The abjeez, like every other young woman and man for that matter, have gone through
that phase in our late teens and early twenties where we were so passionate about
every topic from A to Z we felt the need to lecture on it like windbags. The attitude
of know-it-all is very unique to this era of youth, before we become older and wiser,
and realize that the more we know the less we know.
That being said, we abjeez would not change any of those years for the world. It
is a necessary rite of passage for any youth, female or male, hopefully. Better
to be passionate and expressive rather than numb and passive. Please do not stifle
your expression and opinion to conform to others' acceptable view of you as a Muslim
woman. We encourage you to continue to educate yourself on a variety of topics,
and not let anyone walk all over you or force you to believe in something that just
is contrary to your fundamental opinion.
The key is, as we've said, to pick and choose your battles and always think before
you engage in an argument whether 1) the person you are targeting actually has a
chance to change their mind or are you just banging your head against the wall 2)
you are doing this more because you are enamored of the sound of your own voice rather
than contributing something to the general discussion in a positive, respectful manner
3) the subject matter is really worthy of 30 minutes, 90 minutes, 4 hours of your
precious time? Most importantly, have you learned to LISTEN to your interlocutors?
Communicating should never be a one way street or else it becomes a harangue, hence
the moniker of "agressive" put upon you.
With those criteria in mind, you should be able to evaluate whether you are "aggressive"
or simply "assertive." Please feel free to write us more, giving us more
examples of times that you were called "agressive", if you are still not
clear on this issue. We will set out a nice tray of shirnee and hot steaming chayee
for you and you can tell us how you disagree with our analysis.
Big hugs from your,
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti
Followup:
Qow, you two are cool. Thank you abjeez for getting back to me.
Why am I doubting myself now that I am 20? I guess because I didn't have a happy
teenage life so in a way, if I was being aggressive as people said, then it was my
decision to behave that way. I was always a confused kid, pretty angry at my parents.
However in the last 2 years I have liked my parents more than I did and pretty much
came to the conclusion that farting around with a sexy guy is just as good as having
kebab with my lil sis and mum and dad and bro, but most of all I am a happy kid these
days.
I am not rude or argumentative. I don't mind if I appear aggressive to friends and
colleagues because I think the people that know me, know me for who I am. Most of
them have told me that I am funny also, so it's a matter of a lil bit of good and
a lil bit of bad, mixed together
The thing that bothers me is the meaning of my agression. I wonder if it's subconciously
due to insecurity? I will give you a good example. Last year I moved from London
to Manchester for university (my familly still remained in London).
The girl I happened to sit next to on the first day of uni became my friend. I think
that at that point all the freshers (uni starters) are so vulnerable that they always
aknowledge the person next to them and are only glad to have a friend. So the reason
we became friends was that we were comfortable with each other and gradually we did
stuff together.
As I got to know her, there were things I decided I don't like about her, (and things
I like about her). But most of all I increasingly became aware of things she would
say that I would feel put down.
By last week I was pretty convinced that the company of my jolly friend is not easy,
fun and comfortable anymore, the way I saw it. I could either gradually ignore her
so the relationship drifts apart or I could let her know how I feel. Being myself,
I chose to let her know as honestly as I could.
So I text her saying 'I have been thinking about our friendship and I don't like
it, I think I'll give it a miss.'
So she called and I said to her that I was not trying to insult her but I do feel
constantly challenged. Sometimes I give an opinion and it's constantly challenged
to the point of stupidity and sometimes it's nice to have someone that agrees with
you every once in a while in this tough life of ours.
But I clearly gave her examples of when her remark (sarcasm? joke?) has put
me down previously. I told her that I have thought about why she does it and there
is only 3 variations:
1- This is how she normally operates and is unaware of its affects on me
2- She intends to put me down
3- I am sensative
I told her in all three cases it's taking increasing amount of energy and effort
to communicate with her. She was very hurt, totally surprised, paralized with speech.
She asked why I hadn't said anything before? I said I gave her the benefit of the
doubt, but she hasn't! You have just blown it out of proportion not giving me a chance,
she said! blah blah blah
I had thought about letting her know my feelings and I made a choice to let her know
how I feel. It may not have been how people would have felt in this situation normally
but I can't be wrong in knowing how I feel, yet why was she so shocked? You know
where I am if u need me she said. Ok I said.
The next day I was looking at this mess from every possible angle. God, it would
have helped if she was remotely aware of it. I was right, but I came across very
hard but honest.
While i have achieved many outstanding rewards and (if this doesn't sound too
big headed, have always been the best in what I do, as do most Iranians abroad) I
am constantly aware that I am not the outstanding person among siblings. I am the
middle one!
I wonder if in some bizarre way I feel subconciously put down by my familly
and it manifested in a strong feeling towards my friend? Why was it so essential
to tell her she makes me feel like she doesn't think much of me? (To my amazement
she said I am the only person in Manchester she thinks something of!)
I have always felt that my identity doesn't come across, or hasn't been developed
under the shadow of my reverand mother. Is it that subconciously I don't think much
of my life at the moment? Am I not convinced my familly life is my ideal way of life?
is it THAT that bothers me? Am I thinking too much?
Shall I put the kettel on?
And ladies, my friend's reaction made me think if I was being AGGRESSIVE. So I called
her the next day saying I told her the truth the day before but I may have been too
aggressive and I'll buy her lunch so we are friends again!!
I'll look forward to ur reply.
Reply
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
We are glad you stood up for yourself with your friend. Sometimes, people take
kindness and see it as a weakness so they step all over you. Then when you stand
up and say "enough" they are all shocked and surprised but those tears
are more about losing control they thought they had over you than being really sorry
about what they have done.
Believe us when we say people shed a lot of crocodile tears and they definitely
know when they are being insensitive and rude, they just know wich people to do it
to, and which people not to mess with.
Our only advice is next time, as you say, speak up earlier in the relationshop
so you clearly set the boundaries. Of course, your analysis of the vulnerability
of freshmen was VERY ASTUTE. There is definitely a tendency to close your eyes to
a lot of BS because at that point, you just want to belong and have a friend to hold
on to in this big new sea of fresh faces and unknown surroundings that colleg life
represents.
About your family life, we are glad you are getting along better with them than during
your teen-age years. Of course teen years are seldom happy for anyone. If you feel
like you were in the shadow of your siblings or your mother, the best way to overcome
that is to concentrate on yourself and focus on your own happiness and success without
always comparing it to your family members or seeking their approval.
We think you are definitely on the right path by going to university in a diferent
city. While we do not advocate that you cut ties with your family, take this opportunity
to grow on your own and become an individual not defined by the thoughts and opinions
of others. This is the best time in your life to find out who you are, what you
like, etc.
We are sure that you will prosper,
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti
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