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March 27, 2003
The Iranian
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* Office romance gone bad
Dear Abjeez,
Thank you for your wonderful column, I have enjoyed reading your comments these
past few months. I would greatly appreciate your help (if you don't tire of reading
other people's problems!).
I am a 25 year old Iranian female living in the US who has been working as a lawyer
for the past year. Most of my life has been devoted to my studies, my career, and
have always been very emotionally secure and independent. I have many male friends
and have until recently been very happy and focused in my life. Five months ago,
I began to date a lawyer in my firm who has now completely broken my heart.
When I first met him, I could tell he was very interested in me. I thought
he was a nice person but I did not want to become involved with him because 1) he
works in my firm 2) I was enjoying this time in my life of trying new things and
growing up and 3) I did not know exactly what I want out of a relationship at the
time and did not want to 'lead him on'. I told him all this in all honesty but he
was very persistent and very charming. He finally won me over.
Things were great until I learned my friend, another coworker, had feelings for him.
To make a long story short, she told him about these feelings. He told her he wasn't
interested and told me the entire account of the night. I became suspicious during
the next few days when I would see them talking and laughing around the office. I
confronted him on this and it lead to many arguments concerning how they were just
friends. A week after these events, this man breaks off our relationship for no good
reason. The day before this happened, we were so happy spending the entire day together
just sitting out in the sun playing with my dog by the pond in the park.
I am upset to think that this man has been lying about his feelings towards me this
entire time. I was so sure of him not by the things he said but simply by the adoring
way he used to look at me. How can men simply turn off their feelings so easily?
I feel like a prize he had to chase after and win and when my heart was won, he did
not want it. Although he claims it had nothing to do with this other woman, I do
not know how I can ever trust anyone again and I really want to be able to trust
people. Now, I have to see him at work and watch this other woman advance on him.
And worse still, I think I would return to him if he asked me tomorrow.
Please help!
Confused Lawyer
 Reply
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Dear Confused Lawyer,
While people often advice against getting involved with someone from work, we do
not fault you for that. The reality is, in this world where we spend 90% of our
time in the workplace, especially in the demanding job of a lawyer, there is little
opportunity to meet someone elsewhere. And even then, the issues of trust and safety
come up whereas in the workplace, at least, you know a lot more about the person
before you get involved.
People who close themselves off emotionally do so to stay safe. We know you had
to focus hard on your studies and career to get where you are. But we are sure your
distance from getting involved romantically had to do with more than that. You are
not alone in being afraid of getting hurt. We all are and are reluctant to make
ourselves vulnerable to someone. This often costs us valuable relationships where
the rewards of trust and intimacy outweigh that of being safely at a distance.
First of all, we do not think you can call this female co-worker of yours a friend
if she went after your boyfriend knowing the two of you were in a relationship.
Often, people confuse the everyday niceties and laughs that happen between co-workers
as friendships. This woman seems to have manipulated your weakest point, which is
your fear of getting hurt, and sabotaged your relationship. Of course, the blame
should not rest squarely on her shoulders.
Your boyfriend displayed great honesty and a desire to gain your trust when he told
you flat out about the advances of that woman and how he rejected it. He could have
very well kept it to himself but it seems that he wanted to be honest 100% with you.
However, he shot himself in the foot because instead of respecting him for telling
you the truth, you began to grow suspicious.
In a workplace, co-workers will cross paths, work together, chat idly etc. You cannot
demand that your boyfriend avoid this woman at the workplace. There needs to be
a certain amount of diplomacy involved. The problem is, you lacked trust in your
boyfriend, which resulted in arguments, and he probably felt very disappointed that
despite his best efforts to be honest with you, you still lacked trust in him.
Sometimes, it is good to put yourself in the other person's shoes to evaluate whether
your own actions are rational. Turn the situation around and imagine you were being
pursued by another man but you reassured your boyfriend that nothing would happen
between you. But then your boyfriend started criticizing you and raising jealous
arguments every time you happened to talk with that man.
Everyone has trust issues. Sometimes, it comes from having been abandoned by a parent,
having seen the hurt and suffering of a divorce. It can come from your own personal
experiences, where you've been hurt before in a romantic relationship and it has
affected you. There's nothing unnatural about being jealous, that is part of our
human make-up. But crazy jealousy can interfere with and even destroy your relationships.
You say this man broke off your relationship for no good reason but you must evaluate
your actions and how it affected him. There can be no love that survives the lack
of trust. Of course, many men tend to avoid the thorny issues of breaking up with
a woman and rather turn off abruptly and suddenly once they have made up their mind.
This is a sad reality that leaves a lot of questions unanswered for a woman, and
of course they tend to blame themselves for their real or imagined shortcomings.
Perhaps this man felt that he made the best efforts in the relationship and it just
was not working out. Maybe he was disappointed that you would not trust him after
he has come clean to you. It could even be that he did not want to involve himself
in a serious relationship.
Whatever the reasons, you have to accept that your relationship is over and move
on. Even if your suspicions were all true and he gets involved with the other woman
at work, that does not mean you cannot trust anyone again. You have to work on your
trust issues both by looking within yourself (identifying the roots of your reluctance
to trust others, and your jealous behavior) and also by evaluating others more objectively.
We abjeez always advocate that a friendship is the best way to start a romantic relationship.
The trust and bond that forms the friendship is a solid stem from which the flower
of a romantic relationship can grow and blossom without being afraid that the stem
will break or bend.
We know it is hard for you to work int he same place as your ex-boyfriend and the
other woman. Try to be the bigger person. Do not engage in the petty gossip and
rumours and concentrate on your work. If however, their behavior is affecting you
to the point that you cannot go on, you should start looking for another job. Starting
out with a clean slate is beneficial for the process of getting over a break-up.
Our thoughts are with you, as we abjeez have been there and are feeling your hurt
right now. No matter how deep the hurt you feel right now, rest assured that those
negative feelings will fade away. Do your best to ensure that they do. Concentrating
on yourself right now will be the best remedy for a broken heart.
Take care, big hugzzz and kisses from your,
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti
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