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January 16, 2003

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.


Steven Wright's stand up comedy lines:

1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

3. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it... so I said "Implants?"

5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.

6. Sign in a CHINESE Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK... they know me here.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas ... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

10. I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life..... Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

13. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.
But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!

14. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

15. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

16. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

17. I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

18. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.

19. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

20. How come we choose from just two people to run for president, and 50 for
Miss America?

21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

23. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

24. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

25. The differences between snowmen and snowwomen are snowballs

Sent by Sheila D

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