July 27, 2004
Things You Have to Believe to Vote Republican
* Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a
bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney
business with him and a bad
guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
* Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade
with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
* A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
* Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals
and Hillary Clinton.
* The best way to improve military morale is
to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits
and combat pay.
* If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents
won't have sex.
* Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy.
Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
* HMOs and
insurance companies have the best interests of the public at
* Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are
junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
* A president
lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable
offense. A president lying to enlist support for a
war in which thousands die
is solid defense policy.
* Government should limit itself to the
powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages
and censoring the Internet.
* The public has a right to know about
Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's cocaine conviction
is none of our business.
* Being a drug addict is a moral
failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers
for your recovery.
* You support states' rights, which means Attorney
General John Ashcroft
can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to
* What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital
national interest, but
what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS VOTE REPUBLICAN.
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