They don't know
That little 12-year-old with all her insecurities is still inside of
June 25, 2002
Happy Birthday to me, the big 21.
I feel so old but yet so young and naive at the same time. Everyone has always told
me how mature I am for my age. Growing up I always wanted to be in the grown-up conversations
and always had an opinion about everything. I use to hate having to sit at the kids'
sofreh and miss out on all the deep philosophical subjects of the day.
Having four older siblings magnified my desire to be considered as older than I was
so that I could feel closer to them. It always made me feel so proud when they would
tell me what a strong and intelligent little girl I was. I wanted so much to please
At first I would cry when they left home, but then I just became resentful and angry.
There was always an excuse. Important documents to be signed, a cousin's wedding
to attend. There has always been plenty of money and valid reasons for my parents
to leave my little brother and I in the care of one of the older children and go
on their merry way their precious homeland.
I felt abandoned and alone, frightened and angry, but mostly I just felt empty, completely
empty. I was very mature though. Of course I was fine, don't worry about me anyone.
I've always been good at taking care of myself.
All I wanted was for her to hold me and tell me that everything was alright, I didn't
want to be strong and mature. For once I just wanted to be her little girl. I would
try to give her hugs but she would say, "get away from me, nafasam gerefteh."
So cold when I needed warmth, so distant when I needed closeness.
I cried every day, that just made her more angry with me. I wasn't being very mature.
They tell me what a strong person I am, how intelligent and independent, how mature.
They don't know anything.
That little 12-year-old with all her insecurities is still inside of me, she still
controls my every thought. Abandoned and alone, sad and frightened, she walks around
convincing everyone how strong and independent she is. God forbid anyone think she
was being immature.
-- June 12, 2002