 Dear Sir
A presumptuous note
By Ali Sadri
November 7, 2003
The Iranian
After separation from my fiancé, the only
thing left for me to do was to contact her father and break the
news. He was not an ordinary father. On
the contrary, he was a proud-as-a-peacock dignitary, a distinguished member
of the late majesty's cabinet (our own beloved Shah). And I was fortunate
to have clinked his champaign glass and privileged to produce occasional
light to his cigar.
He held a doctorate in economics and demanded
my (now former) fiancé, too,
must acquire one even if it meant acquiring it in a certain Arab country
where education was most probably of highest standard.
So I decided to write to her father and embarked
on scribing the finest letter I have ever attempted in my entire
feeble life. Though to persuade
an intellectual giant who speaks prolifically in the utmost complex English
constructs would be challenging. My creation must exceed my own limited
intelligence; I would attempt to create absolute perfection. A gem of
a letter from which
would flow scholarly streams of words with dynamite, heart-rendering
sentiments that would drive Charles Manson into becoming a nun
and Mother Teresa into
a murderer. And so I began to write:
Dear Sir,
My presumptuous yet polite but impromptu note at such inopportune
time deserves not the slightest suggestion of interest on your
behalf, conversely, my requesting
of your fortitude in abiding a moment in time to my address delivered as
inappropriately as it may seem is much appreciated, I assure
you. It is beyond words the respect
I reserve for your high stature and the honor I infinitely cherish in having
been sanctified with your presence.
Only with diffidence in undertaking the following
discharge of functions of thought in the form of words, which
are meager, and presumably undeserving
of your outstandingly expansive intellectual faculty, do I aspire to
strive
even at the jeopardy of my standing. Moreover, I have never delivered
an address to distinguished characters such as yourself; therefore
I trust
that you would
be kind as to descend to a stratum in which we can exchange these reflections
of ideas.
Only with undersized acquirements did I distinguish
myself to instigate the function of prospective husbandry to
your daughter
of thirty-five
whom I
came to find irresistible in a peculiar manner. Though I dismissed
most oddities that ascended (and later escalated) during our
courtship that
initiated with
an evening of sudden silent verbal performance of adoration, which
I instantaneously came to be fond of.
Subsequent to the disclosure
of your
daughter's having
been, since the age of fifteen, adulterated with various simple submicroscopic
organisms in the lower extremity, a fiery dysfunction extinguished
only by applying generously herbal and synthetic ointments,
my disposition
as constant
as it may have seemed botched fortnightly when to my incredulity
your daughter's paroxysm of flirtatious, alluring, and engaging
demeanor
conducive to the
preceding and proceeding gentlemen acquaintances and associates and
friends and connections
and neighbors and grocers and postmen erected unexpectedly.
It would be of very great gratification to me
to be excused for the reasons above. Therefore, I trust you will
select someone else, whose
leisure
and talents may enable him to acquit himself with more honor than
I should have it in my
power to do.
Should you fail in procuring another I shall not
be able to endeavor to deliver, however, I shall not consider
the time occupied idly
spent.
Your Friend, and
Servant,
X.
P.S. You mentioned in our last meeting that you
were inclined to relocate to the West Coast and accept a position
of
Honorary Assistant
Professor
at the
Riverside Community Collage. Since I have had the satisfaction
to gander with awe upon the grandiose facility on several
occasions, I must most
confidently
inspire you to cease immediately all contemplation and
accept the position.
But then, after some reflection, I
ripped up
the page
crumbling
it
inside clenched fists, and mailed anew with the following
modifications:
Dear Sir,
Your daughter is a whore and the wedding is off.
Yours truly,
X.
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Dear Sir