Music. Enter MEN'S CHORUS. They are carrying branches; one has a toolbox.

MEN'S CHORUS
Come on, old fellow, hurry up.
Of course your shoulder's sore.
Of course it is, it's bound to be:
Look what you're carrying.

How could this happen, men?
Could anything be worse?
The wives we loved and cherished -
A pain, a plague, a curse.
Our own Capital Hill,
The symbol of our state -
They've locked themselves inside it,
They've barred the sacred gate.

Don't just stand there. Pile the branches.
Green and sappy. round the doorway.
Make a bonfire. Now they're for it.
Smoke'em out. They'll soon come running.
Coughing, crying. They'll surrender.

D'you remember the last time we'd someone holed up like this?
It was the Persian Gulf theatre of war,
Christ, what a precise surgical bombing that was!
We made that Saddam growl.
How proud he was! How boastful!
And how we made him howl!
He shouted, `I surrender';
We stood here, rank by rank.
He slunk out, starving, whining;
He flapped his rags, he stank.

Now it's women. Barred and bolted.
Playing soldiers. What a business!
Who'd have thought it? Who'll endure it?
We won in Panama, beat Communism -
They won't face us. They'll surrender.

Up here.
Don't flag, don't flinch.
We're near.
Another inch.
My shoulders are falling apart.
I wish I'd a Toyota pick up.
A little higher.
Who's got the fire?
Look at it glow.
Are you ready? Blow.
Fff, fff, ee, oo,
It's smoking, groo!

It bites.
It's got fangs, got wings.
It fights.
It nips and stings.
It's choking me. This isn't funny.
My eyes are all red-rimmed and runny.
Visene, please!
We're on our knees.
Don't let it stay.
Blow it away.
Fff, fff, ee, oo,
It's still here. Groo!

That's well alight.
What next? Light the torches?
Hammer on the door? A Black & Decker?
But what if they refuse to open up?
Do we set fire to the whole damn thing?
And force'em out that way? Dunno, dunno.
At least we've put that firewood down.
Give our shoulders a break, if you see what I mean.
Any of you gentlemen like to lend a hand?
Any generals in the house?

Never mind. Light the torches. Me first.
Lady Victory, help us punish that female pride.
We'll put up a trophy as soon as we get inside.

Enter WOMEN'S CHORUS carrying water.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
Smoke! Someone's playing with fire.
This way ladies. Hurry. Here.

Don't stand there! You'll stifle.
A lungful, an eyeful.
Those silly old jokers
Are trying to smoke us.
Bring water and put them out now.

Here's a potful, a mugful,
A bowlful, a jugful.
I managed to get some.
Those grandads, we'll wet some,
We'll soak them and put them out now.

Such moaning and mumbling,
Such groaning and grumbling!
No bath-house, no pyre would
Need half as much firewood.
Bring water and put it out now.

Men Begin taking their clothes off.

Stop that!
Don't do that.
You can't do that in a respectable establishment.

MEN'S CHORUS
It's hardly respectable now.
It's swarming with females.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
You're shaking. You're trembling. Why?
Because you're outnumbered? Because
We've thousands more, inside?

MEN'S CHORUS
This boasting is silly. Who's got
An olive branch? The symbol of peace?
Wallop'em with it. Let's have some peace.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
Put your pots in a circle, ladies.
Roll up your sleeves.
We're being attacked.

MEN'S CHORUS
A left and a right to the jaw.
Like Mike Tyson, so raw.
That'll shut their yap.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
Don't you touch my yap,
If you want to keep your balls.

MEN'S CHORUS
Two lovely black eyes.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
You're joking.

MEN'S CHORUS
A cauliflower ear.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
You're senile.

MEN'S CHORUS
You're for it.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
You're past it.

MEN'S CHORUS
You've had it.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
Just try me.

MEN'S CHORUS
I'll burn you like a bonfire.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
I'll soak you like a seaweed.

MEN'S CHORUS
Like seaweed?

WOMEN'S CHORUS
Like seaweed.

MEN'S CHORUS
A touch of torch?

WOMEN'S CHORUS
A bowl of bath?

MEN'S CHORUS
You and whose army?

WOMEN'S CHORUS
Make my day

MEN'S CHORUS
Make my day.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
My day.

MEN'S CHORUS
Burn her hair off.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
Ladies... Shower of water.

MEN'S CHORUS
Yarg!

WOMEN'S CHORUS
What's the matter? Too cold for you?

MEN'S CHORUS
What are you doing?

WOMEN'S CHORUS
Watering your shoot, to see how it grows.

MEN'S CHORUS
It's withering. I'm shivering.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
What a shame your fire's gone out. You could have warmed yourself on that.

(Back to top)

SCENE THREE - A

Enter SENATOR.

SENATOR
Has it blazed up again? The female sex:
Its impertinence, its orgies, its noise.
Howling and yowling, like pussies on a roof!
D'you remember yesterday? In full Assembly!
That fool congressman was making an important motion,
Something about increasing our presence in the Gulf,
And all the while his wife kept whispering about
'Imagine there's no country, I wonder if you can'
Nothing to kill or die for, a brotherhood of man'
He said. And she said (I think she'd had a few),
'Imagine all the people, living life in peace, ohoo-hoo'
He said...she said...it went on all morning.
I don't know which one of them was worse.

MEN'S CHORUS
I'll tell you what's worse, sir. Them.
They've splashed us and soaked us and splattered us.
We're dripping. You'd think we'd pissed ourselves.

SENATOR
Where've you been men, WaterWorld? That's no joke.
The whole thing's no joke. It's your own damn fault.
It's men in general who're to blame for this.
We're far too nice to them. We pamper them,
We spoil them. And soon it gets out of hand.
You go to Tiffany's and you say,
`Remember that necklace for my lady wife?
She was dancing last night and the pin fell out.
I've got to fly to Tokyo tomorrow:
Run up to the house, there's a good fellow,
And put in a pin for her.' Or else -
You know that little fashion designer, Short little man,
Like a little boy, except for the - yes, that one.
`My wife's new dress is not fitting quite right.
Slip up today, and fix the thing for her.'
That's how it starts - and look at the result.
Here am I, a member of the US Senate
Come here to Capital Hill for cash
To support our boys overseas -
And what do I find? Gates shut, doors barred,
And a bunch of women, squatting. It just won't do.
Constable, that crowbar. We'll put a stop to this.
Don't stand there gaping.
Stick your tool under there, and lift.
Oh here, let me.

LYSISTRATA comes out.

LYSISTRATA
It's open: Look. No trouble.
It isn't tools you need, it's common sense.

SENATOR
Common sense? A member of the US Senate?
You! Arrest that woman.

LYSISTRATA
Don't touch me! That is,
If you ever want to eat again.

SENATOR
Pay no attention. What are you afraid of?
Grab her round the middle.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
Touch her, by god, and shit yourself.

SENATOR
He has already. Someone else. You, man.
Grab that one: the one making all the noise.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
Lay one finger on her, and lose it.

SENATOR
I said batter, not scatter.
Block the exit.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
I'll block theirs first.

SENATOR
Good grief, they're leaving.
Come back. They're women:
Don't let them get on top. Come back.

LYSISTRATA
I'm warning you. There are four more companies inside.
BIG ladies, armed to the TEETH, and WILD.

SENATOR
Don't just stand there. Grab!

LYSISTRATA
Women of the world, help!
Wheatgermandpoppyseedwhole mealandPITTAgirls, GarlicandonionandbeetrootandCARROTgirls,
Grab, bite, gouge, pinch, tear, rip, scratch.

WOMEN attack. Melee.

Don't be bashful! Don't be shy!

The men run for it.

That's it, now. Leave them. Heel, girls, heel!

SENATOR
Them: four. Us: nil. Not a good result, for us.

LYSISTRATA
Well, what did you expect? What did you take us for?
Did you imagine women had no spirit? no bottle?

SENATOR
No bottle? I'd rather not answer that.

MEN'S CHORUS
Quite right, sir. Don't waste your breath
On them. They're maniacs, wild beasts.
Just look at the bath they've given us -
Fully dressed, soapless - they're hopeless.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
I warned you: make my day, I said.
And did you listen? With that thick ear?
All I want is to sit quietly at home...like this.
I want to be tidy and calm... like this.
But someone always comes along and pulls my chain.

MEN'S CHORUS
They're fiends in human shape. B
ut we can't just stand and gape.
We have to try.
We must ask why
Such outrage, such disgrace
In Democracy's holy place.
It won't be easy. Not a pleasant task.
But it has to be done. Go on, sir: ask.

(Back to top)

SENATOR
Very well. It's simple, ladies. First, Why in Heaven's name have you barred these gates?

LYSISTRATA
To keep you out of the Treasury. No cash, no war.

SENATOR
What's war to do with cash?

LYSISTRATA
You're joking! The military-industrial complex,
People are so afraid of losing their jobs
They have to support a war-dependent economy.
When the state's in a mess, they get the job
Of sorting things out - and then they're rolling in it,
A snout in every trough. Well, things have changed.
We've got the trough. We've got the cash.

SENATOR
And what will you do with it?

LYSISTRATA
Look after it.

SENATOR
Look after money? Women?

LYSISTRATA
What's wrong with that ?
It's not like you can balance the budget.

SENATOR
That's irrelevant.

LYSISTRATA
Irrelevant?

SENATOR
This money is set aside for making war.

LYSISTRATA
We've abolished war.

SENATOR That's that, then. We're done for.

LYSISTRATA
Of course you aren't. We'll protect you.

SENATOR
You?

LYSISTRATA
Us.

SENATOR
Huh.

LYSISTRATA
You'll see.

SENATOR
It's ridiculous.

LYSISTRATA
It's common sense.

SENATOR
That's out of the question.

LYSISTRATA
You'll still be saved.

SENATOR
And if I won't?

LYSISTRATA
You will.

SENATOR
What business have women with war and peace?

LYSISTRATA
I'll explain.

SENATOR
I can hardly wait.

LYSISTRATA
Do stop clenching your fists. Do listen.

SENATOR
That does it!

WOMEN'S CHORUS
Back!

SENATOR
Who said that? Oh, you. Well, shut it.
Speak.

LYSISTRATA
All through this century, so far, there's been war after war,
And we've sat there quietly and let you get on with it.
Whether we agreed or not. Day after day after day,
Whatever you chose to do, we were loyal wives,
When you needed us in the war factories, we did that,
And when you said, enough, men need their jobs back,
We didn't say a word. You went out in the morning,
Sat with your men-friends in Congress,
Making Big Decisions (not Good, just Big) -
And when you came home and we smiled and said,
`Well darling any news of peace today?',
And you snarled and said, `What's that to you?
That's man-talk!' we left it alone, as good wives should.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
I didn't.

SENATOR
God dammit, then leave it now!

LYSISTRATA
Day after day after day. Whatever stupid news
C-Span showed from the Assembly. I did once ask,
`Is that entirely sensible?' - and he said, `
Back to your weaving, unless you want a - !
Leave war to those who understand it: men.'

SENATOR
Sound fellow.

LYSISTRATA
Sound? What a way to run a country!
Can't you hear them in the street? `It's bad.
We're running out of manpower.' Dear, oh dear.
The solution's obvious: woman power.
And there's no time to waste. That's why we're here.
It's your turn to listen, and ours to talk.
Peace just may be women's business after all.

SENATOR
I'm not having this.

LYSISTRATA
Of course you are.

SENATOR
Why should anyone listen to someone in a dress?

LYSISTRATA
Is that what it is? That's easy.
Here, put this on. And this hat.
Take this basket.
Now, roll up your sleeves,
Sit there, take this wool and these needles,
Get on with your knitting and don't interrupt.
Peace and war are feminine affairs.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
Put down your programs. It's our turn now.
It's time to take a stand and show them how.
Come leap, come sing, come dance.
Now, ladies! Seize your chance.
Don't yield, don't flinch,
Don't give an inch.
Be bold, be brash, be brave,
Mother Earth's planet save.
Bright victory dawns; her streamers streak the skies.
Up, daughters of the revolution! Rise!

LYSISTRATA
Marilyn Monroe, goddess of desire,
Aretha Franklin, queen of soul,
Breathe into our breasts and thighs
The dew of love, till our men strain ever upwards,
Till they call us Easers, Peace-makers,
Throughout all the world.

SENATOR
Peace-makers? How?

LYSISTRATA
By banning warfare, for a start.
The world market's no place to be flashing
For Sale signs for your Stealth Bombers.

KALONIKE
Amen to that.

LYSISTRATA
How do you do a demo,
Wipe out the whole audience in one shot?

SENATOR
Zero civilian casualties, that's our official policy.

LYSISTRATA
Zero civilian casualties? Let me count the zero's,
Hiroshima, Vietnam, Iraq.
And That's not counting your War On Drugs, and guns in the ghettos.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
They pay for gangsta life
All the while dreaming of paradise_

MYRRHINE
I don't know if city gangs count as civil.

KALONIKE
I happen to think what occurred in Waco was very uncivil.

SENATOR
And what about the international situation?
Islamic fundamentalism, state-sponsored terrorism.
How will you deal with that?

LYSISTRATA
Simplicity itself.

SENATOR Oh, do explain.

LYSISTRATA
To use the original ancient symbolism,
When a bundle of wool is a tangle,
We take it and tease it like this,
And like this, and like this, till it's sorted.
And that's just what we'll do with the war.
Meet with ambassadors from all over the world,
Disentangle and sort out the issues.

SENATOR
Wool? Tangle? You're out of your minds.
War's a serious business. L

YSISTRATA
I hadn't finished.

SENATOR
So sorry. Do go on.

LYSISTRATA
Even when it's untangled, it has to be washed.
In the same way, we'll see to the world.
We'll lay it out on the carding-frame,
Comb out the riff-raff, pick off the yes-men.
Then whoever's left over goes into the basket:
Citizens, visitors, strangers, tidy and neat.

SENATOR
Tidy and neat? Balls of wool?
I told you: women just can't get to grips with war.

LYSISTRATA
Can't get to grips? Two agonies are ours:
We bear your children, we wave goodbye when they march to die.

SENATOR
Don't mention dying.

LYSISTRATA
We're young, in the prime of life.
And what does war bring us? Empty beds.
Reinforcing the myth of the ever-disappearing single male.
In this society a woman's bloom is short, and when it fades,
No magician on Earth can conjure her a husband.

SENATOR
Don't men grow old?

LYSISTRATA
Of course they do. But it isn't quite the same
Sean Connery even when he's toothless, grey -
Will play the lover of some bulimic high school drop out.

SENATOR
But if a man can still get it up -

LYSISTRATA
You haven't heard a word I've said.
Ladies, he's dead. He's been dead for years -
To common sense. It's funeral time.
Box him in _

KALONIKE
Too scary for open casket _

MYRRHINE
Here's some make up.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
Imagine all the people,
Living life in peace, oo-oo-hoo.

SENATOR
STOP IT! Ill-treating a member of the US Senate!
I'm off. I'll go like this. I'll show my colleagues.
A dreadful warning. You've not heard the last of this.

LYSISTRATA
And neither have you. We're only halfway through.
We've wept for you and washed you.
If you come back tomorrow, we'll dance on your grave.

Exeunt.

(Back to top)

Go to scenes Four thru Seven

Go to main "Operation No Penetration" page

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