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From aftabeh to Mars
Behind the scenes of Iran's nuclear industry

September 16, 2003
The Iranian
 
The world is in a state of anguish as it to what the government of Iran is up to and how far it has progressed in testing its dreaded "Islamic Bomb".
 
The US government is adamant in the validly of its satellite imagery that in and around the city of Natanz, Iranian scientists have been busy processing weapon-grade enriched uranium which has no usage other than manufacturing an atomic bomb. Not a day passes without hearing of an imminent threat to the world from Iran's atomic ambitions.

I have reliable inside information about nuclear activities in Iran that prompted me to contact major news organizations. Journalistic ethics prevent me from disclosing my sources; however I am at liberty to expose what indeed is going on behind the scenes in Iran.
 
Since the dawn of theocracy in Iran, there has been rumors about attempts to gain access to enriched uranium. Iran's propaganda machine and military counter-intelligence units have made sure Western nations are kept fully informed of its apparent attempts, but the government officially denies the allegations. Sounds very Iranian doesn't it?
 
To start, let's take a look at the Islamic regime and ask, "What has the government built in its 24-year reign ?" The answer, as Julio my Mexican friend would say is, "Nada!" Of all the sciences in the world, the genius mullahs have been meticulously focused on self-cleaning, or "Ass-trohygiene". For centuries hundreds of books have been written on the art of potty training, which in Mesopotamian folk literature is known as bottom fishing. "Golaab-beh-rootoon".
 
While the rest of the world has taken giant leaps building advanced gadgets, from the can-opener to toilet tissue holders, Iran's mullahs shunned away from any involvement with engineering and collectively placed their focus on the theological details of tahaarat (an Arabic word for hygiene).
 
First I have to tax you with some background on the evolution of sciences in Iran. About 1400 years ago a man by the name of Abu Hemar Ebne Tarrar invented the first aftabeh (toilet pitcher). To this date, there are substantial arguments of Tarrar's national origin. While Iranians claim he was born in Iran, Mesopotamians argue that he was a native of that region and merely traveled to Iran.

Today Tarrar's very first aftabeh design is widely referred to as the Model-A. There are only two proto-types of this mind-boggling invention in exsitence; one is in the British Museum in London and the other in the Hermitage in Saint Petersburg, Russia. More than 17 million tourists visit both each year.

The one in the British Museum was smuggled out of Iran during the Qajar dynasty when they also lost the world's largest diamond -- Kooh-Nour -- to the British as partial settlement of the war of 1850. But Iranians don't care about their plundered diamond or loss of a third of their territory to the Russians. What they do want back is their beloved model-a aftabeh. Iran's claim is still pending a review at the International Court of Justice. But don't hold your breath.
 
The aftabeh has been such an amazing tool that despite the passage of fourteen centuries, no scientist has been able to make any major modifications to Tarrar's original creation. According to Marco Polo, who traveled Iran in1270 A.D., "the people of Iran were so advanced in self cleaning and powder room ethics that basically it created a lot of resentment among the backward Europeans of those days who were still using rocks and leaves to clean themselves."
 
According to Ibn Batootah (600 A.D.), Iranians made one promise to themselves, "never invent anything else again". They keep their aftabeh as their sole contribution to the world for generations to come. In fact according to the archives of the Iran-British Oil Consortium, which will most likely become declassified 750 years from now, there is a research article called "From Aftabeh to Mars". The author discusses the little known "Oath of Aftabeh", which is taken by members of the secretive free masonry in Iran, to facilitate a continuous brain-drain and prevent -- God forbid -- the possibility that some Iranian may inadvertently invent something beyond the aftabeh.

In unexpected ways, the aftabeh has clearly been instrumental in mankind's thrust into industrialization. First of all, centuries of advances have resulted in manufacturing of the Aftabeh-2003, which has all the same features as previous models but can dispense as much as one gallon of water per toilet sitting.

And according to inscriptions on a huge rock in front of city hall in the holy city of Qom, the aftabeh has always had other scientific usage. For example Mongol Ass-tronomers used it to measure the Moon's angle of deviation from the curvature of Earth at the line of horizon. By placing the aftabeh perpendicular to the ground they measured the curvature from the resulting shadow created at night under a full Moon.

Same inscriptions indicate that Arab Ass-trologists calculated the distance between Earth's two poles by pointing the aftabeh towards the east and line up the handle with the Northern Star and the long end of it with the Moon.
 
But the "Oath of Aftabeh" is still fully enforced in Iran and parts of Afghanistan. Anyone suspected of potentially inventing something differeent or practical is encouraged to leave the country and put his scientific mind to good use in the land of infidels. The remaining 65 million are in full submission.

There are an estimated two aftabehs per household in Iran. However this number reaches about five in Qom's seminaries and among religious families. Iran also holds the highest per capita ownership of aftabeh, followed by England which maintains an open door policy for mullahs and rich Arabs who do their banking and shopping there -- and occasionally visit topless bars. England's major imports from Iran continue to be cheap crude oil followed by aftabehs.

Now let's focus on the issue of nuclear energy and recent controversial discoveries. When we speak of nuclear energy we have to understand its Persian equivalent which is "Energy-ye Hasteh-ee". What this means is that Iran's charlatan rulers have completely manipulated world opinion and created the false fear that Iran may indeed be close to having an atomic bomb.
 
Relax! No such thing! Energy-ye Hasteh-ee is basically nothing more than Iran's centuries-old habit of saving fruit pits and seeds, or "hasteh" in Persian. For example they save apricot pits ("haste-ye zardaaloo") for the delicious nucleus that is very nutritious and gives you lots of "energy". And the same is true with peaches and other fruits that also have edible centers. In a nutshell, all these fruits have "Energy-ye Hasteh-ee".
 
One may ask what about satellite images that allegedly depict nuclear processing centers near Arak and Natanz, south of Tehran? Excellent question indeed! The answer is, if you magnify those images you will see they are nothing more than fruit-drying factories and "lavaashak" manufacturing plants. Basically Tehran's devilish rulers want to pretend that they are very close to enriching uranium.

What those images show are sheets of crushed plums or apricots spread flat and hung from ropes to dry in the sun. These sheets of lavaashak are sold as a delicacy. Now does anyone think the Pentium-4 chip in a satellite spy-cam can tell the difference between a nuclear facility and a lavaashak factory? Of course not!
 
Lavaashak in its pure form is the sole manifestation of Iran's Energy-ye Hasteh-ee. Seeds are taken out and the "enriched" fruits cooked in central towers fed by huge copper pots. Then they flatten the remaining thick paste until cold and solid and finally hang them from cloth lines for many days. When dry, they cut them into small sheets, wrap and send them off to market. Its sweet and sour taste is loved by all Iranians.

When you look at yards and yards of dark sheets hanging from ropes next to a building that has tall smoking chimneys, what does it remind you of? Well, it reminds Pentagon spy satellite analysts of Three-Mile Island nuclear plant. And that is precisely what the Islamic government wants: to get the same political leverage North Korea is enjoying today.
 
So America, sleep tight and don't worry! Iran has no atomic bomb and has not gained access to enriched uranium, since such technological advancements would violate the Oath of Aftabeh. But beware of the power of the aftabeh. If Americans want to contain Iran's Islamic regime, they must force them to sign the Aftabeh Non-Proliferation Treaty which has been adopted by all nations except Iran.

In the next article, I will focus on how Iran is secretly constructing a delivery system to send its first aftabeh to Mars in search of water.

Author's notes

1) The world's largest collection is owned by Queen Elizabeth II. The priceless items were gifted by Iran's ambassador to London during thanks-for-the-revolution ceremonies in 1979.
 
2) For those who have no idea what an aftabeh looks like, I found an image on the internet that shows how it's being used as a directional antenna for mobile and GPS communication. Also click here for aftabeh usage in the aviation industry.

Author

Farrokh A. Ashtiani is the founder of PersianParadise.com

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