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Opinion

Iran under siege
The issue is oil

February 3, 2005
iranian.com

In his State of Union address President Bush was quite transparent on his views about the regime in Iran and poked the ayatollahs in the eyes. For the tenth year in a row Iran's rulers stood to be the top supporters of terrorism in the world (that makes up for the lack of enough medals in the last Olympics). We hear a lot of noise these days about the imminent attack of the joint US-Israeli forces on Iran and destruction of suspected nuclear facilities. With the rate that everyone is talking about this issue it will end up to be a self-fulfilled prophesy.

For the regime in Iran the choices are clear and straight forward -- either Iran will give away more concessions and give the rest of the oil fields to those of the British Petroleum, Shell, Halliburton and Exxon Mobile and agree to give long-term drilling rights to the British and Americans in the Caspian Sea, or hell will break lose and they will attack some fictitious buildings in the name of nuclear facilities only to create chaos leading to a possible government change and then bringing to power their nemeses -- the Persian Cable -- TV owners of Washington DC!

You see, this happens every time someone else cleans your house: they misplace things. If theocracy ever leaves Iran and they put it on the ballot, I would vote to never again allow Ramadan or Moharram to fall on Farvardin and ruin our new year. That will satisfy my nationalistic urges for the time being.

I was pondering on the geopolitical consequences of such attacks and the degree of devastation of human lives because and as a result of atomic radiation that can go as far as Kuala Lumpur and all the way to Memphis, Tennessee, and the sad thoughts of how as the result of such radioactive spill even innocent Israelis may get their mammary glands infected and their children may end up drinking contaminated milk! Got milk? 

While carrying these dreadful thoughts, another thought jumped into my mercurial brain but totally unrelated. What is the real truth behind these on-line dating websites? You wonder what the hell is going on with me? Well, yes I admit my brain has this so called pre-matured Alzheimer activities and while I am focusing on something very important another subject pops in and takes over. So let's talk about these on-line dating sites before I go through another episode.

What is quite amusing and you only have to be a single to realize the intensity of it is the way people introduce themselves and the way they write their profile on these dating websites. First, they mostly list themselves as "spiritual" for their religion. Which is another way to say, I don't care about religion. Otherwise what does spiritual mean? Does it mean they communicate with spirits, or worship spirits? No, it basically means they don't go to church and do not eat kosher and they don't celebrate this imam's birthday and that imam's "death date" and are unattached and ready to be converted in exchange for a piece of love. But yes, they know how to use chopsticks.

Additionally, on those websites we have to deal with the issue of disclosure in truth and whether one smokes or drinks and indulges in social drugs. Why do they always ask these questions about smoking and drinking? How come they don't ask if one prefers using condom or if they use anti-perspirant or just deodorant or how often they take showers? When you read responses you will notice that most people say they don't smoke and that is good news and let's leave it at that.

But as for questions about drinking, that is what gets me. Some say that they drink as a "delicacy" others say they drink "socially", while quite a few say they drink with "dinner"! Baby you are an alcoholic and you just don't know it! What do you mean by "drinking socially?" Do you think the girl or the guy who smokes crack does it to be a hermit? No, she does it "socially" too. Or take another answer -drinking with "dinner" Oh yes I have been doing that in the past thirty years too and that is only because social obligations do not allow me drinking with breakfast and lunch as well.

That's when it will become hard to draw the line. For example, one is not necessarily in search of someone who responds to question of drinking as "never" as any Pakistani zealot would do but it also makes you wonder when they say, "drinking socially." I mean take a look at what happened to the former Soviet Union as the result of social drinking! Did you ever see him say, "Hello my name is Nikita Khrushchev and I am an alcoholic?" That just doesn't happen until after the honeymoon and one finds out that the newly found mate is a closet-chain-smoker or a "spiritual" ready to bust your nuts if you say that you don't give a damn about Dariush's songs.

Now, if these on-line websites were in Iran most likely they would have to add questions and possible answers that fit that society such as:

Do you Smoke opium? Socially, as a delicacy, occasionally

Indulge in hashish? Often, with dinner, in parties, after school only

Drinking methane alcohol (the one we used to use in cheragh zanboori)? Never, as a delicacy, in formal weddings only

Sniffing glue? Frequently, religiously, socially

Beat your ex-wife? Often, only when food was cold, sporadically

Smoking cigarettes? After each meal, six packs a day, chain-smoker, intravenous as a delicacy

Do you use vajebee? Occasionally, socially, as a means of political expression;

Do you go outdoors with your pajamas? Often, occasionally, for grocery shopping only

Do you believe in Seegheh at first sight? Yes, often, may be.

I mean I don't know, I am just an eternal pessimist in search of happiness and fairness and in the words of the late Johnny Carson "if life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." So please don't pay attention to what I say. My Utopia and Nirvana is the place that everyone posts on the dating websites pictures of themselves that are no more than 5 years old for god sake. I put a search for a 38 to 44 year old female and I get faces that are 30! Is that a miracle or is it because they did not have time to take a picture in the past ten years?

Leave a little for a surprise but don't shock me to death. And for some of those girls who list themselves as Muslim then what are all those semi-naked photos for? No wonder Fidel Castro was quoted in Keyhan of 1979, as saying "if we knew Islamic Revolution was so great we would have done exactly that and not a Communist Revolution." Which basically what he meant was that instead of sharing, we prefer to have polygamy as well.

And as for the attacks on Iran, do you remember Khomeini used to say, "Amrika hitch ghalatee nemeetavand bokonad", (America can not do a damn thing)? Well he was just kidding and that was just for domestic consumption, why were you so naive to believe him? While he was repeating those slogans they unleashed Iraq on Iran for ten years and now they can give the green light to Israel. As we say in Persian, "a yellow dog is coyote's brother."

If U.S. carries an attack on Iran, people will do to them what they did with the Greeks, Mongols, the Arabs and all the other invaders! No, they won't kill them. Iranians don't kill their invaders, instead they smile at them, invite them to their houses, feed them and win their hearts and assimilate them to the Iranian culture. Once they learn our ways and are fully addicted to Ghormeh sabzee and Fesenjune (which I insist to call it Pheasant June to make a better impression on those hot dates), eventually they will submit to our way of life which means to have at least 50 holidays per year in addition to work slow-down and tardiness and once they convert, we will then send them to the lands far away to spread the words. Who can prove that we are not the offspring of those Greeks and Arabs and Mongols here in the west spreading the words of gospel? Feeling like an Arian and being one is not the same.

It may take us a couple of centuries here and there to change them but no we don't kill innocent Americans who went to school with our children or us. And just because they could not afford better lifestyle and jobs they ended up joining the army. If they knew better they would never join the military. Have you seen a Senator or a Congressman's son fighting the enemy abroad lately? Neither the American soldiers nor the Iraqis or the Iranians none are barbaric, they are all trained to lose their humanity for a period of time when they face the enemy and they will do their job and what they are ordered to do. But Iranians are not killers and nor are the American people. But oil companies, well that is a different story.

To close the case, the issue is oil. Sign away concessions or else, and when a government is corrupt they always make the wrong choices. And as for people they always lose big, what I mean is take a look at the sad truth, Saddam is still alive and shaves everyday and reads books I would not be surprised that he has access to a Nintendo game or a backgammon too, and is allowed to think. But people of Iraq are dying and American soldiers are dying and all in the name of food for oil then and war for oil now.

If the British really want to have democracy in Iran, they better close their embassy and get the hell out of Iran as well. You will be amazed how things will change. Put Iran under economic sanction and do not advocate an invasion of Iran. We did not bring the Islamic regime to power, the British did and if they don't like them they are welcome to change them. Leave our innocent people alone.

By the way, if Iran is ever attacked, I tell you where is the safest building in Tehran, the National Oil Company Headquarter. That place will not get bombed, the British don't want any delay in the flow of oil. Same thing happened in Baghdad, they destroyed every government building and museums but kept the oil headquarter intact! You read it hear first.

Author
Farrokh A. Ashtiani is the founder of PersianParadise.com

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