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Diary

July 28, 2003
The Iranian

Part 21

5th of January, 2003
I haven't heard from Omid in 4 days. Something was telling me it's over. I really don't know why I have this weird habbit. Is it a girl thing or is it just me... Everytime I feel like a relationship is over I don't have the guts to make it definitive. Am I too attached? Do I have some hidden hope inside me unconsciously? What's the reason? Am I afraid of hurting that person too much? I know I'm not in love anymore. I care about him and I want to stay friends with Omid, but I don't know how to say it actually I dont even know if I want to say it. What if I did this and then I regreted it?

I decided to have a talk with Omid. Just to clear my mind and sort things out. I went online and ofcourse his name appeared in the online list. He had a created an even worse addiction to chat than Negin and I.

When I came online, Omid immidiatly messaged me.

"Awi salam kojaa boodi?"

"Like you care Omid, you could have called me."

"My line has been disconnected one way. I didn't have enough money to pay my bills last month, so they cut me off one way. Why didn't you call me?"

"Omid I don't know what to say, but I don't think it's going so well."

"What do you mean Awi?"

"Well I mean I just don't know if we have a future like this. You're sitting behind the chat 24/7 and I feel like Im over this. I don't feel like chatting at all."

"Awi, I know what you mean, I have decided to go to Iran in a month. See my mom, get far away from this chat."

"Aha, you do have enough money for a trip in a month to Iran, but you don't have money to pay your phone bills. Who did you call anyway to get such an huge bill that you couldn't afford? You didn't call me... remember Omid, you used to call me every day and we used to talk and now it's all weird between us. I felt like I can trust you; you always gave me this feeling that I could. But now, this girl answeres your phone, Nakisa is talking shit and you don't even answer back properly. Omid, I don't think it's working out this way, do you?"

"Awi, Bekhoda I have never betrayed you. I'm just having some trouble and you know engari zadam be sime akhar. But I love you, you're my Awis Mis and I wouldn't do anything to hurt you."

"Omid, if you mean it, come visit me instead of going to Iran. Come visit me if I'm that important to you. Then we can see how our feelings are towards each other and if it's worth our time to continue."

"I will try Awi. I will come to Holland before going to Iran."

After our conversation I got a bit confused. Did I love him or not? That's the difficulty of long distance relationships. My feeling wasn't that intense as before, so maybe I still loved him and I only need to see him risk those feelings which now are lost.

I went offline with mixed feelings. Had I done the right thing?

My phone rang distracting my thoughts. It was Negin. It was her last day in Sweden. She was really going to work in Iran for a couple of months. That was such a huge step.

"Awi, my mom cried again. Just like the time I was going to the US. You remember at the last minute I canceled my flight. My mom is so horrified of my sister and I getting hurt or just being away. But you know what Awi, I really need this."

"I know what you mean Negin, I really need to have a fresh start. I can start with my classes again in September, so I have to look around for a job now. To pay all the bills."

"Awi you should come to Iran. Bekhoda kheyli baahaal mishe..."

"Negin man ke az khodame, but right now I have too much things that need to be solved first. And most importantly I have to stop playing around. I haven't done anything in the past 6 months that I can say I have deserved a trip. I deserve to work so hard almost as if I'm punishing myself. I had all sorts of plans with my life and now I missed out 6 months!!!"

"Ok Awi, you're totally overreacting now. You should see this as an experience."

"I know you're right. It is an experience for me. But I also know I have to learn from it now and not run myself into another adventure."

"But you know Awi, you and I... we like adventure... you know... we like to explore and see just how far we can go. We're alike... I knew it the first time we met. We are both spontanious people. Just like me, you're always in for a plan. You follow your heart, like me. That's why we are connected like this. I have never had such a intense friendship with any one. It's totally new for me."

"I know what you mean Negin, in many ways we're alike. Like for instance I decide to go on a trip right now. I pack up and leave for the airport and if you were next to me, you would come along."

"That's exactly right Awi... I'm funny in that way."

"One thing has changed though... and that's the fact that I have to grow up now... and stop listening to my heart so often... and start listening to my brain for once. Maybe I wouldn't have made this many mistakes..."

After this talk with Negin, I suddenly felt much closer to her. And seeing my own thoughts written down, I got this extra power inside me which was just enough for my next move...

TO BE CONTINUED

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