Taylor Hicks? Taylor Hicks?! Are you Sh---ing me?
May 26, 2006
When the American Idol announcement was read by an ever increasingly annoying Ryan Seacrest, "Taylor Hicks!", I shook my head in disgust and disbelief.
If you are like me, the results of this season's idol were shocking to say the least, disturbing, dumbfounding, and just plain dumb, to say the most. If you are not like me, you've got better things to do than live out your childhood fantasies, but then you are pretty much alone. And I am sorry for that.
A record 60+ million votes were cast to pick this season's winner, more than voted in the general election that may have precipitated this continuing downward spiral of American culture, now that I think about it.
Taylor Hicks, not only reaffirmed just how stupid the NASCAR crowd are, but scarier than that, just how many of them are running around seemingly loose in the Southern region of the US.
And how do you get the moniker of "Soul Patrol" and attach it to Hicks? White folks cannot technically have "Soul", I mean everybody knows that right?
Other than a badly imitated Michael McDonald of the Doobie Brothers fame, and an occasional and totally accidental Otis Redding "Sittin' on the dock of the bay" grunt utterance here and there, I cannot fathom the choice over say, Chris Daugherty who proved that too much talent and intelligence is not a plus in the simpler minds of a prime time Fox audience.
Even "Chicken Little" Kevin Covais, would have been preferable to Hicks, although that would mean he too had to have beaten Chris, which is possibly even more bizarre.
Katherine Mcphee who I can see having a stellar career as "The Princess" in Disney's nightly Light Parade, was about as bland and robotic as a Stepford Wife on Prozac. Occasionally she would execute, (I can't call it singing if it sounds that perfect) and meet with Simon Cowell's uberstandard of perfection, proving that perfect is actually boring. Or as he would put it, "Bloody Awful!"
I predict that Katherine will cut a Christian goody two shoes album. Possibly a Christmas collection with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Keep your fingers crossed. God Bless. Can I get an Ahem? No? Just checking.
Taylor unfortunately has a huge career ahead of himself, if he can just avoid tripping over his shoelaces, because despite the price of gas, it is still high in the NASCAR summer season and they need a "Soulful" rendition of the Iraq-war-blood-splattered Star Spangled Banner to mask the whole dysfunctional feeling of going to a car race knowing you paid more for the gas to drive to the track, than it cost for the damn ticket, to numb your mind with Bud and watch the same cars go around, and around, and around,, and around... "Hey Vern, lookit all dem purdy colors!"
Then, after racing season, he has all those Fall 4H Club and Lincoln County Fairs they can line up for him. Good thing he is well suited to living in an RV trailer. Actually that can be his new name, Trailer Hicks. Some people have also been suggesting Vegas might be good for him, but I just can't see that. Don't you think Vegas is just too classy for Taylor, I mean Trailer?
And after all of those "dates" he can always go to LA where the Iranian pop music machine can put him in a Krap Koji music video next to Shohreh, and she can make him feel all uncomfortable inside, and even more uncertain of his sexuality. The only downside would be that if the video was ever broadcast via those sleazy satellite channels, and anyone in the Natanz metro area happened to see it, they would actually beg to be bombed.
But I would hope that even if there is Christian God, (Hell! Any God will do!) that Trailer's career would thankfully be over by then.