I turned away
Seeing your ex on the street
By Nikoo G
May 8, 2003
It is strange how life flies by you and in the turns of the moments
you catch yourself letting it go too. It feels like a never ending
adventure...an animated drama...Of course, if you don't want a great
adventure, you can just spend your whole life watching TV. As long
as you have a chair to sit in and a remote control to press, what
else could you require? Other, perhaps, than a life?
Trouble is, when we set out to get a life, we invariably get a
bit of tension to go with it. We find ourselves living out a soap-opera
instead of just watching one. But even soap-operas have bright and
happy story lines sometimes. So helloooooooooooooo... anyone
out there? Where's that script writer? I want to know how this ends!
Maybe I should buy one of those TV magazines that give you the low
down on sitcoms a week before each episode or something... that
way I am perhaps more prepared for the surprises that might take
Just when you think that a certain story has been told, and you
feel sure that you have heard it all, and you know every last detail,
and you accept that you cannot turn back time... bam! There it comes...
I paced myself into a state of calm as soon as my eyes cut the
site of him crossing the road with his hand around her waist...
I guess she was his height... long hair... kind of light brown....
didn't see her face until later... but he had the look of a winner
on his face... as if he was proving a point... I couldn't figure
out what it was though! We never saw eye to
eye... but at that moment I knew that he knew I was behind him and
it felt he was making a territorial move!
We come to earth with our eyes and hearts wide open. We arrive
with total trust and a willingness to be pleased. We expect every
experience to make us happy. We are genuinely surprised if it doesn't.
Then, somehow, from somewhere, cynicism creeps in. We start to
become jaded and world-weary. We learn to anticipate trouble. Trouble
though, is never polite. It comes whether it is anticipated or not.
And sometimes it seems to actively prefer visiting the places where
it is being prepared for. This enthusiasm and optimism surely served
me far more surprisingly than I ever expected!
Was I supposed to feel something? Is this where I should be upset...
or jealous or god knows what? I was surprised of how calm I was...
It has been two, almost two years... our last words to each other
face to face must
have been "I love you"... while our faces have been washed
by tears... but now I
stood there and watched him pass by...
It isn't like I felt nothing. I felt a rush of blood in my head.
But then it felt like everything went away... it was just that one
moment that I cast my eye on them and then when I turned away this
whole thing went away.. So I decided to stay away!
I guess it was just the feeling of being lonely at that stage;
I did need someone to tell me everything is going to be ok. Someone
to tell me that today is not the end... and perhaps I was more concerned
about the lack of that support.
I looked around and although there were plenty of people around
me it felt like no one was there... no one to do the right thing...
or say the right thing... or say anything... anything at all...
I guess what they say, "It's not what you do, it's the way
you do it" is not true. All too often, it absolutely IS what
you do. The way that you do it has nothing to do with it. Style
is irrelevant. Substance is everything.
I thought to myself why can't it all be over quickly? Why must
it trundle on and on? Why can't we hold a key conversation once
and then move into different territory? Why must there be repetition?
Is it because, just as children only learn their letters and numbers
by going over them, time and time again, so adults only seem to
learn essential emotional lessons through repeated exposure to the
same stimuli? Is this a test? What if I fail? And what if I pass?
Do I need to take a different class? Start all over again?
"Why" is an easy question to ask and a difficult one
to answer. Because we find it so hard to know why anything ever
happens, we become precious about our theories. We pour faith into
them and treat them as gospel. As we tend to feel affronted and
offended if they are ever challenged, we keep the company of people
whose prejudices mirror our own. If our explanations match, we figure,
we must be friends.
We try so hard to get it right. To win friends and to influence
people. To make choices we can be proud of. Sometimes we succeed.
Sometimes we don't. And sometimes, it all gets a little confusing.
We think we are winning but we turn out to be losing. We suspect
all is hopeless, then we suddenly see a hidden opportunity. We may
well have strong opinions about what's happening in life but can
we be sure that these are right? Certainly, if they relate to trying
too hard to do anything, they are probably wrong. Then again...how
can we be sure of anything!!!
In an insecure and unreasonable world, how can it possibly be rational
to be sure of anything? Certainty is just a shield to hide behind
-- a dummy to suck on.
I turned around and had another look. I watched them walk passed.
Lack of sleep creates confusion. So too does lack of love. We also
get cloudy minds when we are hungry, thirsty or short of time. We
can end up with a lot of things to watch for if we want to remain
fully on the ball. We must also remember that, when we are not thinking
straight, we rarely realise it. We kind of know that we are not
at full strength but we don't realise just how far gone we are.
So we end up making choices that contribute to our situation.
In my case I turned and walked away. Whether that was to make things
better I don't know, but I think at the time I made the right choice!
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