The many levels of Iranians in the UK
October 16, 2004
After reading Siamack Bianemiri's account ["The
bartender"] as an outcast 30-something
barman in Tehrangeles amongst the plastic Roonis, consisting of Sherries',
Bobby-Babaks, it rung a bell about the equally insane Irooni community we have
in the UK -- the land of warm
beer, unpredictable weather and unlimited cups of tea and Hugh Grant films.
You just have to walk
into an Iranian shop, party, boutique, hairdressers, surgery, etc., just
to have a taste of the
deevoonity we have to live with. I'm talking about Level 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6 Iranians in this
country. Oh, sorry, aren't you familiar with the 6 levels? Let me enlighten
Level-1 Iranians are the ones who
have either been born here or spent most of there lives in England,
speak with a perfect BBC
English accent, with an equally impressive command of Persian,
studying Medicine/Dentistry/History/Law in one of the top ten universities
in the country, yeah, King's College ROCKS!
They have a tough time
trying to teach their English friends how to pronounce Khashayar.
They go out with Level-1 Iranians and keep trying to
convert Level-4 Iranians into Level-1 Iranians and hate Level-5
They keep telling everyone about Iran's glorious past and how
they're going to join the military and return back to
their homeland. They went out with a Level-6 Iranian and have
regretted it since. And oh yeah, they hate Arabs.
Level-2 Iranians are the ones who were either
born in the UK or spent most of their lives here, speak English
with a Persian accent
and Persian with an English accent. Trust me, there is an army
of them. They go out with fellow Level 2, 3 and 4 Iranians and
believe that Level-5 Iranians exist.
They visit Iran every yearn. The guys boast how many girls they've
slept with, and the girls claim they're virgins. These Roonis
really messed up, nobody accepts them because they don't fit
anywhere. They tried talking to Level-6 Iranians, but stopped after
had a restraining order of 100 metres, when they were accused
by Level-6 Iranians of stalking them.
Level-3 Iranians are the ones who have been
here half there lives who speak English with a Persian accent and
but speak Persian
perfectly. They work in mobile telephone shops,
pizza joints or fried chicken restaurants, call themselves either
Sean (Shahin) or Bobby (Babak), have blond, ugly Polish girlfriends,
drive J Rej 318 BMW with M3 alloys, and live in posh Ealing.
hate Level-1 Iranians because they have no problem speaking English
and Persian properly, and love to show off to Level-4 and 5 Iranians.
They have absolutely no idea about current politics in Iran.
Level-4 Iranians are the ones who have been
born here or have spent most of there lives in England, speak very
but English with a BBC accent. They are currently working
for Rothchild's/JP Morgan, they stick with their archaic Persian
names, but use the European version; Darius/Cyrus/Xerxes etc.
live in upscale Kensington and hate their ex-girlfriend/boyfriend
who was a Level-1 Iranian. They went to Oxford or Cambridge and
get drunk talk about the social, political, economic, religious
aspects of the Iranian revolution.
Level-5 Iranians live in the middle of nowhere,
speak absolutely no Persian whatsoever, and are probably
half-Persian. They went to university in the middle
of nowhere (Northumbria) studied media.
When they come across another
Irooni, the first thing they say in their English-accented Persian, "Faasi
baladee? Pedrosag! HAHAHAH!! I can swear in Faasi!" How pathetic.
You probably don't even know where Iran is. You embarrass yourself
when you try to talk to your grandad on the phone: You give the
old man a heartattack when he realizes you can't speak a word
of Persian. What
the hell do you mean you don't like Kabob,
SHAME ON YOU!
The guys go out with Catherines and the girls go
out with Roberts. They hate Level 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 Iranians
and have never heard of Level-6.
Level-6 Iranians were born in
Iran but came here when they were 2, returned back to Iran when
they were 8,
came back to London when they were 10, went back to Iran when they
were 11, and came back to London when they were 16.
like Level-1 Iranians, however, have absolutely no idea who Pulp/Oasis/2-Pac
were, and you wonder how they can speak English with such a perfect
accent but pronounce the word "whore" like "wore".
They find many similarities with Level-1 Iranians but ironically
more English. These Roonis have the biggest identity
crisis out of all the levels.
Warning: Do not approach
a Level-6 unless wearing anti-radiation clothing and
holding a pepper spray. They are known to be paranoid-bi-polar-obsessive-borderline-personality-schzinophrenics.
DO NOT ask them out on dates.
DO NOT ask for their phone number. If approached try to look
calm, Level 6 Iranians can smell fear. Put on a fake French accent
and politely tell them that you have to see your doctor about your
halitosis problem, and quietly walk away. I am not joking around,
I actually made the mistake of going out with one of these.
There are more sub-catogries in each of these levels, but I really
can't be bothered to list them.