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Short list
Things that make us look bad

Abbas Soltani
March 4, 2005
iranian.com

As an Iranian, I'd like to be proud of my heritage and background. However, it is hard when so many idiots out there make us look so bad. No, I am not talking about our politicians. I am talking about everyday average Iranians like myself. Today, I've decided to make a difference and start to air a list of what is wrong with us. My aim is not to change the world. I only look to wake one sleeping mind. For now, I will discuss five topics and see how things go. The list is long but I'll start with these:

Iran
We are the children of the Achaemenid kings and queens. We have Persepolis and Pasargad. We had one of the biggest and most important empires of the ancient world. We feel that everyone should know about our history, climate, capital, flag, language and etc. Anyone who doesn't know it snows in Tehran is an ignorant fool. Who could also think that Iran is all desert? Also, we are not Arabs and feel that everyone should know that we are neither Arabs nor speak Arabic. Everyone must also be able to find Iran on a map.

Give me a break! How many of you can find every other country on the map? Do you know the capital of every other country? Is Ethiopia a green country or desert-like? Does it snow in Morocco? The Achaemenid kings were neither the first dynasty nor the last. Persia was neither the first empire nor the last. Persia was just an empire, like so many others that ruled much of the known world and then became part of history. China, Egypt, Jordan, Lebanon, Greece, Italy, Mexico, Sudan, Libya, Cambodia, and etc all have historical sites that are at the very least, just as impressive as what we have in Iran. Be proud of being an Iranian and your history, but don't expect everyone to bow to you.

Lastly, if someone thinks you're an Arab, correct them. But don't act as if they just insulted your mama.

Men
As Iranian men, we are open-minded when it comes to pre-marital dating. We feel that men and women should be free to date and have sex. This all changes when we decide to marry. At that time, we become as closed-minded as one can be. We only want to suddenly marry the gorgeous, naïve, shy and virgin girl from Iran. The good girls living outside of Iran are not really good.

Get over yourselves. If you meet a girl and she is good to you, then she is marriage material. It shouldn't make a difference if she has had sex with you or anyone else. Also, the virgin girls in Iran are no different from the ones living in Los Angeles, London or Toronto. Good is good, PERIOD. Lastly, keep in mind that if a girl is to screw you over, virginity, size of breasts, IQ or living location won't make a bit of difference.

Women
Iranian women are always looking for the right man. We say that the 'right one' is the one who treats us with respect and shows us absolute loyalty and love. In reality though, the right-one must drive a car that is worth a second look. Titles are very important. Doctors, professors and scientists get top priority. Engineers are good as well but as long as the specific degree impresses our families and relatives.

Virginity is the Holy Grail everyone is after. If an Iranian man says 'hello' it has nothing to do with being courteous; he really wants your virginity.

Get over yourselves. Not every guy is after sex. Some actually mean hello when they say hello. Also, be honest with yourselves and the rest of humanity. If you're after the guy with the Benz and mansion, just say so. Don't tell everyone you're after true love and don't care if your husband is a taxi driver, as long as he's decent.

Iranian businesses
We feel that the Iranian clientele owe us a big thank you for opening a business. They should feel proud that a new Persian sign has gone up in Westwood or Yonge Street. We don't like paying taxes but don't see a problem charging our customers the same tax we plan on pocketing.

When food products go past the expiry date, instead of discarding it, we put a SALE sign on it and sell it to our customers. Non-Iranian restaurants keep a clean appearance while the kitchen is dirty. But we are consistent in being filthy in the front, and back kitchen.

You suck! If you don't plan on passing the retail tax to the government then at least, for God's sake, don't charge me for it. You should also realize that expired food affects my body the same as your American and Canadian customers. We'll trade a single honest Iranian business with 1,000 dishonest ones. Lastly, don't expect us to thank you for opening a business. Instead, thank us for our patronage and the money we are spending.

Racism
We are racist. We act as if God created the Persian race and broken the mold. When we can, either verbally or actually doing it, we discriminate against other races and people. We think we are better than everyone else. At the same time, we always claim to be victims of racism. If we don't get what we're after, it's because of racism.

Listen up! Treat others as you would like to be treated. If you hate the Blacks, Arabs, Jews, Bahais, Afghans, or Indians, then you do deserve to have your ass kicked by skinheads. Also, if you don't get the job you want or your loan application gets rejected, it's not because you were discriminated against. It most likely means you didn't qualify or didn't have good credit.

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