Is no sex better than bad sex? I think so.
December 20, 2006
The timing of this writing is ironic beyond belief. I am in the middle of a big sex drought, as the last fuck I had was over two weeks ago and he was terrible. He is tall, handsome, smart, and well-traveled... but his dick isn't straight, it's not nearly as big as one would think, and when he drinks, which is always, he can't get hard, no matter what my tongue does. We've only done it twice and I think twice is enough. He had the nerve to come in my mouth the first time and I spit it out on his floor, so angry at him. Halfway through fucking me the second time we hooked up, he asked me, "Are you okay? You don't look happy." Perhaps it was because in my mind I was making a list of errands I needed to run and reminding myself to text several friends. "I'm fine," I replied, but my disappointment was palpable. His dick just wasn't good enough, and I couldn't believe that he was twice my age and so bad at sex. And he was sober that time. And to add insult to injury, I don't think he wants to see me again as I made it so clear that he sucks. My face isn't good at lying.
Is no sex better than bad sex? I think so. At least I know how to get myself off - where my clitoris is, what to do with it, and what to think about. I like to be held after sex, I like to trace a man's face with my fingertips, kissing, limbs entwined, and you can't get that with a guy who doesn't know the difference between his dick and his asshole. Nor do I want that with a guy like that. It's fuck-and-run all the way when it sucks, so there's no need to say things like, "That was great." Why do we tell lies like this to men? I don't like it.
It's high time I met a girl, I think. One that looks like me, with big eyes, nice tits, long legs. I'm not a model but I'm not hard to look at. But how is bi-curiosity done? Girls are naturally more affectionate, friendlier, so it's hard to tell what a touch or a glance means. With men, it's easy, with women, not so much. I suppose there's always the Internet but that makes me feel very uncomfortable. (I realize the how ridiculous that statement sounds, considering the circumstances. To each his own.)
I'm going out tonight and I know there will be a specific guy there I could hook up with. Let's call him Mark. I don't want to sleep with Mark, as he's a terrible dancer and that doesn't translate well in the sack. But having his tongue in my mouth might be a good antidote to this sexlessness.
Things are complicated. I still love someone, and part of me knows all this is just a distraction - running from a situation that was too big for me. I'd trade all these guys for him. Comment