Royal openings
Join the court of Asghar Shah
By Asghar Agha
March 14, 2001
The Iranian
As part of the activites of Our newly formed Empire of Eye-Ran, Tajikistan
and Uzbekistan, maa eraadeh kardeem and We are sending out the following
farmaan to all of our subjects.
We have the following job openings. Forward your resume and we shall
mansoob you, should you be deemed worthy of service to Us. (Remember: khodaa,
shaah, mihan - so We are next in line to khodaa.) Qualified applicants
only. No telephone calls. We are trying to be an equal-opportunity, affirmative-action
employer.
This is Our first time trying to form an empire. If We make some kharaab-kaari
here and there, give Us a break. What's a few million people and a couple
of billion dollars among friends? maa Asghar Shaah, Shaah-e Shaahaan, are
trying to learn on the job - unfortunately We was born zireh botteh and
not in the court of royalty.
nedaayeh gheyb: Get a life insurance policy Asghar AghA. momkeneh
hamin emrooz fardaa terror beshi mardikeh - baskeh dar kaareh digaraan
foozooli mikoni!
Wanted
Position: Malekeh
Description: Queen Latifa might be a good fit but she talks too much.
We need a malekeh keh har chi begam begeh "chashm" (beh jaaneh
ammeh hendooneh ghasam this is an impossible feat with khaanoomaa-ye irooni
:-)
Position: Raeeseh darbaar
Description: digeh description nadaareh. har cheh maa gofteem va eraadeh
kardeem eeshoon baayaad begooyand "baleh ghorbaan! saheeh ast! albatteh!"
Position: Ma'shugheh
Description: shhh! beh malakeh chizi nagin-haa! yeh khoobesho biyaarin,
sefid mefid, topol mopol, hoolooyeh poost kandeh!
Position: Ashpaz-baashi
Description: hameh chiz baayad bepazeh. Tiraamisoo, Big Mac, egz-benedikt
va az een chizaa. faqat roodel behemoon nadeh. vagarnah daaresh meezaneem.
Position: Noojoom-baashi
Description: I need my horoscope every day and night. If Nassereddin
Shah had listened to his noojoom-baashi, Mirza-Reza Kermani would not have
nailed him va in hammeh shaazdeh yateem nemishodan. How do I know? Khodam
tooyeh filmeh soltaaneh saahab-gharaan didam.
Position: Vazir-e Aval
Description: See raeeseh darbaar .
Position: Vazir-e Doyyom
Description: See Vazir-e Aval.
Position: Vazir-e Seyyom
Description: see Vazir-e Doyyom.
Position: Gholaam
Description: Must have a nice large halgheh beh goosh. Also see Vazir-e
Seyyom.
Position: Nokar
Description: See Vazir-e Aval.
Position: Jaarchi
Description: Must announce everytime I have an eraadeh yaa efaadeh.
Must be good at issuing press releases and cherto-pert neveshtan va maast-maali
kardan. HTML authoring capability preferred.
Position: Khazaanehdaar
Description: Collects taxes. Collects bribes. Takes people's daar-o-nadaar,
gives them to me and my siblings so we can do as we please. See Vazir-e
Aval for further detail.
Position: Hakim-baashi
Description: mareez shodim behemoon gol-gaav zaboon tajveez mikoneh.
Proctologists need not apply.
Position: Malijak
Description: See Gholaam. faghat vaghti az dasteh malekeh yaa ma'shougheh
khasteh shodeem eraadeh mikonim va bar sareh malijak dastee mikeshim!
Position: Motreb
Description: hey bezaneh va bekhooneh keh hoseleyeh ghebleyeh aalam
(ya'ni maa) sar nareh!
Position: Raqaasseh
Description: khoob gher bedeh keh ghebleyeh aalam khosheshoon biyaad.
Position: Sha'ban Bimokh
Description: bereh har kasi ro keh foozooli kard heesaabi moshtomaal
bedeh.
Position: Morabbi-ye Eski
Description: Wakes me up from the couch and takes me up the mountain.
agar oftaadeem khodesho beh jaayeh doshak bendaazeh zamin keh maa-tahteh
homayooni dard nagireh.
Position: Haramsaraa
Description: To manage all my wives and concubines. If Nssereddin Shah
had one, so should I. hamooni keh oon daasht maa ham daareem.
Position: Mas'ooleh maashin-e joojeh-keshi
Description: maa agheedeh beh protection nadaareem va nemisheh folaaneh
ghebleyeh aalam ro tooyeh nylon-mylon peecheed.
vass-salam,
esfand maah-e 2560 shaahan-shaahi
Asghar Shah
(mohr-o emzaa)
