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Truth shall triumph
Notice of Resignation from Three Kings of Orient

By Fatema Soudavar Farmanfarmaian
December 18, 2002
The Iranian

We Three Kings of Orient, Zoroastrian Magi of yonder and yore, hereby notify all good Christians that we will not participate in the celebrations of the coming Christmas in the United States, due to circumstances beyond the powers that, in the olden days, were bequeathed to our race.

We beg for forgiveness for this inconvenience, but the most noble scribes of US Immigration have sent word out to us that those who, like us, were born in Iran or happen to be of Iranian descent or extraction, are deemed a threat to their land, and they therefore see fit to rescind our visas. This has caused us to think and reconsider much more.

Should we apologize for all else that has crept from our faith into that of the Jews and from there, to that of the rest, and that goes for Christians and Moslems, including our Moslems of Iran. For whatever transgressed from our faith must have done so insidiously, unbeknownst to ourselves, though whether the intent was subversive or not, it must be decided by the choice officers of Great Intelligence who have such experience in saving your great land from external assault.

Thus, we apologize in this Holy Season for having given you notions of Salvation, of a Resurrection, of the Day of Judgment and concomitantly, of Paradise and of Hell, of Angels, Archangels, and of course, Messiah, all of which, we must hope, will not taint your good faith so adversely that they will too suffer expulsion at the hands of the those most worthy scribes.

But Satan they can keep, and indeed, we express our deepest gratitude for your having usurped the principle of evil, Ahriman, who showers the work of creation with counter creations that wreak havoc on earth. Even though our Prophet, Zoroaster, has said that Ahriman will end up a loser at the end, we fully sympathize that Satan-Ahriman should not be welcome there. We have a suggestion: send him to Hollywood where he will find a role made to measure.

For the rest, we do not understand why the scribes of your land treat us so. If we traveled afar to revere the Infant, it was only because of Zoroaster's promise that a Messiah would come (we call him Saoshyant, but you can say Bob or Tom, if it's easier for you), and this Savior would cleanse the whole world of its sins, so that bliss may then bless all the virtuous ones who had followed the path of Ahura Mazda, God of Light and Wisdom, whom Zoroaster worshipped.

Verily, verily, we had waited at least for some two thousand years, and were beginning to show some impatience with this much-awaited promise, when, lo and behold, a Star arose in the sky above and beckoned to where a Messiah was born. Now the world of creation would be cleansed of the Lie (that's the foremost symbol of evil and of sin) and all the attendant evils that Ahriman had brought forth to the work of the good creations of Ahura Mazda.

Should such allegations seem subversive to some, or potentially fraught with danger or harm (which is why we did not get our visas, we think), we will not interfere if you so choose to purge your beliefs and your feasts of other intrusions from our most sacred faith, though we put you on guard that once that is done, the laundering may leave precious little behind.

Thus we show that we are verily of good thought, of good word and good deed, that, in keeping with what Zoroaster proclaimed, our existence has been devoted with much zeal to the cosmic battle against manifestations of evil and sin. In this very spirit, we pledge to you now that we shall do our best to cooperate with your mission of cleansing your country of our race, so that nothing remains of Iranianness.

As a final measure to ensure against risk from heretics like us, we suggest that your King submit a bill of law to the Noble Elect of your House of Senate, asking them for a change in the date once chosen by Fathers of the Church of Nativity. It is well known by now, that, as pragmatic priests, they decided to opt for the popular feast of the winter solstice, the birthday of Mithra, our Sun God and model for Savior before the time of Zoroaster, of whom they, however, knew not that he moved south for well-earned vacations during dark and cold days which were celebrated as his coming rebirth.

Once again, this was done without our knowledge. Had they had the good sense to consult us, of course, we could have helped, since we knew when the Infant was born, having traveled afar to attend the event. After two thousand years our astrological charts have suffered the blows of the passage of time, and our memory is not what it was in our youth. Which may also be why our visas expired.

Should the choice of a date of replacement be fraught with the thorns that are strewn on the path of most laws, we suggest that your King and Elect perhaps ask their good Wahhabite friends in Arabia Felix to provide them duly with an alternative day from their own calendar. It is lunar, of course, but not alien to Jews nor Christians, who calculate their Passover and Easter by its means.

But a word of caution may be due at this point: We cannot guarantee that, with us resigning, the demons, disguised as Qaeda, will not act in our name and abuse the reputation we gained from a King not well-known for being endowed with the virtues to rule, even less rule the world, nor can we accept to be punished for deeds perpetrated by them. But there is such a thing as justice, if not in this world, in the next.

Through the good agency of Ahura Mazda, Lord of Wisdom and Light, the virtuous shall gain their place in Heaven and the sinners be banned to the torments of Hell. For such was the wisdom of our Zoroaster that he so designed the Day of Judgment as to purge His creation of the bane of the Lie. That is when each of us will account for his deeds, and the sinners will go through the scorching ordeal of molten metal which will flow from the core of the earth, while the same will just feel like sweet milk (pasteurized, sterilized and free of bacteria) to the virtuous ones. Or in simpler terms, we shall know who is who, who did what, and to whom. Then the Truth shall triumph, and since the world of Light is the abode of the Truth,, then the Light will be yours, oh ye Virtuous ones unless pipelines are bombed.

In good faith, we would like to counsel your King , since it seems that he has an aversion to Writs of the Wise and Learned of his vast Dominions, that if he finds it too hard to understand the above, it might do him some good to consult with Wise ones whom the Lord God hath graced with a fine intellect and who put it to use to show that, indeed, far from clash, there has been dialogue all along between races and creeds since before history had begun, let alone come to a crashing end.

To this end, we suggest Professor Mary Boyce of the shores of Albion and Professor Shaked of the House of Learning, in a place not too far from the benighted place where Jesus Christ was born. Should your King prove to be as averse to the minds of the lofty and wise as he is to their writs, which is likely, we think, he and all his Elect can consult the Friedmanns and the Pfaffs and Hoaglands and other Distinguished and Merry Gentlemen of the Most Holy See of the World Government, and seek enlightenment through their daily doses of counsel as proffered through their Writs of the Times and the Washington Post, for the Lord, whom we know works in mysterious ways, hath bestowed upon them exclusive use of ink and of scrolls, to guide one and all on the righteous path.

May they be shown the Light, may the oil that ignites the abode of the Truth, never cease to provide its bounty and light - though metal in the core of the earth might then melt much faster than thought. May Light illuminate unmerry Gentlemen who, day in and day out, warn of Apocalypse with a mien so 'ashen' that it veers too often towards the Ashcroftian, and thus show them the way to the Joy of Christmas, just as once, long ago, far away, we ourselves were guided by the Star to the crib that sent forth the Holy Messiah.

It remains for us three to wish that your Christmas, no longer bedeviled by evil intrusions, may bring ye happiness. May your prosperous land rise above the torment visited upon it by the devious men of the Money Temple of unholy Wall Street and their Pharisean helper who likewise bears a name that smacks of Iranian extraction, for Alans were indeed an Iranian tribe who roamed far and roamed wide across Eurasian lands at the time Christ was born, which might also explain why he has so conspired to unleash such mayhem on your economy.

May your silver dollar recover from treason and bless you with leisure, so that there will be time to spare thoughts for the meek who, wretched as they are, await deliverance thanks to intervention by your Great King of Kings. All of ye Gentlemen and ye Gentlewomen, may nothing ye dismay, no axis, no evil, be they of your making. Make merry while it lasts. (Or should that read 'make money'?).

P.S.: To give satisfaction to the powerful Tribe known as the Feminists, and to beg forgiveness that Three Kings, not Three Queens, were chosen in those days of patriarchal power, we would like to make good by choosing a female of our race to diffuse our important message. Though she bears a name of Arabic Islamic origin, she is of Iranian extraction, and does not represent the mullas who have been sullying our good name with their harsh penalties for the bravest and best of our valiant youth. Molten metal will tell.


Fatema Soudavar Farmanfarmaian was born in Tehran in 1940 and studied in Iran and Switzerland. In Iran she was on the committe of a number of organizations, including the Museum of Modern Art and the Women's University. She also did volunteer work for the Deparment of the Environment, where she planned education for schools and TV on environmental subjects. Since the Revolution she has been focusing on research and writing. Her latest appeared in The Journal of the Society for Iranian Studies (Summer/Fall 2000) called "Haft Qalam Arayish: Cosmetics int he Iranian World".

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