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Omberian visa requirements
Do you qualify?

By Mehdi Nasrin
July 10, 2002
The Iranian

The other day I went to obtain an Omberian visa. The guard was nice and gently asked me to go on a scale. He was a bout to measure my weight.

"Why do you want to know my weight?" I asked.

"Two weeks ago in an anti-globalization demonstration in Albania a guy gave Mr. President some names," he replied.

"I have never been in Albania"

"I know you are not him. We arrested the guy. He was 89 kilograms. From then the Senate has passed a law that no one with that weight can gain an Omberian visa."

"I see."

"You barely survived. Go on a diet if you are coming to our embassy soon again.{}

He wrote down my weight, gave me a reference number and guided me to another section.

"I need your height," the girl at the desk asked.

"179 centimeters. Why?"

"I have to check it"

She started measuring my height.

"But why?"

"Three mounts ago in Jordan someone drove over the Omberian ambassador's cat and ran away," she said while measuring my height.

"I have never been in Jordan."

"I know you are not the driver. We caught her. She was 177 tall."

She wrote down something and gave me another reference number.

"You barely survived," she said. "From that date the senate has passed a law that no one with that height can come to Omberia as a tourist."

She guided me to another section. An old lady asked me to take off my pants.

"What!?" I shouted.

"I have to check that you do not have any tattoos on your ass!"


"The senate has passed a law that those who have tattoos on their ass can only enter our country as immigrants, not as tourists, after a humiliating article was published on the net titled "The relation between tattoos on the asses and the assholes in the government."

She checked it. I passed.

Someone gave me a form on visa requirements. The following people cannot enter Omberia

* Those whose uncles read "People" magazine frequently
* Those whose number of gray hair is a prime number
* Those who think that Omberia should be written like Umberia
* Those who really love hockey, i.e. hockey-lovers
* Those who have already committed suicide bombings

I told the officer that I have all the requirements.

"Passport, please."

I gave him my passport.

He gave it back to me "Unfortunately, we cannot give you a visa."

"But why?"

"Last year, 20 guys from Saudi Arabia, Egypt an Yemen set an illegal fire in the woods."

"What the heck has that got to do with me?"

"The Senate has prohibited Iranians from coming to Omberia."

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