Five-minute break, please?
After 18 years of life
By Negin Shadaram
April 16, 2003
I think that I have been waking up on the wrong side of the bed
lately. I have not been myself and I can't figure out why?
Sure it maybe because I am in the stage of my life where everything
is so confusing. Nevertheless, I can't seem to wake up on the right
side! I'm sure many of you are thinking where I'm going with this
but just keep reading...
I am 18, and about to finish off high school and start a new stage
of my life, a period of making critically important lifetime decisions,
to which at this moment I am not looking forward to. Seems
like everyone around me is looking forward to this new life but,
I am for sure not wanting to finish my senior year.
Just yesterday I realized something. I may have just wasted 18
years of my life. Ok perhaps not 18 years... I'm sure there
are some things I've done that I can say weren't a waste except,
for the majority I haven't really accomplished much. Unless, you
consider surviving life an accomplishment. So if you do, I guess
maybe I have done something right.
Throughout the 18 years of my life I've learned three things that
I think were key for survival:
Number one... FAMILY!
In my little world I have a small family. I know... I know...
I'm Iranian and we Iranians have A LOT of family. However, what's
family when you never see them, hear from them or ever meet them?
I got three great cousins I could never live without. I have wonderful
grandparents that I would give anything to spend more time with
and my aunt who is an amazing woman I truly look up to. And certainly
my MOM! The best way to describe her and not talk your head of,
is with just four simple words ... she is my hero.
So there you have it. It's as simple as that. Now mind you I'm
perfectly happy with my family. It's not as big as I would have
liked it to be. But at least I have them in my life. My family is
what keeps me going and what makes me…well… ME!
Number two: Friends
Let's just say it took me my whole life to figure out you can't
trust anyone in this world. As well as it took me my whole life
to figure out you can't live without them either. So where does
this leave me? Very confused! Nevertheless, I lost a few friends
and managed to hang onto a couple. I like to think that friends
come and go, you learn something and you move on.
Number three: Love
Now this isn't your average love here. The love of my life at
the age of 18 would be a boy obviously. I met him in 8th grade and
as soon as we met we knew we were meant for each other. Mind you
I don't really know if I believe in soulmates, but I like to think
that he is in my life for a reason.
Of course 5 years later and after a million fights we are still
in love but very confused. Especially the fact that college is coming
and basically our lives are not going to be the same. This is scary
and so hard to deal with.
So I'm sure you are still wondering why I brought up the whole
"waking up on the wrong side of the bed." Well, here is
it. I got a wonderful family that I am afraid that I will disappoint.
I'm scared that I might not be able to handle what life has ahead
for me. And my family like I said before is number one in my life.
Dealing with my friends has also been an issue the past couple
of days. You think you know someone but all of the sudden they become
someone else that you didn't know they could be or maybe were too
blind to see it. What I'm saying here is that people change so quickly
and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. And the few close friends
I have now, I don't want to say good-bye in a couple of months.
I'm not sure if I really want to start again and meet new people.
Don't get me wrong, I love meeting new people. It's just that after
18 years I need a break and just keep the ones I have now!
And last but not least I am not ready to see what will happen to,
let's call him, "soulmate." I know there are boundaries
in life that you have to go through but, when will it just give
you a five-minute brake? I want to keep my family proud and happy.
I want to keep my friends and know they will always be there and
I want to be with the love of my life. I think if I can be with
him from childhood to now... I think that I might just be able to
make those 5 years into 15 or even more.
I would have been more detailed about everything but I just wanted
to get to the point of all of this. I just want to know when life
will you give you a five-minute brake and take all the pressure
away. As you can tell I really did not talk about school in my story.
It's not my favorite subject. So will leave it at that.
I want to end my letter by saying what my fortune cookie said
to me tonight "Nothing in the world is accomplished without
passion." Maybe that's the answer I have been looking for this
past couple of days. Although, my question is , What if you don't
have the passion anymore because you're scared?
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