I gave him my love,
I can afford
February 23, 2004
I took his picture and folded his body in half and placed him in
the back pocket
of my blue jeans. It's been a year and several months since we've
spoken to each other. He decided it was best to pay a visit back to his homeland,
and we somehow lost touch after several months. I missed him very much although
the split was somehow weighed in his favor.
I decided to write an inquiring letter
after what was almost two years. I didn't mean for our relationship to
end on such an abrupt note. I wasn't sure if he would respond, or write
me back proclaiming his engagement to an Iranian woman! I feared this institution.
I knew that if he were to settle in back home I would never see him again,
and finally the dream would end.
Instead he replied with a comforting "not much
is new, how are you?" and after a few e-mails we soon found ourselves
chatting over the phone. Everything was back to normal. We just picked up
we left off. Time seemed to have stood still those past eighteen months.
I am boarding the plane again to see my long lost love turned friend? Those
past detoxifying months seemed to be the longest haul I had ever endured.
from my experience like any recovering drug addict or alcoholic, after
a long drawn out sobriety period, never to venture down those roads
this time I felt there should be no expectations, no long gazes into
his eyes, no late night conversations turned early morning cuddling
sunrise. I was going purely to catch up with some old friends, take a
vacation away from the sweltering Florida heat, and leave my heart
at home, tucked
away and out of sight, sure that he would never find it again.
These lines at airports, the crowds, the lost friends
alas together in a strong embrace, and family members shedding
tears at the sight of each
face. I can see the anticipation building in the eyes of the lonely
I've concluded that airport scenes are filled with
such an intense charge of emotions seemingly flying from every
account that I was now observing through an objective eye, while simultaneously
a replica of the Great Wall of China around my heart, that would soon
be cemented into place before I saw his face.
As I boarded the empty
I found my
seat and stowed my bag overhead. I sat patiently in place as the
wheels turned and
the plane gained momentum, soon I would close my eyes and let the
intense perpetual speed of the craft take over me, and send my
in 5, 4, 3, 2, ... 1.
I remember this sudden feeling of weightlessness
intensified the excitement I felt before seeing Mr. Wonderful!
I wondered how he
Will he look different? Will he wear cloths I've never seen, or have
hair? I wondered if he'd gained weight, or grown a beard.
I could consider more intruding thoughts I got comfortable in my
noticed I had the whole row of seats to myself. The few passengers
quiet and far away. The sun was fading into the clouds below us,
soon I would
have several quiet hours to ponder on what might become of this trip
to Los Angeles.
The plane was descending into the Los Angeles area. "So
soon, wow, I must have fallen asleep" , I thought. Peering
out the tiny window, I became fixated on the vibrant and endless
lights that twinkled below and sent dramatic charges
through me! I imagined what the flight attendant would think if
I jumped out of my seat and screamed! Instead I just sat there
resisting my urges with my
eyes glued to the dazzling view from above.
We came in for a landing.
The wheels extended out, and my heart jumped a few beats as the
heavy craft bounced from
the earth. We pulled up to the gate, I leaped from my seat, grabbed
my small suitcase from overhead, and rushed off the plane faster
than a gravy train on
biscuit wheels! I made my way to baggage claim to attain the more
reasonable sized pieces I would need for the trip, and waited,
bags aside, outside the terminal.
I took in the first view of the city from the ground
that struck me as emotionally familiar. This was always the first
alone, the time I took to think
about would happen on this trip, and if our relationship would
progress into anything further than the usual back and fourth. "Perhaps
was the familiar thought that accompanied the sight of this crowded
and transit place.
Just moments later I felt his presence behind
me. I turned to secure my
intuition, and there stood a little dark man with ruby colored
lips and hopelessly beautiful eyes taking in his view of me. The
first few moments of the reunion
were just smiles and looks, no words, and then he quietly parted
his lips to say "hello", followed by the usual "long
time no see".
moved in closer, and we gently kissed each others cheeks that fell
into a deep hug, suddenly the illusion of a great past sunk into
my skin. The wool began
to close in around my eyes and his obvious inflictions of love,
like the weightlessness of airplanes, swept me off my feet. Soon
I would be waking and wrapped in his
embrace to rays of light dancing on my face.
I woke up the next day
beside him. I turned to see his eyes closed and his face still
and glowing. He had my limbs
entwined in his pulling me into his dreams as he lie there sleeping.
A soft blue haze bounced from his lids and kindle a metaphor "my
eyes of ocean blue seem to cover you".
I was already back
in love. I turned to slip away, but his grip grew tighter, as if
not to let me get away this time, or ever. So, there
I lie paralyzed as love began to eat away at my heart. And just
when I thought I couldn't become more overpowered was when he whispered "I
want to marry you, Miss Boyelyn."
Speechless as any shy southern girl would have been,
I sank into myself. I felt my back heavy against the cushion beneath
felt like I
was finally free.
That I held on for so long for one driving reason, I knew we were
a match. I knew that we were meant to be together, it was almost
sent. I felt
first day we met, and now he has finally come around. A weight
had been lifted and my heart no longer soaring can be put to rest.
man and now
we were going to be married.
I wanted to squeeze him. I wanted
to hold him so tight
and never let go and tell him I loved him, but I couldn't bring
my arms over my head. They were too heavy, my lids grew heavy too
would close. I just wanted to enjoy this freedom just for a moment,
just as long
as it lasted if not forever, this is what it felt to be in love
and to be alive. I exhaled and my body became light.
I opened my
in a strange dark place. I felt refreshed, but scattered. I made
my way to
a tiny window and a chime rang "We are now making our initial descent into
the Los Angeles area", called a flight attendant. "Oh...Well....It
was all just a dream" I said quietly.
As I glanced out the windowpane mesmerized by the
millions of sparkling lights below I tried to make sense of the
dream that had just come
over me. In the
end which I've almost always tried to avoid, I realized that
prohibiting long gazes from entering my eyes, and building walls
of China around
the heart were
the true obstacles keeping me from living.
I decided to take
these moments for
whatever their worth, and in the end if it shall happen between
us, at least I'll know I gave it my best, I gave him my love,
I can afford.
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