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If only I knew
Had
the child of then known what the woman of today knows, she would
have spoken up. Glad I didn't.
May 16, 2005
iranian.com
My editor called and asked if I could stay with the retrospective
voice throughout the new novel.
Unsure of how retrospective she wanted the voice
to be, I asked, “Why?”
“It may be more interesting to the reader if
you write with your ‘now’ voice,
but in an ‘if I knew then what I know now’ sort
of way.”
I don't particularly enjoy that voice and find
it pathetic to acknowledge the mistakes that could have been
prevented. Then
again, I thought blaming everything on not knowing any better
may be a good way to get even with the past.
Once I got started
on the events of long ago, matters that were out of my control
and choices that I had been deprived of, I
could not stop. The editor's advice had opened a can of worms,
so to
speak. Unfortunately, most of what came to mind seemed unrelated
to the story in my novel and proved useless.
The first issue
that came to mind was a lifetime's struggle to be the top student
-- shagerd avval. The struggle still comes back to haunt
me in my nightmares
in the shape of a thick
book
hours before an important exam and with no time left to study.
My family seemed to miss the point that perhaps I
was not the best in my class. Many students could have achieved
better
marks
without as much effort as I put in. But before I knew it, I
had become the family's favorite racehorse and, no matter how
hard
I needed to work at it, there was a trophy that had to be earned
and I needed to be the first to reach the finish line.
If
only I had known that, down the line, none of those accomplishments
would matter. Those who pushed me are no longer around to put
their trophies on a pedestal. Yes, only if I had known that
none of it will be remembered, then maybe I wouldn't have to
know the
meaning of anxiety so early in life.
In the real world, no one
seems concerned with whether you were the top student or not, your
colleagues don't care and your
spouse for sure doesn't give a hoot on where you ranked in class.
Worst
of all, if you're not careful, you may turn into a competitive
nut who can never achieve enough.
The voice of wisdom stops my
chain of thought as I hear its echo from within me, “Oh,
but what about all that knowledge?”
“Don't even go there,” I snap at that annoying voice. “When
you compete for top of the class, you need all your grades to
be the best, regardless of how useless the subject matter or
how dumb the teacher may be.”
I studied, no, let me rephrase that. I memorized
-- parrot style, mind you -- statistics, religious studies, calligraphy,
and even calculus. When you think about the most critical
subjects such as Physics or Chemistry, it would be nice to remember
at
least one of those formulas, wouldn't it?
I studied world history,
geography, philosophy and I'm sure it's all somewhere in my brain's
Spam folder, but it would
be good
to remember the capitals of a few countries. I won't even
mention the names of the fossils. Today, the only one I
remember is
the Crossopterygian. I don't know what it was, but I used
codes to
help me memorize them. This one, for some reason, reminds
me of a boy who lived across the street.
Then I remembered my teens, the
diets, the exercises and all the food substance I rubbed
on my face to get rid of freckles.
Had
I known that I would gain back all those pounds with a
handsome interest, not only would I not say no to a "Cafe Glasse"
at the Naderi, but I might have enjoyed a cream puff to
go with
it. And, speaking of freckles, they now don't look half
as bad next
to a few wrinkles.
Had I known that the handsome James
Dean look-alike, who passed me on the way to school, would turn
out to be a
bald opium
addict, I doubt if I would have crossed the street so
he would notice
me. Had I known that the guy who fell in love with me
was also in love with half of my peers, I would think
twice
before shedding
a tear over losing him.
Regret is overloaded with negative
energy. Why can't I sit back and praise myself for all the right
things
I
may have
done?
But that's not in my culture because, to an Iranian,
self confidence is somewhere up there alongside arrogance.
Had
the child of then known what the woman of today knows, she would
have spoken up. I would have reminded
all those
grown-ups
that I had a right to be who I was and to exercise
my God given choices. I would have told them that
respect,
though
it may
have to be earned later in life, is a gift that
needs to be given to
a child. That the best education you can offer the
young is to teach them that their worth is not in
the grades
they earn,
but
rather in who they become.
There is one fact, however,
that I knew then and know now and perhaps will know forever.
We do our best
and
we try to
accomplish what seems right for the time. Contrary
to the common belief,
man does not learn from his mistakes because,
while experiences may sound alike, no two incidents are
the same. Thus,
looking back brings about a sad regret that is
unable to prepare
one for the future. Learning is a positive process.
We learn through
motivation
and mainly by imitating those who seem to do a
better job.
As for speaking up, I'm glad I didn't. Knowing
how my free speech would have been received
back then,
I may
not have
lived long
enough to feel any regret!
About
Zohreh Khazai Ghahremani is a retired dentist and a freelance
writer. She lives in San Diego, California. Her latest book is "Sharik-e
Gham" (see excerpt).
Visit her site ZoesWordGarden.com
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