Crocodile tears
Animal rights? Global warming? We have much higher priorities in life to worry about, such as corporate productivity

July 11, 2007
iranian.com

Don't you miss the old days when rare tigers of India used to be butchered and skinned artfully so that our beautiful actresses and world's 'femme fatale' wear those lovely coats and so elegantly flow over the red carpets under their feet in the elite circles? Ava Gardner, Elizabeth Taylor, Grace Kelly to name a few, were the ones contributed to the thriving industry of skinning wild and endangered species.

Or one can rejoice and cherish the memories of those days that in National Geographic's programs on TV you would see first hand how the little fucking Antarctica's baby fur seals (Arctocephalus gazelle) would be clubbed to death and red blood splatter all over the white snow. That used to be similar to today's version of The Sopranos that you would get that adrenalin rush of seeing the shattering of a creatures skull and splashing of blood over the cameraman's lens and pieces of brain garnish his pasta dish, oh yes those were the days.

Yep, as for the fur seals the Japanese fishermen used to lure them into submission: "come on little seal ... .come on closer beautiful little baby ... "

And then you would hear this muffled noise in the snow "plupp"and that was the sound of the iron club shattering the seal's head just wide open, and the dumb-ass creature wondering what happened to him, "sayonara you little bastard."And people used to sit back and enjoy their pot roast and mashed potato with cornbread dinner and just watch those programs and laugh their heads off. "Honey would you pass the horse radish."

It was a win-win situation. The fishermen made a living, the rich got their fashionable garments, coats, collars and cuffs and the audience got something to chew on and justifying why they had to bomb Japan a few years earlier to begin with. It all worked out somehow and it made us understand why we prayed before each meal. Oh Lord ... keep those devil communists out of our land and send Khrushchev to hell where he belongs to ... Amen.

Later on as we started thinking the world was a safer place because Mr. Khrushchev joined Alcoholics Anonymous in Moscow and Yasser Arafat started smiling, the Beatles created this stupid tradition of giving 'benefit concerts!' So we heard over and over and over the lyrics of:

"Bangladesh ... Bangladesh ... where so many people are dying fast ... and it sure looks like a mess ... Bangladesh ... Bangladesh ... "

And my dad used to yell "Zahre-maaaar, kamesh kon oon radioyeh maadar-ghahba-ro"or "turn that fucking radio down."And reluctantly we would lower the volume for a while. But then an hour later you would hear: Bangladesh,,,Bangladesh ... .

I tell you what, before I forget I want to go back to those fucking tigers' issue. On a short trip near Caspian Sea in 1979 I stopped at an art and craft store that mostly sold wooden bowls, straw hats and dried garlic on strings. But I also noticed an out of place object there; a stuffed body of a baby Persian tiger (Panthera tigris virgata) now completely extinct, thank god.

The taxidermy job on the baby tiger was done so badly with pieces of fur missing and looked like a homeless outside McDonald's that have not had a shower for six years and of all things the baby tiger had a smile on his face! The shopkeeper seemed proud of his prized collection and like a typical Iranian merchant gave you a silent hint of "you can't afford it so don't even bother to ask how much it is." Another tourist tried to shove a little stick up the tiger's ass (another Iranian tradition) to see if it will move. And we all laughed and felt amused ... "oh thank you Lord for giving us Imam Khomeini so that we can have the freedom of stuffing our wildlife so that everyone gets a chance to see them at arms-length and perhaps sticking an object up their ass at will ... Amen"... and life went on.

If you are wondering about the virtue of exterminating these beasts, then let me tell you, I can't keep up with the fucking squirrels in the backyard, so now can you imagine if every morning you had to fight with tigers climbing your walnut trees, hanging from your bird feeders and make shelter in your attics?

We have much higher priorities in life to worry about, such as corporate productivity, which is far more important than a little exotic cat that would want to shit in my backyard or yours at will and cut a piece of your first born for snack. We are a busy nation and a pre-occupied world and we can only worry about our productivity at work or else guess what, we will get a little stick up our ass for low performance and your job and mine will be sent to China and India "heeloo mee I heelp Yu peeleez." Now, who says Japanese and Canadian fishermen are so bad?

So, I want to zoom forward through the massacres of dolphins, government ban on any tuna that shares the net with dolphins, Green Peace's noise, Amnesty International's alliance with subversive governments intelligence agencies and President Carter's baloney claim of absence of human rights in Iran back in 1976, and all the other bullshits that we have been saying, hearing and doing in the name of being "politically correct" all the way to Bush's administration.

For all practical reasons the Bush administration should at least throw one concert for the Children of Iraq who have been dying for lack of food or medicine or for all the innocent children of Palestine brought up to blow themselves up with six packs of dynamite and for the so called martyrs of Iran-Iraq war who were under 17 and carried the keyless remote controls to the gates of heaven while walking on the minefields. You wonder how come no one initiates a concert for those losses. Well, don't ask me, I was just busy worrying about my corporate productivity.

So what happened? Well, Carter gets a Nobel Peace Prize in 2002 for implementation of human rights in Iran two decades earlier, Shirin Ebadi gets one in 2003 for defending the Palestinian cause and nonetheless not a single Swedish have asked Putin if he wants a Noble for his contributions in Chechen province and that is perhaps why Putin seems a bit stiff all the time.

Witnessing what happened, Al Gore got tired of waiting for recognition and embarked on to become the advocate of fight against 'Global Warming' and it just happened that I saw him recently at a KFC (where chickens are made with no transient fat and instead they use ethanol for cooking) wearing a T-shirt that said "my friends got the Noble Prize and all I got was a shared fucking Oscar award!"Despite of his age and possibly high cholesterol he opted to order the original recipe.

Come to think of it Al Gore has a point. How would you feel if they had stolen the election from under your feet, sent you to the spiral of depression and oblivion and then persuade you to come up with the idea of saving the world from "global warming"and give you an Oscar to share with someone else with the hope that you might just go home and retire and write your memoirs? No doubt it hurts.

But fame got the better of Al Gore and now of all things what does he want to do? Well, he wants to give a benefit concert for global warming!

"Ya moos-abneh Jafar hamin yekee ro kam dashteem"

What global warming? Every grocery store you go to is freezing cold, movie theatres, shopping malls, Chuck E Cheese's and you name it ... do you feel or see any sign of global warming? Plus, what did they invent electric fans for? If you are hot just go to Kmart and get yourself a fan and stop nagging, I am just too busy worrying about my corporate productivity or else my job will be exported to India where the phone operators put you on hold until they finish their afternoon prayer!

We are always a little too far and too late. Six hundred billion dollars of donations later Bangladesh is still a devastated nation, fucking baby seals are being clubbed to death in neighboring Canada to the tune of more than 300,000 a year, dolphins die and tunas still taste like dolphins, tigers' testicles and bear paws are still served in top Japanese and Singapore black market restaurants and no longer just as an aphrodisiac but for improving your corporate productivity and it certainly does help and we can see the results.

Then we saw Iran's human rights barometer went way below zero so Carter no longer talks about Iran and his focus is now on Israel and Al Gore son's gets arrested for some kind of driving issue mixed with drugs. That's what happens when you mix diesel with ethanol and drive, friends don't let friends drive on ethanol. If he listens to his dad he would never get into trouble.

The bottom line is if you want to prevent a disaster from happening do something before the disaster spreads its roots. Darfur's mass starvation is wiping the population but Al Gore is now too preoccupied with his concert on global warming. One should ask him "while you are at it why don't you include Darfur's issue into the concert too and just sell more tickets?"

Meanwhile baby seals clubbing continues and I can't wait to see a Disney version of it. However, the little innocent baby face rich-bitch Paris Hilton's goes to jail and gets freed by humanitarian judges who are perhaps working for Amnesty International and just a week later Hilton Hotels gets sold and she becomes triple times richer than before she went to jail, only in America. "Oh Lord, thanks for the opportunity of having us migrate to this land of milk and honey, where one can buy jail time if he or she has the right team of attorneys... Amen"

And as for global warming, trust me as soon as Iran stops producing nuclear energy and goes back to exporting rugs, pistachios and hair removers and agrees to sign off on what the British, Russians and the oil companies put in front of them there will be no more global warming and in fact the entire world will feel like the resorts of Abe Ali and Dizin or Vail, Colorado. We will realize it was just another western bullshit similar to human rights issue created by Carter to bring Khomeini to Iran.

However, all these arguably 'bad' things happen because we don't know how to give promotion concerts ahead of time. We wait and wait and when shit hits the fan what do we do? We invite bunch of British homosexual musicians to scream from the bottom of their esophagus in the name of humanity and shed crocodile tears and we give generously with our credit cards and wallets and we think we have solved the problem. Next time just go to your temple and light up a candle as it is much cheaper. Or think ahead of time, start inviting your favorite British band and rent your stadium now, because I am going to continue capturing these squirrels and I am going to get medieval on their ass, till they are extinct.

Now I have to spend the rest of the day with this stupid tune ringing in my ears ... Bangladesh ... Bangladesh ... Comment