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Dear boss
Men just can't win

September 1, 2004

Being a man, I know just how hard it is for those of my gender to understand women. The most complex riddle that God ever created for the male mind to try to unravel is the human female. We are in a constant state of confusion because no matter how we try or what we do, we always seem to dig ourselves into a deeper and deeper hole. It is undoubtedly true that it makes us crazy to live with them, but we absolutely can't live without them. 

I have had the pleasure in my life to travel to many lands and it is the same everywhere. Men just can't understand what makes women tick  Men like to project the strong masculine, "I'm the king of my castle" image worldwide,  when in truth from the age of puberty to the day we die we are completely mystified as to how the minds of the women in our lives work. Just about the time we think that we finally figured out what makes a woman tick, they throw us a curve ball just to let us know that they know how dimwitted we really are when it comes to them. 

This is what life is like for men in every part of the world. Men who marry women from their own cultural background have it bad enough, but think of the poor souls who are in intercultural marriages. Not only do they have the inability to understand the female mind, but they also must contend with the never-ending and usually tortuous endeavor of trying to understand the female mind that operates on a different cultural playing field from the one he knows. But, what he figures out very quickly is that he is expected to know everything without being told!

Women say that two of the most important qualities that they look for in a man are honesty and the ability to communicate their feelings openly. What this means in female-speak, however, is that women want  submissive men who agree with everything they say.   Most men I have encountered in life whether American, Iranian or any other nationality are pretty much an open book. Men don't usually try to conceal who are what they are. They say what they mean, although some do not mean what they say.

Women, on the other hand, befuddle us endlessly with being unable to speak in a way that we can understand. We poor men spend so much of our time trying to figure out what the lady (ladies for some) in our life really means when she speaks that half of our time on earth is frittered away just trying to say out of the doghouse. Here are just a few examples of what women say, but really mean:

"Yes" = No

"No" = Yes

"Maybe" = Not a chance in hell

"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry

"I need" = I want

"It's your decision" = I've already told you what to do idiot

"Do what you want" = You'll be on the couch for a month

"We need to talk" = I want to bitch

"Sure go ahead" = If you do I'll cut your balls off

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you brainless moron

"You're so manly" = You need to shave and you're your arms stink

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = Don't look at my fat thighs

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = Buy me a new house

"I want new curtains" = ... and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper

"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were sleeping

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive

"How much do you love me?" = I did something that's going to really piss you off

"I'll be ready in a minute" = I'm almost ready to wash my hair

"You have to learn to communicate with me" = Shut up and just agree with me

"Are you listening to me" = Too late mister, you're ass is mine!

"Oh nothing's wrong" = Damn straight something's wrong and it's for me to know and you to find out!

"I'm only interested in a serious relationship" = What's your job and how much do you make

"Let's be friends" = your breath stinks and you're the most boring geek I've ever met

"I don't want an intimate relationship until after marriage" = Why are you just standing there, don't you know what to do?

"Don't get me anything" = If you don't get me something, it back to couch for you

"Sure, go with you friends" = Yeah, when you come back, your shit will be waiting for you on the front porch. Oh... .and don't ring the doorbell

"Do you like my dress" = You already in trouble for making me ask

"Do you think my friend is pretty" = You better say no and that I'm the hottest woman in the world or you won't get any for months

"What do you love about me" =  Do you even know that I have a brain

"So who else was at the party" = Who were the little sluts were you hitting on

Most men are pretty easy going. We understand the world in terms of black and white. We often find ourselves in deep doo-doo and it takes us ages to figure out why. Sometimes we are asked questions that we simply should never attempt to answer. Here are just a few that you should try to avoid at all costs?

"Do I look fat?"
Never attempt to answer this one. Anything you say will be interpreted as a "yes". "No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don't know" means yes. "It doesn't matter" means yes. The briefest hesitation in speaking means not only yes, but "hell yes". Since everything will be interpreted as yes, the best thing you can do is say as authoritatively as you can, "no" with no hesitation and trying to make it sound as much as you can like a scientific fact known to the world rather than your opinion. This doesn't really work, but it's better than all the other choices.

"Which shoes look better?"
This question is more perplexing than the Riddle of the Sphinx. It is no ordinary question. It is a question that comes straight from the Hell. Satan, himself, thought of this devious chicken or the egg puzzler. If you pick the shoes she's already got on, she'll think you are trying to hurry her. If you pick the other shoes, she'll think it's because you think it's a trick question and that your not supposed  pick the ones she has on. Some men try to out think their women and opt for a third choice. This is a very serious mistake, however, as she'll regard it as an attack on her judgment or she'll take it as an opportunity to attack yours. Never, ever suggest a different dress. All she will hear is, "you are disgustingly fat."

This raises the interesting question of why women even ask us at all what we think. They know that we don't know which shoes look better and they know that we don't really give a shit. So why do they asked us? This is part of the never ending domestication process of the human male. All women know that men exist only to be dominated by the female of our species.

As part of this process, they will occasionally consult the you during your lifetime about fabrics, make-ups, color schemes, hair styles, fashion and new bathroom towels sets. In each of these areas you can probably get away with saying, "who cares?" Don't try this with the shoes, though. The best way to handle the shoes is to suggest that she try the second pair on, then tell her it is so hard to choose. Let her think about it and when she say the first pair looks better, don't you agree? Just say, "yes dear". This is the best that you can hope for.

"Why don't you say something?"
Whether you answer this one or not is up to you, but preferably you'll have the good sense to bite your tongue, especially if you enjoy your intimate time with her. If you say nothing, you may be on the couch for a night or two at the most, but if you open your big mouth you could be very lonely for quite some time. There is one question, however, that you should never in a million years answer. If you hear it run and run fast in the opposite direction pretending that you didn't hear her. Remember, NEVER say a word if you hear: "Should I get all of my hair cut off?"

If you say anything, then when she does get all her cut off (and let's face it she's already made up her mind before she asks you) and she hates it (and she will hate it), it will be your fault entirely. Even if you say nothing at all, she will blame you for not stopping her. The very best you can hope for is that when she comes home and asks "Does it make me look fat?" You'll know what I've already told you to do when that hideous question raises its ugly head.

The truth is that we will never figure out women, Iranian women, American women, any women. We are simply fighting a battle we cannot win. God may have given us two heads, but women outwit us at every turn. If you are willing to accept this simple truth of life you are better able to protect yourself from the endless number of snares and traps that the fairer sex will set for you in life. If you are misguided enough to think that you are ever going to get the upper hand, then your life will be miserable, indeed.

Women do not think like men do. The way the see the world is very different from how we see it. They comprehend things that we don't. I know what some of you men out there are thinking (especially those of you from Abadan). You're thinking that I'm either lying or just a *%^&@ whipped American who lets his wife tell him what to do. Right? Well, I can prove that women understand more than we do. Please let me list a few of the things that I've noticed that we don't understand at all, but women surely do.
Women understand:

10.  A cat's facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just another weed.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white and eggshell.
4. Cutting one's bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the number ONE thing only women understand:

So all of you, my fellow men, must decide for yourself whether to accept reality as it is or to continue butting your head against the wall in the hopeless effort of trying to live the fantasy of being the king of your castle. But, here's the little secret... the kicker... what makes it worth it all... if you let her think that she's the boss, then you will wake up with a very big smile every morning! There isn't a woman alive that doesn't just love to give sweet treats to good boys, if you catch my drift.  

It's your choice. You can be happy and obedient or you can be miserable, but either way God created you do be an object of domination. Only you can decide whether to go through life with a permanent smile or not! Now get in there and to those dishes while your little woman reads the paper.

.................... Say goodbye to spam!

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Book of the day

Three volume box set of the Persian Book of Kings
Translated by Dick Davis

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