The Iranian


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Sehaty Foreign Exchange


December 21 2000

Origins of Persian fur

Making fun of hairy Iranians is a shameful activity ["Persian worrior"] ["Hairy Iranians not funny"]. Don't you understand? Don't you know how much money we spend on Nair, razors and cream, laser operations and other hair removal methods? Don't you know our history of hair?

The Persian Empire has fallen on its knees exactly for that reason. Too much hair! Iranians (or true Persians as some may call them - and please humor me and do not ask what a true Persian is) during the pre-Islamic Persian Empire must have had no hair. Or at least no body hair.

That is why Alexander the Macedonian (aka Eskandareh Maghdoony aka Essi) attacked us and burnt down Persepolis. He had heard there are really cute "booloori" people there.

Now imagine if the Hakhamaneshi soldiers had a lot of hair: would Alexander dare attack? His warriors would probably have ran all the way back to Athens if several of today's hairy Persians would have run over their camps completely naked, armed with risho-pashm and their very own fur coat. That would have been the wrath of the gods!

Remember Zeus & Venus were very unhairy and the other Gods seem completely "kooseh"! Alas that was not the case and we got attacked. But we survived and overcame Essi's conquest and continued as the Persian Empire - still not hairy I might add.

That may have been one of the reasons the Arab armies decided to attack us couple of centuries later. Arabs were hairy. We were not. They decided to share the blessings. As a result, today, we not only do not have a Persian Empire but we have also become hairy.

I really don't know who my true Persian jaddo-aabaad were (like some 1,400 years ago) and how hairy they were. But I am fairly certain that somewhere along the line some sheikh inserted his genes into my lineage and thus gave me the beautiful 100% Persian fur coat.

I knew that probably Essi and some of his soldiers may have contributed to the Persian gene pool, but I am certain that the sheikh's contributions have more visible signs today. As if that was not enough, a while later, Changiz Khan came along and contributed Moghol genes to the PGP (Persian Gene Pool) and really complicated matters.

I do see a relationship between the Moghol Cashmere Wool sold in the world's finest stores and our Persian Fur. Didn't you know the latest rage in women's fashion is called Pashmina? I think they owe us royalties!

So bottom line, I am planning on taking my issue up with the International Tribunal at the Hague and sue the Macedonians, Arabs, Moghols, Afghans, Russians, Turks and Chechniyans for creating "unsafe" living conditions that have caused the fall of the Persian Empire, our hairy covers and abuse by the fashion industry!

Asghar Pashmak


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