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Friday
August 3, 2001

Not an idle promise

Dear Kobra Khanom, ["Doodool Talaa Syndrome"]

You are so kind for taking the time to answer me. I took a shot in the dark by emailing my troubles to the only Iranian source I could find on the Internet in hopes if getting a reply, and you took the time to answer me. Thank you!

You have truly enlightened me. Because I do not know the Iranian culture outside of it's WONDERFUL food, your advice and interpretations have made a huge difference in my understanding the dynamics of my relationship.

My boyfriend very much wants to marry me. It is not an idle promise or a carrot to keep me hoping. I definitely was not looking for marriage. In fact, I was not even interested in dating when we met due to poor choices in men in my recent and not so recent past. However, I had heard such wonderful things about this man for months prior to his asking me out, that when he did, I realized this might be the first truly good man whose ever asked me out. I hesitantly stepped out and accepted the date and quickly discovered for myself that everything I had heard about him was true.

He is the most honorable, respectable, and truly decent man I know. My one and only issue is all about his mother. I do realize it is not just her, as he allows her to treat him the way she does. He is the problem too. I recently learned that this is the Iranian way. The children serve the parents for life. So now it's not really that his thinking is wrong and mine is right, or vise versa, it is just cultural differences. Just is really a poor choice of words because this is "just" about as destructive as a title wave.

Anyway, regarding marriage. He is very eager to marry me. I have been going through a VERY lengthy divorce which will come to an end in the next few weeks. Fortunately, I went through the emotional part of the break up before ever dating. I don't believe in starting a relationship, even just a date, until you're completely over the emotional trauma of a breakup. The divorce has been in the works for 1 1/2 years and we have been dating for nearly 9 months.

Yes, I am scared to make another mistake. This is not my first divorce. I have been FAR too trusting and naive and have been hurt badly in many ways. This is why I am trying to deal with the problem now and not wait to see if it improves with marriage. Few problems improve with marriage! As I mentioned before, he is a very honorable man and I know that he is waiting for the divorce to be final before officially proposing. He always talks about our future together and how he can't wait for it to start. I don't doubt him on that.

He has told me that when we are married that many things will change. His mother will no longer have a key to his house. Her pictures will come off the mantel. He will stop running to her every beck and call. Etc., etc.

Now that you have explained the dynamics of the girlfriend vs. wife roll within the family, it sounds like he may be sincere about this. My attitude was that things don't change with marriage, that they have to be proved before. My example to him was: If you new a couple who was involved in a serious relationship and the man was always flirting with other women but says he'll stop when they marry, what would your advice be to the woman? He got the point, but insisted that this is different. I didn't think it was, but maybe it is.

You said my position in the family would change. You know what? I don't like how that sounds...."My position in the family." You see, as an American woman, a very traditional, old fashioned values type of woman, I don't want a position in "her" family. We would have our own family. My boyfriend, my daughter and myself. That's something to think about too. And as for my daughter...I absolutely love her with all my heart. She's nearly grown now... she'll be 17 soon. But we are very close. I left her abusive dad when she was 3 1/2 and we have struggled together for the last 13 years.

She has been through far too much in her young lifetime, but she has grown into a wonderful, Godly young woman. I am very proud of her. She loves my boyfriend and often expresses that she wants me to marry him, but only hesitates because of his mother. His mother has been obnoxious to my daughter. My daughter fears another disaster because of the hold this woman has on his life. Or should I say noose she has around his neck? It is completely unusual that my daughter would accept a man in my life, let alone want me to marry him. This is a huge hurdle crossed in itself.

I really love him and I know that he really loves me. He is VERY good to my daughter which is SO important. We do not plan to have kids together. He is 37 and I am 43. (But he looks older than me....I just had to throw that in there! It's true.)

Also...don't worry about me making idle threats! I have finally evolved to standing up for myself and saying what I mean, and meaning what I say! I talk the talk AND walk the walk! Imagine that!

Thank you for your words of wisdom and your humor Kobra Khanom, the Dear Abbey of Iran. Hey that rhymes. I better go to sleep now, I'm getting too goofy even for me. I hope to hear from you again.

Your friend,

The Other Woman

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