Letters

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Friday
June 1, 2001

Now I understand my Iranian husband

Thank you so much for your profound and much-needed article ["Break the cycle"]. I am an American woman married for 10 1/2 years to a "liberated" Iranian man. One minute I think I have an equal partner and then five minutes later I'm the Mommy who has to prop him up and make him look good for his career. Meanwhile, I'm criticized for not making enough money while staying home during the day to raise our son and working in the evening. It seems like he can't make up his mind what he really wants me to do.

One minute he is thanking me for doing such a great job with our son and how advanced this 2 year old is compared to others who are always in day-care and the next he is criticizing me for not making enough money. I know that he loves the fact that I take care of everything at home so he can focus exclusively on his career. Then he drags out everything he has done for me and how I would be nothing without him. He loves to use his insecurity to control me.

Most of the time we are quite happy. His family adores me. They should, I have helped support them for the last five years. If it weren't for my insistence, my husband wouldn't have given them a dime. But there are moments when I want to scream "Go back to Iran and get a servant. I'm tired of being disrespected." It is a beautiful feeling to know that if things get too bad I don't HAVE to take the verbal abuse. I would survive. My heart would be broken but I would survive.

Do you know when the verbal abuse started? It was right after our first trip to Iran. Something fundamentally changed in his psyche. I don't know what. Don't get me wrong, he is a beautiful person: kind, generous, etc. A great father, nice to everybody. I know he loves me. I just think he is so confused. One minute he wants me to be strong because he knows in this way I have helped him immensely and he does admire me. The other minute he needs to prove his dominance.

You know it's almost as if he's really threatened by the fact that I could go out and fully support myself and our son in a minute and that I'm not with him just because of economics. I think it also hurts his pride that without me, he would not have attained as much success. Wouldn't that make him feel better, to know that I am with him through my own free will, not because I need a meal ticket and will save my marriage just so I can eat or survive?

Meanwhile, the sisters back home who never had an option to come out of the country are so focused, so disciplined, so capable. The younger brother who managed to come out has been a stone around everyone's neck. The sisters could have ruled the world, if given the opportunity to leave. Between them they have four degrees. While my husband was getting his mother to do his homework for him so he could go out and play soccer, his sisters were at home studying. HOW IN THE HELL DID THAT EVER HELP HIM?? God willing I will never do that to our son. he's going to have to learn to be disciplined.

The world will not accept otherwise. Anyway, so sorry to go on and on about our problems. Your article has helped me understand a mostly dormant yet sometimes very difficult part of his personality. God willing, this understanding will help me to deal with his rougher edges. You have extended a dialogue which needs to continue. It's time to get things out in the open - many people get hurt from this cultural dichotomy, including us horrible Americans. Thanks for analzying the situation so well. You have truly helped me to understand.

Best wishes,

(Name withheld)

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