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The Iranian briefcase
Nuclear launch codes inside a Prada or Gucci?

September 14, 2004

I am sick of IAEA, sick of that jester Mohamed al-Baradei, and all the rest of them. Let's go nuclear. Let's have the “brothers” haul the bomb onto a Toyota Land Cruiser, drive it out to somewhere desolate in the Dasht-e Lut, and bang! Welcome to the new and brawny Iran: a nuclear mini-me that will take its seat next to Pakistan, India and Israel, right down the table from all the Big Boys.

Along with U.N sanctions, possible air strikes and ultimately “getting liberated” by the wrath of the American 22nd Marine Expeditionary Force, there are other outstanding side benefits of becoming the new member of the atomic club. Most noteworthy among them will be that the President of Iran (whomever that may be in the coming years) will be shadowed at all times by a unshaven, dodgy looking officer with a briefcase handcuffed to his hand containing the nuclear launch codes.

As simple as the briefcase selection process may seem, this issue, ladies and gentlemen, is a matter of unprecedented complications. Fashion pundits in Tehran and Los Angeles are already quarrelling over the matter. Shall we have the codes shadow the President in a Gianfranco Ferre, Hermes or a Gucci? I am told that the reformist are pushing for a Prada briefcase, arguing that it is the leading modern Italian luxury brand and quite fitting for the image of a progressive and self-confident Iran.

The conservatives are in turn accusing Prada of being the ultimate Zionist entity and are pushing for a Dunhill suede leather cover briefcase on sale in Dubai’s Wafi City Mall for $1599.99. We are told they can get a hefty discount since some one’s brother-in-law has a friend who has a cousin working in the store there. True to form, there will be some finder’s fee involved to be deposited in a Cayman Island offshore bank account.

Both sides seem to agree that they consider Coach and Kenneth Cole vulgar in design, and will not allow the symbols of American imperialism any toehold in the republic.

As you would expect for a nation with a generously claimed 2,500 years of history, it has also been agreed that the Iranian nuclear briefcase should only be of quality exotic leather, such as stingray, crocodile, alligator, ostrich or rare snakeskin.

Plans to import any of the above has already caused alarm in numerous European capitals and media outlets that consider Iran to be in violation of the Convention on International Trade in The Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora (CITES). Inspectors are on their way to verify compliance. That is all.

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By Sharif N Mafi



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