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All in God's name
It's important that I put my religion in a book


May 5, 2007

I've been reflecting on my life lately and I must say I'm a little disappointed. As a youth I thought I could have it all... I could rule the universe, but now that I'm older my dreams seem to be slipping away.

So I figured I better get off my ass and come up with something drastic if I'm going to be... well, ruler of the universe.

So here's my idea, let me know what you think. I'm going to start my own religion. I'm going to tell anybody who will listen that an Angel has been coming to me in my sleep and giving me orders directly from God. I'll make up some Godly sounding proclamations and throw in some thees and thous for good measure. Sure, most folks will think I'm a kook but eventually I'll find some fruitcakes who buy my crap hook line and sinker. I'll get my original fruitcake posse to write down everything I say and we'll go out and spread the word.

The cool part about my new religion will be that everyone who converts will be considered superior in the eyes of God and those that don't will be... well, inferior... no wait... subhuman, worthy of death. Yea that's better. That way I'll attract all the people who have spent their entire lives being inferior and con them into believing that they are finally better than every body else. Why work hard at bettering yourself when you can achieve greatness just by doing everything I tell you to?

The best part is that I can get the stuff I want and blame it on God. Say I want a 42" plasma TV or want to have sex with my neighbors underage daughter or even pillage a small town, all I have to do is say, "God wants me to have a 42' plasma TV. Thou mustus make it so!" Then I'll get my fruitcake posse to break into Sears and get my bling... In the name of God. Of course I'll let the posse grab up some booty for themselves. Free stuff for the serfs makes for a loyal following.

The key to making it work is to add a bunch of moral rules that make my flock think they are doing God's work but make the rules cool for the followers. Like say make it OK for the dudes to beat down their wives. This would be helpful. Chances are when a guy becomes a convert his wife will say "What are you nuts!!" He can just tape her mouth shut, throw a pillow case over her head and cut out some eye holes... problem solved.

We know guys dig violence, look at the movies they go see like the Terminator or 300. The more gore the better. So I'll make my punishments entertainingly gruesome. Lots of amputations and beheadings ... ... naw, that's been done. OK, say you break a law like... questioning my authority. We put you in a car with tons of TNT and gasoline in the back seat then we send you into a brick wall at 100 mph. Yea, now that's the wrath of God for the 21st century!

Of course we'll have to come up with a group of people to hate, like say... the French, yea they'll do. I'll tell my congregation that God doesn't like the French. That's not hard to believe. That way when my loyal peons start wondering if God really said it was OK for me to have sex with their wives I'll just say, "The French are coming! The French are coming!" and they'll forget all about me banging their old ladies... in the name of God.

It's important that I put my religion in a book. I think I'll call it the "Duran, Duran". That way in 600 year or so other people can use my book to take over the world too.

All I have to do is keep my followers thinking they are better than everybody else and keep killing my enemies and at some point I'll rule the world. (My childhood dream). Now mind you this is just a rough idea. I know (pardon the pun) the devil's in the details, but I think it might work. If anybody has some suggestions or wants to get in on the ground floor let me know.

P.S. If you do contact me, refer to me as 'Your Wholly Profit'.

For letters section
To Jerry Quill

Jerry Quill


Book of the day

Stories From Iran
A Chicago Anthology 1921-1991
edited by Heshmat Moayyad

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