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Satire

Life in terms of BellGheis Khanoom
Ten stages of life

March 10, 2005
iranian.com

Have your heard the joke about the three stages of marriage? In the year you have sex in every imaginable place. Then for the next five years, sex doesn't go beyond the bed. Finally after 10 years of marriage, all you have is “hallway sex”: When you pass your spouce in the hallways, you say “Fuck you!”

Here are the 10 periods of life I found posted anonymously online. I translated it from Persian:

1st Period: Childhood
* Don’t cry
* Don’t be naughty (SheyToonee Nakon)
* Don’t pick your nose
* Don’t put it in your mouth
* Don’t poop in your pants
* Don’t bother mom
* Don’t draw anything on the walls
* Don’t stick your finger in the power outlet
* Don’t stick your bottle in the VCR
* Don’t wear dad’s sandals
* Don’t stare at the sun
* Don’t wet your bed
* Don’t peek in mommy’s purse
* Don’t play with that obnoxious kid (BachChe Goh)
* Don’t suck your fingers
* Don’t eat with your hands
* Don’t bother your sister
* Don’t stick your toys in your mouth
* Don’t peek under BellGheis Khanoom’s skirt
* Don’t touch the iron
* Don’t spit out your food
* Don’t vacuum your sister’s hair
* Don’t play with yourself
* Don’t eat the dirst
* Don’t make faces
* Don’t say bad words
* Don’t drink the bathtub water
* Don’t take food out of your mouth

2nd Period: Grade School
* Don’t be late to school
* Don’t stick your feet in book holders
* Don’t tear up pages
* Don’t write in your books
* Don’t eat your pen
* Don’t stick the pencil in your mouth
* Don’t make faces at the girls
* Don’t pull their hair
* Don’t look at them
* Don’t pour water on the blackboard duster
* Don’t litter at school
* Don’t make any noise in the afternoons
* Don’t play with BellGheis Khanoom’s daughter
* Don’t take anything out of others’ backpacks
* Don’t write on the blackboard
* Don’t throw chalk at your classmates
* Don’t talk in the corridors
* Don’t pee on the bathroom walls
* Don’t run
* Don’t whisper in the classroom
* Don’t look outside
* Don’t make faces when the teacher is not looking
* Don’t play video games
* Don’t!

3rd Period: Middle School
* Don’t throw firecrackers
* Don’t look at dad’s magazines
* Don’t be late from school
* Don’t play soccer on your way from school
* Don’t fight with other kids
* Don’t walk with your hands in your pockets
* Don’t make faces at mom
* Don’t finger your friends (Angosht Too Kooneshoon Nakon)
* Don’t talk in the classroom
* Don’t pass notes in the classroom
* Don’t watch porn
* Don’t chat online
* Don’t leave your stuff on dad’s desk
* Don’t whine
* Don’t mess up your room
* Don’t play with BellGheis Khanoom’s daughter
* Don’t leave your books all over the place
* Don’t bicker with your sister
* Don’t argue
* Don’t curse
* Don’t hang out with those Gangster [Laut] kids
* Don’t scratch your private parts

4th Period: High School
* Don’t chat online
* Don’t read email
* Don’t go to porn sites
* Don’t stay TOO long in the bathroom
* Don’t cheat
* Don’t be late from school
* Don’t ride that motorcycle
* Don’t be grumpy
* Don’t argue with dad
* Don’t flirt with BellGheis Khanoom’s daughter
* Don’t tease your teachers
* Don’t chase the girls
* Don’t bother people
* Don’t listen to loud music
* Don’t waste your time
* Don’t smoke
* Don’t eat like a Laut
* Don’t be sloppy
* Don’t grow your hair
* Don’t wear too much aftershave
* Don’t use dad’s electric shaver
* Don’t stare at other girls
* Don’t scratch yourself in public
* Don’t adjust yourself in the streets

5th Period: College
* Don’t drive fast
* Don’t miss school
* Don’t drop classes
* Don’t pick a major you like
* Don’t go to the school you like
* Don’t do anything you want with girls
* Don’t fight with your dad
* Don’t make fun of the neighbors
* Don’t sleep with BellGheis Khanoom’s daughter
* Don’t waste your time
* Don’t get involved with politics
* Don’t pass the red light
* Don’t turn off your cell phone
* Don’t flirt with your friends’ moms
* Don’t wear short sleeves
* Don’t aggravate people
* Don’t catch any diseases
* Don’t be aggressive
* Don’t patronize your professors

6th Period: Draft/Military Service
* Don’t grow your hair long
* Don’t be resistant
* Don’t be aggressive
* Don’t cause trouble
* Don’t gossip
* Don’t think ahead
* Don’t think
* Don’t be stubborn
* Don’t be rude to your commanding officers
* Don’t object
* Don’t complain
* Don’t smile
* Don’t play with yourself too much
* Don’t steal food from the kitchen
* Don’t flirt with the locals
* Don’t create conflicts
* Don’t argue with the religious secretary (Raees AgheeDatee)
* Don’t play with your rifle
* Don’t worry about your future
* Don’t correspond with BellGheis Khanoom’s daughter
* Don’t bitch about wasting your time

7th Period: Husbandhood
* Don’t joke with your wife
* Don’t compare your wife with BellGheis Khanoom’s daughter
* Don’t mess with your wife in front of her parents
* Don’t mess with your wife in front of your parents
* Don’t messwith your wife
* Don’t say mean things to your wife
* Don’t cheat on your wife
* Don’t hang out with your bachelor friends
* Don’t bother your wife
* Don’t introduce yourself as a bachelor
* Don’t look at other women
* Don’t flirt with other women, particularly with BellGheis Khanoom’s daughter
* Don’t hide your cell phone bills
* Don’t keep your pre-marriage photos
* Don’t talk about pre-marriage ventures
* Don’t waste your money on your friends
* Don’t make your bachelorhood mistakes
* Don’t think about anything but your wife
* Don’t take any risks
* Don’t even blink without your wife’s permission

8th Period: Parenthood
* Don’t bother your kids
* Don’t punish your kids
* Don’t say mean things to your kids
* Don’t disregard your kids
* Don’t compare your kids with other kids
* Don’t prevent your kids to play
* Don’t curse your kids
* Don’t constrain your kids
* Don’t encourage your kid to beat up BellGheis Khanoom’s daughter’s kids
* Don’t neglect your kids
* Don’t force your kids
* Don’t argue with your kids
* Don’t confine your kids
* Don’t bicker with your kids
* Don’t keep your kids from playing with other kids
* Don’t insult their mother in front of your kids
* Don’t question if they are yours
* Don’t make out in front of the kids

9th Period: OldHood
* Don’t bother your kids
* Don’t spoil your grandkids
* Don’t talk much with older women
* Don’t think about the past
* Don’t regret your youth
* Don’t resent your age
* Don’t waste your money
* Don’t think about anything but “the final destiny”
* Don’t be harsh with your wife
* Don’t wear bright colors
* Don’t worry about BellGheis Khanoom’s daughter widowing
* Don’t give advice
* Don’t think about the future
* Don’t complain about the past
* Don’t walk around and sighing
* Don’t forget your will

10th Period: After life
It is now the end of the “Don’t” and the beginning of the “Do” era. You can now do anything you want. Just don’t mess with the soul of BellGheis Khanoom’s daughter!

* *

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