A play on the occasion of the British Royal visit to Iran
February 9, 2004
INT. PRESIDENT'S KHATAMI'S RESIDENCE. TEHRAN
So my dear Prince Charles.
CHARLES: My dear president.
PRESIDENT: What brings you to Iran, twenty-five years after our
glorious Islamic revolution?
CHARLES: Well, you threw out your king, one was wondering if the
post is vacant, Iran could do with a strong monarch, and you might
consider one for the role.
PRESIDENT: What about throne of England?
CHARLES: Mother is sitting on it.
PRESIDENT: She's a woman, knock her off.
CHARLES: Look, it's like someone in an air-plane loo taking
a book in, not much one can do. (BEAT) So what do you think?
PRESIDENT: "Charles Shah of Persia" -- hmm.
The king must be a Muslim.
CHARLES: That can be arranged -- I just need a throne.
CHARLES: Charlie, call me Charlie.
PRESIDENT: Okay Princey Charlie, we do have a Peacock throne which
is empty. Perhaps you can use that while you are here?
CHARLES: I need something more permanent.
CHARLES: I'm sorry?
PRESIDENT: Please take one. It's our national nut.
CHARLES: Yes of course. [CLICKS OPEN PISTACHIO] So, about my ascension
to the throne -- what do you say?
PRESIDENT: I say anything's possible.
CHARLES: So you might consider it?
PRESIDENT: I must consult the Ayatollah. When can you start?
CHARLES: Let's see, shopping centre in Preston next week,
bus-stop in Ealing the next, I'm free after that.
PRESIDENT: Good. Now, out of curiosity I have one question.
CHARLES: This is no CIA plot. I assure you.
PRESIDENT: No, no. Tell
me (WHISPERS) those men who came with you, one of them is James
INT. AYATOLLAH 'GRAND VIZIER' KHAMANEI'S QUARTERS.
PRESIDENT: Your Excellency Ayatollahness upon high.
AYATOLLAH: What is it my President?
PRESIDENT: Prince Charles, heir to Elizabeth's throne, wants
to be Shah.
PRESIDENT: Oh go on -- I beseech your Excellency, think about
the headlines: 'Brits lose Charles to mullahs'.
AYATOLLAH: Hmm, you have a point. When can he start?
AYATOLLAH: Is he circumcised?
PRESIDENT: I didn't look.
AYATOLLAH: (BEAT) I like the other one.
AYATOLLAH: The nutty chap who doesn't like foreigners.
PRESIDENT: Princey Philip? Far too uncouth for Shah, sire.
AYATOLLAH: It's titular role, he's a perfect.
PRESIDENT: How so sire?
AYATOLLAH: He's a tit.
INT. NIGHT. PRESIDENT'S KHATAMI'S RESIDENCE. TEHRAN
CHARLES: President, did you speak to the Ayatollah?
PRESIDENT: Yes, it's not good news I'm afraid. He wants
your dad --
CHARLES: I thought homosexuality was outlawed.
PRESIDENT: -- To be king.
CHARLES: Why not me?
PRESIDENT: His Excellency thinks he has more character?
CHARLES: I despair.
PRESIDENT: Can you approach him for us?
CHARLES: Don't be ridiculous man, it's me that wants
to be king. I'll be king of Afghanistan if I have to.
PRESIDENT: Okay Princey, we do a deal where you be king -- of
CHARLES: England? How?
PRESIDENT: You convince Her Majesty -- your mother -- to
take to the Peacock throne and that would make you king of England.
INT. QUEEN'S BEDROOM, BUCKINGHAM PALACE
CHARLES: (On phone)
Mother it's Charles.
QUEEN: Charles! How's Iran?
CHARLES: Mother, I wanted to know if you'd consider being
Queen of Persia.
QUEEN: Come on Charlie, what will you try next?
CHARLES: No mother, I'm there now, the Ayatollahs are happy
for you to be Queen here.
QUEEN: No way Charles, imagine a crown on a headscarf.
CHARLES: Come on mother (TEMPTINGLY) Peacock throne.
QUEEN: Charles, if I want a pea-cock daddy's next-door.
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