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Satire

Preemptive strike
Let me be the first to do my part in launching a preemptive strike to save the innocent!

By Behrouz Joon
January 12, 2004
iranian.com

I was just listening to a nationally syndicated ultra-conservative radio talk show host in the San Francisco Bay Area (one whose humanitarianism tugs at the cords of my heart).
He was suggesting that rather than sending aid to the survivors of the earthquake in Bam/Iran where estimates of casualties are running as high as 40,000 people, we should send them blankets infected with Small Pox.

He "fortified" his position by stating that as distasteful as his suggestion is, it "would be a preemtptive strike that would save the lives of innocent people here in America by striking at the heart of the "terrorists".

I'm all for saving the lives of my fellow man so it got me to thinking...

The National Academy of Sciences' Institute of Medicine reports that every year some 98,000 innocent Americans die in hospitals accross the U.S. because of preventable errors by medical providers.

As a concerned citizen (one "armed" with a superbly evolved bumper sticker/30 second soundbite/it was in a commercial once so it must be true mentality), I have decided to do my part to remedy this threat!

As part of a preemptive strike, immediately after finishing this article, following a well deserved bathroom break (hey what can I say, I'm lactose intolerant!) I'm getting in my car, driving over to my Cousin the Cardiologist's house and slapping the shit out of him! (Didn't like the bastard to begin with, he lives in a $7 million house by Stanford University Hospital.)

I am but one humble man, but let the battle begin with me! Let me be the first to do my part in launching a preemptive strike to save the innocent!

Next I'm going to have a steak for dinner. As  informed readers are no doubt aware, cow flatulence (fart for those who might need a dictionary on that one), is a significant cause of ozone depletion. By doing my part to rid the world of the harmful beasts I am "lunching" a preemptive strike to help the environment! No sense in being afraid of Mad Cow Disease, I'm quite insane already!

If you're so touched by this article and my self-sacrificing life path that you too need a bathroom break, don't worry... iranian.com will still be here when you get back!

Author

After being born in "Eye Ran", and growing up "bi-cultural" on three different continents (a kinky way to say I'm mentally confused and emotionally screwed up) Behrouz Joon (my stealthy nom de plume) lives and practices law (which means I'm still practicing and haven't gotten it right yet!) in the San Francisco Bay Area. His hobbies include subjecting the world to his tasteless and juvenile humor! Vist his weblog.

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